How to Cope with Feeling Replaced

Shifting your Perspective

Don’t fight your emotions. A common mistake people make when feeling shafted in some way is to stifle their feelings and refuse to acknowledge that they are hurt. However, this will only delay the healing process and lengthen and deepen the hurt that you feel. Take a few moments or longer to get out a good cry. Don’t wallow, however. It can be a good practice to set time limits on the time that you cry or feel bad about the situation. Try giving yourself 30 minutes to an hour daily to think about the situation.

Journal your thoughts. It can be particularly helpful for you to take some time to write out your thoughts on paper. Write how this replacement makes you feel, the ways that you feel hurt, and even perhaps the things that you did wrong in the situation. Consider also writing out a pros and cons list of this replacement. A “pro” could be you now have more free time to explore other more positive and mutual friendships and relationships. You might want to write a poem or song if you prefer that method.

Have a conversation with the person who hurt you, if possible. In some instances, these feelings of replacement can be remedied by having a simple conversation. You may have misconstrued their actions or they may not understand how you feel fully. Sit them down and have a conversation about your feelings. You could start the conversation by saying “Hey, I see you’ve been hanging out with your new friend a lot and while it’s okay if you have other friends, I wanted you to know that I’m starting to kind of feel replaced.” They will appreciate your honesty. Or, if you are being replaced at work with someone new, you might ask your boss “what can I do in the future to improve myself professionally to avoid this?”

Remain calm and in control. Don’t allow this replacement to take away your peace, no matter how badly you are hurt. Work to actively stay calm and remain peaceful despite these disruptions to your life. Practice some deep breathing techniques. Breathe in deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth until you feel calm. Try meditation or prayer. You can practice this by repeating some affirming mantras to yourself in a quiet room when you are alone. Or you can repeat them in your head if you can’t be alone in that moment.

Do some self-reflection. Consider what you did, if anything, to cause this replacement. Perhaps you have treated your friend or significant other very badly recently or you have not been doing a good job at work. This replacement may have something to do with your behavior or attitude. For instance, perhaps lately you have been very distant from your friend and they felt the need to find someone else to confide in. Apologize if you are at fault. This could rectify the situation. A simple apology goes a long way. Don’t blame yourself completely, however, but do acknowledge your part. Also work to acknowledge the other party’s role in this.

Valuing Yourself

List your strengths. Your feelings of insecurity around being replaced may be rooted in having low self-esteem. In order to begin feeling better about the situation, it’s important to begin building your confidence. One way to do this is to identify your strengths. Perhaps you have been so caught up in thinking about your replacement that you have forgotten about how wonderful you are. Take some time to reflect on the positives of you. Think deeply when compiling this list. Think about all of the nice things you have done, particularly for the person who replaced you. For instance, a strength of yours might be that you have a great sense of humor or are a good listener.

List your achievements. In addition to all of the wonderful things that you are, consider all of the wonderful things that you have done. You can use the list of your strengths in thinking of your achievements. Consider your specific achievements within the context of your lost friendship, relationship, or job. There are likely many things that you did right or well. You might list that you recently got a promotion or completed a big project. You may also focus on compliments that a friend or coworker has recently paid you. This not only encourages you to see your own value, but it also helps you see the impact your actions have on others.

Practice self-care. Get a haircut. Take yourself shopping. Cook a nice meal for yourself. Don’t forget to do things that are just for you. It’s completely okay to be selfish for a while while you are coping with this new place in your life.

Practice positive self-talk. Oftentimes, you might deal with insecurities that trouble you daily. These insecurities can make it feel difficult for you to overcome this replacement. However, it is also important to consider which of your insecurities are rooted in real internal flaws and which are more a figment of your imagination. Oftentimes, your negative thoughts about yourself can be illogical, so combat these thoughts through speaking positively about yourself. For instance, perhaps you think you have been replaced because you are unattractive. However, if you dated this person, it is very likely that they found you attractive. Think of ways to dispel negative beliefs about yourself. In the morning, repeat positive mantras about yourself while looking in the mirror. You might say “I am powerful. I am unique. I am smart,” or any phrases of your choosing.

Find positive role models. Take some time to identify people in your life who you look up to or who have qualities that you admire. If it is possible, seek to spend more time with these people. There is a proverb that states that you are the compilation of the five people who you spend the most time around. If you spend time around people who you want to be more like, then you will eventually become more like them. Try to spend less time around people who are negative or who make you feel badly about yourself. This is a confidence killer.

Embrace your individuality. Self-value is also largely about recognizing the things that make you ‘you’. You are the only you on the planet and you are important and the world would be a different place entirely without you. Therefore, in reality, you can never be replaced. Take some time to think about all of the things you add to the world. Think about the other people you know and love who would never replace you. Consider, for instance, the impact that you have on your family and how much they love you. If you didn’t exist, their world would be radically different. Remind yourself of the compliments and praise that you have received in the past from friends and loved ones. This can help boost your feeling of self-worth when you are struggling or need a little extra encouragement.

Moving Forward

Use this as an opportunity. Rather than thinking of this replacement as the end, consider it as a new beginning. Take this time to redefine your purpose in life. Perhaps you realize that it is now time for a new career or to reevaluate how you select friends or significant others. Use this as an impetus to improve yourself.

Get out of the house. Don’t mope around and wear yourself thin from worrying. Enjoy yourself! Continue to do all the things that you love. Invite your friends to do these things with you or go solo. Go see a movie or to a bookstore. Go out to dinner. Practice a sport that you love.

Find a new hobby. Sometimes, doing the same things you always did can feel a bit boring, however. Consider spicing up your life by incorporating some new activities into your daily or weekly routine. This will help give you a renewed purpose and interest in life and can help you move on from this rejection even faster. Learn a new skill or language. Try something like horseback riding. Take dance lessons.

Surround yourself with positive friends. The friends you spend time with will make a huge difference in your life. If you find yourself in situations where you must be with the person or people who replaced you, try to add your own friends into the fold as well so that you don’t have to be alone. Though you can’t be with your friends all the time, you can still find moments to spend with them throughout your day, especially if you have class or lunch together. Go out more and meet new friends, as well. You can never have too many friends during this difficult time. If you feel you are in a rut with a current friend or friend group, try to mix up your routine. Do something new together, like trying a new sport or going to a new restaurant. This can help encourage bonding and give you fresh conversation.

Find your own new happiness when you're ready. Begin searching for new jobs, looking for new friends or a new relationship, if you feel ready. Remember that your life is what you create. You are not defined by this replacement, but by how you respond to it and what you do to improve your circumstances. Remember that you are wonderful and no one can take that away from you!