A Guide to Narcissistic Projection and How to Deal With It

• Projection is a defense mechanism narcissists use to deflect blame. It involves accusing others of flaws and behaviors the narcissist themselves is guilty of.
• Examples include unfairly accusing you of being unfaithful, claiming you hate them when you don’t, or even accusing you of being a narcissist yourself.
• If you’re dealing with narcissistic projection, setting boundaries, refraining from engaging in arguments, and focusing on self-care can help.

What is narcissistic projection?

Projection is a defense mechanism narcissists use to shift blame from themselves. It involves attributing one’s own negative characteristics to another person. In other words, a narcissist denies their own flaws and bad behaviors, instead accusing others of displaying them. The narcissist does this to avoid confronting difficult truths about themselves and protect their (typically fragile) sense of self. Projection itself is a common human behavior, and it doesn’t always indicate narcissistic personality disorder. Research has shown, however, that people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may display an excessive use of projection compared to others. NPD is a mental health condition that requires a formal diagnosis by a professional. People with NPD typically have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance and lack the ability to empathize with others. It’s normal to show some narcissistic tendencies occasionally, and this would not necessarily indicate NPD. A formal diagnosis of NPD would require that the behavior is severe, frequent, and long-lasting.

Examples of Narcissistic Projection

They accuse you of being unfaithful. Narcissistic projection involves accusing another person of behaviors the narcissist themselves is guilty of. In a romantic relationship, a narcissist might unfairly accuse you of cheating, flirting with others, or having unfaithful thoughts, when they are actually the one engaging in this behavior. Their projection is an attempt to deflect blame and avoid confronting their own actions. For example, if you confront a narcissist for cheating, they may respond by accusing you of flirting with a friend or coworker. They could then go on to claim that this behavior bothered them so much that they were driven to cheat on you. This maneuver is an attempt to justify their own behavior while placing all the blame for their own indiscretion onto you. They criticize your physical appearance. Though it may seem like narcissists have a high opinion of themselves, they’re actually very insecure. Narcissists often engage in projection because they are unable or unwilling to confront these insecurities. If a narcissist feels unattractive or insecure about their own body, they’ll often deal with this emotion by calling you unattractive and criticizing your body. They claim that you hate them. Narcissists try to present an extremely confident mask to the world, but underneath it all they struggle with their sense of self-worth and may even think very poorly of themselves. Because they lack the self-awareness to deal with their own negative view of themselves, they’ll instead accuse you of viewing them this way. For example, an insecure narcissist might claim that you secretly hate them, or that you’re harboring critical thoughts about them, even though you've given them no reason to think this. They make everything your fault. Projection is the narcissist's tool to shift blame away from themselves. So, if you confront a narcissist about their behavior, instead of taking responsibility, they’ll immediately accuse you of being too sensitive or too critical. They’ll claim you’re picking a fight, and that it's your fault you're arguing with each other. If you find yourself apologizing at the end of the conversation, even though you were initially trying to confront them about their behavior, you're likely dealing with narcissistic projection. They call you a narcissist. Since narcissists are so prone to projecting their own flaws and behaviors onto others, they might even project the label of “narcissism” onto you. In other words, a narcissist will accuse you of exhibiting narcissistic behavior, all the while displaying that exact behavior themselves. For example, they may accuse you of being self-obsessed or attention seeking even when you're exhibiting completely normal, non-narcissistic behavior.

How to Deal With Narcissistic Projection

Remember it’s not a reflection on you. A narcissist's criticisms of you are actually reflections of how they feel about themselves. Their hurtful words aren’t grounded in reality, and they don’t actually align with your character. If a narcissist attempts to project their negative self-worth onto you, remind yourself that they’re not painting an accurate picture. You’re the one who defines yourself, not them! Take steps to cultivate self-awareness. When you’re more self-aware, you’ll be able to recognize that the narcissist’s criticisms are untrue and dismiss them. Try starting a journal to reflect on your emotions. This can help you build a stronger sense of self, so that you’ll be less vulnerable to the narcissist’s false accusations. Prioritize self-care. It can be tough to navigate a relationship with a narcissist, and it’s completely normal to feel hurt. When you’re in this situation, it’s especially important to practice self-care and be kind to yourself. Make time to do the hobbies and activities you love, and hang out with the people in your life who make you feel loved and supported. Try reciting positive affirmations to show yourself a little extra self-love. This will help you build up your self-esteem so that the narcissist’s projections don’t affect you as much. Try not to engage. When a narcissist attacks you with unfair projections, you might be tempted to respond and defend yourself. Unfortunately, arguing with a narcissist often does more harm than good. No matter how logical or reasonable your points are, their lack of empathy can make it impossible for them to see your point of view, so they'll likely get angry and lash out. Instead of getting into a back-and-forth, simply tell them that you want to move on from the topic. This will save you the time and frustration of a fruitless argument and protect you from their unnecessarily hurtful words. Set and maintain boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important for all relationships, but they’re even more vital when you’re dealing with a narcissist. Schedule a time to communicate your boundaries to this person, and let them know that you’re not willing to engage with them when they are projecting. Explain, for example, that you won’t stay in a conversation if they start making false accusations or unfair criticisms. Tell them you’ll hang up the phone, step out of the room, or head home as soon as they start engaging in this behavior. Though it may be tough, try to stick to this boundary once you’ve set it. Don't give in to their attempts to break it down. Talk it out with someone. If you have a loved one who struggles with NPD, consider seeing a mental health professional. It can be tough to deal with a narcissistic family member, partner, or friend, and a licensed therapist can help you process any difficult feelings. It’s completely normal to feel hurt or stressed out in this situation, and you don’t have to go it alone! Ask a trusted friend or family member for a referral if they work with a therapist, or check out online directories to choose the right therapist for you.