Choosing the Right Moment for an Argument
Pick your battles. You shouldn’t argue with your parents every time you disagree with them, if only because this strategy will make it harder for you to win when the argument is about something really important to you. Weigh the benefits versus the costs. If the topic of the argument is significant to you, it might be worth the effort and the possible consequences of engaging in an argument with your parents. However, if there are minimal worthwhile results, it might be best to let this one go. For example, if your mom hates it when you play your music loudly, the only real benefit of arguing about this is that you might get to play your music at a louder volume, and maybe only for a short period of time. It will also be perpetuating behavior that your mom doesn’t like and will lead to more arguments in the future. But if your parents have a problem with your significant other and they don’t like you spending time with him/her, this might be an instance in which planning an argument is worth it because there are more possible benefits on the line for you.
Keep the argument private. Causing a scene in public will only embarrass your parents and make them less likely to hear what you have to say. Make sure that your argument takes place at home or in a private space so that they are comfortable having the conversation with you. If you start an argument with your parents in public, they will view it as a very immature thing to do and it will not be a good way to begin the argument. Some people get embarrassed when they think others know their business or are listening to them talk. This is not a good way to get your parents to hear you out. Give your parents the courtesy of conducting your argument in private.
Choose a moment when your parents are in a good mood. They will probably not listen to you if they are upset. People are more likely to hear what you say to them and really consider your opinions when they are in a good mood. If you start an argument with your parents when they are already upset, they will probably brush you off or respond even more negatively. Give yourself the best possible chance by starting your argument when your parents will be receptive to what you have to say. You might even try putting them in a good mood by doing things you know will make them happy – like cleaning your room, doing your homework, or spending time with them. Of course, don’t immediately bring up the argument after trying to get your parents in a good mood. That will be too obvious and they will think you only did the nice things for selfish reasons to get something that you want.
Put yourself in your parents’ shoes. Before you begin an argument, make sure that you have fully considered the entire situation. Try to think about it from your parents’ point of view so that you can predict what they will say in the argument. That way, you can prepare your side of the argument, but you can also think objectively about your position. This can also help you see if you are being unreasonable. Try thinking about how you would feel if someone was treating you the way you are treating your parents. There are always two sides to every story and a good arguer knows that they need to consider both sides.
Implementing Your Argument Strategy
Think about the things you want to say. For example, if you are having an argument with your parents about extending your curfew, you might want to discuss the following things: Include all of the reasons why you’ve proven you’re responsible enough to handle it (not missing curfew in the past months, completing your homework on time, doing your chores, etc.) Give counter reasons to eliminate their existing concerns – like if you know they are worried you will get in trouble because you are out later, you might mention that they already know most of your friends and their parents, so they don’t have anything to worry about. Bring up why extending your curfew would actually be a good thing – like it will make you happy so you’ll be more enjoyable to be around, it will help you develop your friendships more fully, and it will help you learn to handle more adult responsibility.
Write down your points. If you’re going to engage in an argument with your parents, you need to be fully prepared. Spend some time thinking about what you want to say and write them down. You can bring the notes with you to the discussion with your parents, or you can just study them before you start so that you won’t forget any of your major points. Having a planned, organized argument already in your mind will help you navigate the conversation with your parents and might also impress your parents by showing them that you take this matter seriously.
Remain calm during the argument. Whatever you do, don’t get hysterical during an argument with your parents. This is immature and will not make them see your side of the argument any more clearly. Show your parents that you are capable of a mature discussion by remaining calm even if things don’t go your way.
Wait for your parents to finish saying what they want to say. You know how if someone hits you and you hit them back, it counts as self-defense for the second guy? Well, the same idea applies to getting in arguments with parents. Never talk first. Just calmly stand by while they rant at you. In some cases it may feel like whatever you may do will cause your parents to become even angrier. That can be particularly difficult to deal with since you literally have no way of reacting without triggering a bad response. If that is the case, then possibly the best thing you can do is just stand silently, look at them, and do nothing until they calm down a bit.
Acknowledge your parents’ views. Start the argument by saying, “You are right.” This shows your parents that you understand their point of view and that you aren’t trying to dissuade them from their feelings or beliefs. This will help your parents see that you respect their opinions, but that you simply want them to consider some additional aspects of the situation. For extending your curfew example, try saying something like this: “I know that you think it will be easy for me to make poor decisions if I am allowed to stay out later at night.”
Ask your parents questions. Allow your parents to voice their opinion, but then ask them questions about their stance. If you do this, it will show them that you are really listening to what they are saying and that you are invested in resolving the issue. However, it might also show you some flaws in their logic which you may be able to use to your advantage. Try something like, "What would you like to know?" or, "Could you be a little more specific?" By narrowing down the topic, you've limited the number of things your parents can go after.
Explain your point of view. After they've told you what they expect to have answered, simply provide them with your explanation. Be sure to speak slowly and in a controlled manner, as this helps to decrease tension. For the example about extending your curfew, try calmly saying something like this: “I would like to extend my curfew because it is important to me to have more time with my friends. Most of my friends are allowed to stay out later and you know them and their families so you should feel at least a little comfortable with this. I would like to have some more adult responsibility in my life.”
Stick with your story. After you've told them your version of the story – whether it’s true or not – be sure not to alter it or change your answers to any questions they might ask you about it. Being consistent is the key to believability. So make sure you stick to your story throughout the entire argument. If your parents think you only want to extend your curfew because all of your friends are all out drinking at night, tell them your version of the story and don’t falter.
Don't keep denying. If they think you're lying, so be it. There’s not much you can do to change this fact. But you don’t have to keep going in the same circle where they accuse you and you deny it over and over. Once you have told them your story, tell them that your story won’t change no matter what questions they ask you or how many times they ask you. Just say something like, "That's what I'm telling you. Take it or leave it." This narrows down their options and allows you to take control of the situation.
Tell your parents where you stand. If they insist that you're lying, be sure to point out that whether or not they believe you are a choice only they can make, and that you can't decide for them – after all, you wouldn't be in this situation if that was the case, would you? It might also be useful to reinforce the "take it or leave it" part mentioned earlier. Tell your parents something like this: “I can’t help it if you don’t believe me. But I am here trying to have a conversation with you about it, which I think shows a lot of maturities. Whether you choose to believe me or not is up to you."
Preventing Future Arguments
Avoid behaviors that displease your parents. If you keep having arguments with your parents about the same things, try to avoid doing the things that cause these arguments. We can’t always get everything we want all the time, so sometimes it’s necessary to make sacrifices to please the people we love (or the people we live with). Remember to pick your battles. If the problem is not that big of a deal to you, then just change what you’re doing to make your parents happy. It will be better for you in the long run. Eventually you will be out from under your parents’ roof and able to make whatever choices you want to make. But until that time, it will probably be beneficial to you to at least try to avoid doing things that make them upset.
Show your parents how responsible you are. Let your parents see all the responsible things that you do daily. The more confident they are in your behavior, the less likely they will be to nag you about other things. Let your parents know when you have finished your homework or when you have completed your chores. Bring home good grades to show them. Send them a text when your plans change so they won’t worry about you. The point here is visibility. It does you little good if you are behaving well but your parents never see the things you do. But make sure you don’t seem like you are bragging about yourself all the time. That might be off-putting. Just simply let them know when you have done something they would be proud of.
Don’t give your parents the silent treatment. Giving someone the cold shoulder will not help resolve conflict. It is a childish tactic used to manipulate people and your parents will not appreciate it. It is always better to discuss your problems calmly. The silent treatment will just make your parents feel disconnected from you and they may start to resent you. It is better to discuss things with them instead. Giving your parents the cold shoulder will also make them think that you are acting like an immature child. This will not help you win arguments in the future.
Be willing to compromise. One of the most important things you can do to avoid arguments is to show your parents that you are willing to compromise. If you refuse to compromise, it will show your parents that you are more immature and that you really only care about getting your way. When your parents suggest a compromise, accept it – even if you have to give up a little of what you want. You can also try suggesting compromises to your parents. For example, if your mom wants you to finish all of your chores before you go out with your friends, offer to do half of them before and promise to finish the other half the following day. This way, you both get some of what you want.
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