- The simplest way to find out if someone is married is to ask them directly.
- If you don’t trust what they say or are too afraid to ask, look for marriage records online or at the courthouse in the county where the marriage would have likely taken place.
- Look for signs they’re secretly married, like photos of potential spouses, another name on their mail, or a tan line where their wedding ring should be.
Searching Public Records
Look for a marriage certificate. You can access vital records, including marriage records, online or in person at the courthouse of the city where the marriage was likely to occur, and you can usually see a copy for free or for a small fee. Make sure to look for divorce records too: just because they got married before doesn’t mean they still are. You'll need the person's real name to search the public records. If their name is in common usage, such as Mary Smith, you'll also need a middle name. Not all marriage applications or licenses are public. Some jurisdictions have provisions for keeping this information private. Every state and city differ on what information is available to the public and how it can be obtained, so know the rules of your state and city first. Be wary of websites that promise to divulge marital status. While many are legitimate, others may just be trying to get your credit card info.
Doing Your Own Investigating
Ask the person. If you're not sure, be bold and confront them. This can be the simplest and most effective way to learn what you need to know quickly, whether you’re trying to hit up a cutie you met at a party or confronting someone you’ve been involved with for a while who you suspect isn’t telling you the whole truth. If you’re asking someone you’ve just met, come right out and ask: "Are you married?" If you’re confronting someone you’ve been with for a while, refrain from asking in an accusatory tone; simply ask out of curiosity. To be less direct, try, "Is there anything you're not telling me?" Watch the person’s reaction to tell if they’re lying. Are they averting their eyes, shifting uncomfortably, sweating, or becoming overly defensive?
Google their name. If you suspect they're lying to you (or if you just can’t muster up the courage to ask them directly), you might be able to get an honest answer out of Google or another search engine. Search their name, and a work website, a personal website, or social media accounts may come up that will suggest whether they’re hiding a secret spouse or not. You might have to try a few different searches to yield usable results. Even if you don’t know much about them, keywords related to their work, location, or the school they went to might narrow down your search.
Look through their social media for signs of a relationship. Social media is a great way to discover information about someone's personal life. Look at the person's Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram account. Sites like Facebook list relationship status, and most social media sites allow the posting of pictures. Look for pictures of the person with someone romantically. How recent are the photos? Sometimes people leave up exes on their profile, but if it's recent, they might be involved. Is the person's profile notably bare? Do they have a profile picture? Do they even have social media accounts? Bare or lack of social media might indicate they’re concealing their personal life. If you can’t find them on social media, search their friends (if you know who they are). You might find your partner on their friends or followers list under a fake name. If you follow one another on social media, they'll likely refuse to acknowledge your relationship as anything more than platonic: they'll untag themselves from photos you tag them in and won't make any mention of you on their profile.
Ask mutual friends. If you share any friends or acquaintances with the person, ask them if they know anything about their personal life. It’s unlikely that mutual acquaintances won’t know something about this person, unless the person is extremely careful! If you don’t have mutual friends, consider it a red flag if your partner refuses to mingle with your friends or introduce you to theirs: sharing mutual friends is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If the friends are people you trust, let them know you’re involved (or thinking about it) with this person and suspect they’re hiding something. If your mutual acquaintances aren’t people you know well, like coworkers, casually bring it up without alluding to the fact that you’re involved: try “I’m surprised Jolene isn’t married! She seems like such a catch” or “Rami is so secretive, I hardly know anything about him! Do you?”
Keep your eyes peeled for signs of a spouse or secret family. When you spend time together at their car, office, or house, note your surroundings: are there any signs another person may be living there? Stay on the alert for signs they’re hiding a spouse—but resist the urge to snoop through their texts, mail, or other private things, as this could get you into legal trouble and isn’t ethical. It might be tempting to snoop, but if you’re at the point where you mistrust your partner enough to poke around without their consent, the relationship is probably beyond saving. Do they have suspicious photos of a potential spouse hanging in their home? Alternatively, are there any oddly blank spots on their walls that indicate a photo of a spouse may have been taken down before you visited? Look for nails or rectangles on the wall where a framed photo may have protected the wallpaper from sun damage. Note if the person's driveway has more than one car. Again, this could be the car of another family member or householder, so don't rely solely on this, but it could be a clue. Observe signs of children at the house—toys, training potties, kids’ snacks. If your partner has claimed not to have children, they likely wouldn’t have signs of them unless they were lying.
Hire a detective. If you're really desperate, consider hiring a private investigator to do the dirty work for you. Remember that this will probably cost a lot of money, so if you're only looking for a simple "yes, this person is married" or "no, they're not," it's probably not the best idea. On the other hand, if you want to know details about your person’s secret life, you might consider the detective work money well spent. Ask for advice from the private investigator before committing to this route. If you know your person is married but separated or finalizing a divorce, you might hire a private investigator to make sure they aren’t still actually involved with their spouse. Hiring a P.I. indicates a breakdown of trust that’s probably not repairable. Know that if you’re at the point of hiring someone to tail your partner, it’s likely time to end the relationship whether they’re secretly married or not.
Signs to Look for While You’re Dating
They have a wedding ring tan line. Check the left ring finger for tan lines or indentations. If such a sign is there, the person may have recently removed their wedding ring. Some married people use this trick to appear single so they can pick up dates when they’re away from their spouse. Keep in mind that a tan line doesn’t always indicate a person is hiding a marriage. It could also mean that the person is recently divorced or separated.
They seem to have limited independence or free time. Single people have the luxury of going out on a whim, grabbing drinks after work, or meeting for dinner on the weekends. People who are married and who have families do not have the same kind of independence. They may occasionally meet with friends, but most of the time they will go home to their families, or bring their spouses along. Ask the person what they did over the weekend. If they went out with friends, to a bar or concert, or on a day trip to the city, they may be single. If they sat around the house, had dinner with known married friends, or went to the zoo, on the other hand, they may be leaving out the fact that they did these things with their spouse or children.
The person pays for all of your dates in cash. If your new love interest seems to always pay for everything you do in cash, it may be because they don’t want the spouse to see the charges on the credit card bills or debit card statements. In today's world, most people pay for things, especially meals, with credit cards. If every date is paid for in cash, this could be a red flag. Some people do carry cash around to pay for cheaper transactions, such as movie tickets and fast food meals. Other people who are financially well off may carry around hundreds of dollars in cash. Most people, however, generally use a mixture of debit cards, credit cards, and cash.
They can’t stay out late. Having only limited time to spend with you is a sign someone may have a spouse or a whole family waiting for them at home, especially if they always have to be home early. People who are serious about the person they are dating will be willing to extend the date past 10 p.m. Occasionally, they may need to be home at an early hour, like on weekday nights. But if they always seem to have a curfew, especially on weekends, it might be a sign they’re not available. It's okay if this happens once in a while, but if they always say they have to get back home because of a big meeting the next morning or an early flight, then he may just be making excuses.
You've never been to their home. If you've been dating for a few months and haven't seen the person's home, that may be a cause for concern. Listen for constant, flimsy excuses: their place is too messy, or your place is so nice. If you always go back to your place and have no idea where the other person lives, this might be cause for worry. Find a reason to go back to their home. If he consistently refuses to let you see where he lives, he may be married.
They’re secretive about their phone. People who are cheating act very suspicious when it comes to texts and phone calls. Observe how they act when taking calls or texting: do they shield their phone from you? Do they avoid taking calls with you around? Suspicious phone activity could indicate they’re hiding something from you, such as a spouse or at least another romantic partner. Note that some people don't want to answer the phone while on a date. But the longer you’re together, the more comfortable they should feel with talking on the phone around you. Do they only call you when they’re at the grocery store, in the car, at work, or at the park? Have you ever gotten a call from them when they’re at home? If they only call when they’re away from home, this could mean they’re hiding the call from their spouse. If you call them randomly and they answer, do they speak normally, or do they speak much more quietly than normal or sound like they’re on a business call? Inconsistent phone behavior could point to cheating.
You've never met anyone important in the person's life. If you've been dating for a few months and have never met any of the person's friends or family, then it may be a red flag. Do they talk about their friends and family? Do you know who they spend their time away from you with? Sometimes, people can be hesitant to introduce new love interests to their friends and family. However, if the relationship is getting serious, you've introduced them to your friends, and you still haven't met anyone, they’re either not serious or married.
They rarely agree to spontaneous plans—and they cancel often. If your person is already married, they’ll be cautious about making plans with you. They only have limited time to dedicate to you, and they can’t hang out anywhere their spouse would see them. Caution around making plans can point to them having an alternate life they can't get away from. While they'll be resistant to spontaneous plans you make, if they're cheating, they'll likely also call off plans with you last-minute. You might rarely go out on the weekends, and they’ll likely turn down every spontaneous date you suggest. When you go out, they might insist on going somewhere in the next town over to avoid running into anyone they know. You’ll probably never have a romantic weekend getaway, or when you do, it's also a business trip.
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