How to Cope with a Child's Suicide

Grieving the Loss of a Child

Expect to grieve. Even though everyone grieves differently, there are some emotions that are common when you experience a loss such as a child’s suicide. You will likely go through the normal stages of grief, but more intensely. Understanding what you may feel can help you cope with it as you feel it. You may feel denial, shock, anger, guilt, regret, resentment, shame, or confusion. Some days you may feel one emotion more than the others. Some days you will experience a combination of emotions. You will likely wonder what you could have done to prevent this child’s suicide. You may ask why this happened. Keep a journal describing your feelings related to this child’s suicide. You can write words, draw pictures, or scribble to express how you feel. Write a letter to the child or to yourself explaining how you feel about the suicide.

Use mindfulness techniques. When your emotions overwhelm you, using mindfulness strategies can help you cope with the grief of the suicide by reducing your stress and anxiety. The focus on actively experiencing your feelings makes mindfulness a helpful coping technique. Take a few deep breaths to calm and center yourself. Close your eyes if you need to. Acknowledge how you feel without trying to stop it. Label each emotion and sensation without judgment, as if you were watching a video. Try saying to yourself, “I am feeling guilty. That is my grief. The guilty feelings will go away…” Let the feelings diminish on their own. Don’t rush yourself to get over them.

Seek out and accept help. There will be times when you want (and need) to be alone. But, you also need to let your friends, family, and community assist you as you cope with this suicide. They can help you emotionally, as well as with practical matters. Tell them what you need and how they can be there for you as you grieve the loss of this child. Don’t hesitate to say, “Could you pick this up for me?” or “Would you just sit with me right now?” Talk to them about how you are feeling. Tell them when you are having a hard time coping, as well as when things aren’t so bad. Join a support group or online forum so that you can talk to and be around others with similar experiences. They will be able to share what is helping them cope. Involve your spiritual or religious leader. They can help you with everything from your feelings to finding other resources. You may also consider starting a digital memorial for the child, such as a Facebook page. Creating a digital memorial can provide a space for you to put your thoughts into writing and also to connect with other people who are feeling this loss as well.

Get professional help. Death is often traumatic on its own. But the suicide of a child can be overwhelmingly traumatic. Talking to a therapist or grief counselor will help you with your grieving. They can help you cope by teaching you stress management techniques, listening to you, and supporting you in other ways. If you witnessed the suicide or found the child’s body, your trauma is even more complicated and you should definitely see a professional to help you cope. Don’t be afraid to consider medication if you are having severe problems coping with the suicide. Ask your physician or another trusted source for a referral.

Coping as a Child or Young Person

Deal with your grief. If it is your family member, friend, classmate, or teammate that has died by suicide, you may have a lot of mixed feelings about what happened. This is normal and is a part of the grieving process. You can cope with the suicide by knowing that you will have these feelings and allowing yourself to have them. You may feel sad, depressed, scared, anxious, angry, or even guilty. You may also have mood swings. You may also have physical symptoms of grief like crying, headaches, an upset stomach, or nightmares. These are also normal reactions to what has happened. Notice how you feel and remind yourself it is part of grief and you will get past it. For instance, say to yourself, “I feel scared right now and my stomach is in knots, but it’s just grief. It will go away.” Express your feelings in a creative way like writing a song, painting a picture, or writing in your journal.

Don’t blame yourself. It is normal for you to wonder if you could have done anything to prevent the suicide or to feel guilty for not knowing something was wrong. But to cope with the suicide you have to understand that you it is not your fault. Chances are, there is nothing you did to cause what happened. When you feel this way, tell yourself, “This is not my fault. Nothing that I did or said caused this. I wish it didn’t happen, but it did and I can’t blame myself.” Write about your feelings of guilt in your journal. If you need to, make a list of the reasons you think it is your fault. Then beside each reason, write a reason why it’s not true. For example, you might write, “I was mean to her” then beside it write, “But I said sorry and was nice all the other times.”

Use your support system. You don’t have to cope with the suicide on your own and the best way to cope is to turn to the people around you for support. You can also turn to professionals and support groups to help you cope with the suicide. Talk to a trusted adult like a parent, teacher, or counselor. Explain what is going on and how you are feeling about it. They can offer suggestions and strategies to help you cope with the suicide. You might say, “One of my friends died from suicide. Can I talk to you about it?” Spend time with your friends and family. Even if it is just sitting quietly with someone or taking a walk, being around people will make it easier for you to cope with the suicide. Consider joining a support group for other children and teens that are coping with a suicide. If you are having a really hard time coping, then talk to a professional like a grief counselor or a therapist. Your parents, doctor, or school guidance counselor can help you find someone.

Take care of yourself. Sometimes, when you are grieving, it can be hard to do the things you need to do to make sure you are healthy. You may find it hard to sleep, or you may not feel like doing anything. But you’ve got to take care of yourself in order to cope with the suicide. Get enough sleep. Try to stick to a bedtime and waking routine so that you get 6-8 hours of sleep. Not getting enough sleep can make you tired, cranky, and make it harder to cope with the suicide. Have healthy snacks, regular meals, and drink plenty of water to make sure your body is getting all the nutrition it needs. Do some exercise or something active like playing a sport, going for a hike, taking a jog.

Remember the person. At first it may seem weird or even sad to talk about the person, but doing this will help you heal and cope with their suicide. Do something special like light a candle, release balloons, or write a card on special days like the person’s birthday or on holidays. Share memories of the person with other friends and family that knew the person. Write a poem or draw a picture in memory of the person to share with other people. Start a fundraiser to raise money for a suicide prevention organization in their name.

Starting to Heal

Give yourself time. Don’t rush into the healing process. Understand that you will have setbacks – times when it seems you are not coping well at all, even though you were doing okay before. Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace, then allow yourself to take as long as you need to heal. Take a small vacation if you need to. Use the time to focus on healing yourself. Gradually resume your normal routine. For example, work ½ day for a day or two. Then slowly return to your normal work schedule.

Take care of your health. You will not just need to heal your emotions, but your body may need healing as well. Changes in eating and sleeping habits, tension, and the emotional strain of coping with the suicide of a child can physically drain you. Eat healthy meals and snacks at regular times. Make sure you are drinking plenty of water, eating fresh fruits and vegetables, and getting other recommended nutrients. Stick to a regular bedtime and waking routine. Make sure you get enough sleep. Try to go to bed and wake-up at generally the same time each day. Do yoga, tai chi, jog, swim, play a sport, or do some other physical activity. Practice meditation as a way to calm yourself and help you heal.

Educate yourself about suicide. One way to begin to heal and cope with a child’s suicide is to learn more about suicide itself. While it may not give you all the answers you are looking for, it can help you to make some sense of what happened. Educate yourself about suicide statistics, warning signs, risk factors, and prevention. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the Centers for Disease Control, and similar agencies and organizations provide excellent resources.

Anticipate triggers. The anniversary of the child’s suicide, holidays, and other special occasions can be especially difficult times. Emotions that you may have thought you had worked through may surface again. You will heal better if you plan in advance for these times. Things can begin getting difficult for days before the trigger and continue being hard after the trigger. If possible, let friends and family know that this will be a difficult time so that they can be there for you. Remember the child’s life in some meaningful way.

Build a community team. Unfortunately, a child’s suicide can sometimes divide a community. The school blames the parents for conditions at home. Or the parents blame the school for bullying that occurred there. Or they both blame the coach for the intense athletic regimen. Instead of placing blame, cope with the suicide and start to heal by working with the community. Join organizations and agencies that provide suicide prevention education, training, and resources. Organize schools, community centers, athletic teams, etc. to form suicide prevention task forces. Arrange a Bereaved Parents Month event in July to honor parents of children who have died.

Handling Practical Matters

Be honest about what happened. People are going to ask you questions about the suicide. Being dishonest about what happened usually has negative consequences. People will find out the truth. In addition, not being honest with people will keep you in a state of denial and stop you from really coping with the suicide. The term ‘committed suicide’ has been replaced with either ‘died by suicide’, ‘died from suicide’, or ‘died of suicide’ to alleviate some of the stigma associated with this form of death. If someone asks you what happened, you can say, “She died by suicide.” Don’t feel obligated to give a full detailed explanation of what happened, how, when, or why. You might say, “She hung herself. It is still very painful and I’d rather not get into details right now. I will contact you about the memorial arrangements.”

Seek help from a professional to explain what happened to other children. It is important to explain the suicide to other children. Youth suicide rates increase when one of the peers has recently committed suicide. Talking about it with the other children will also help you cope better with it. However, you should seek the help of a mental health professional to help you do this. Be as honest as you feel comfortable and appropriate, but don’t go into detail. You might say, “He shot himself. But we aren’t going into the details of that. I want to talk about how you are feeling about his death.” Explain that it is not their fault. Try saying, “This was not your fault. There was nothing that you did to cause what happened. There was nothing you could do to stop it from happening.” Tell them help is available. Try, “You might feel lots of different things about what happened. You can talk to me. You can also talk to someone that knows how to help when something like this happens.”

Address memorial arrangements. You may be responsible for making arrangements or in assisting with this process. In order to cope better with the suicide and avoid making the memorial too painful, think about how these arrangements will be handled. Ask beforehand if the funeral home and/or clergy are comfortable with a suicide death. Finding out up-front may prevent unnecessary confusion and pain later. Avoid large, public memorials that focus on death. These are often difficult for close friends and family, and may, in fact, glorify the suicide in the eyes of some youth. Instead, organize an event educating the community on risk factors for suicide to honor the child or ask that donations be given to a suicide prevention organization.