Recognizing Selfishness
Acknowledge that selfishness is not the same as not giving you what you want. When we say a person is “selfish,” what we often mean is that “She isn’t giving me what I want.” For example, if you ask your mother for a Playstation 4 and she says no, but spends money on new shoes for herself, you may think “She’s just being selfish.” However, this isn’t necessarily true; perhaps she actually needs new shoes to go to work, whereas your Playstation 3 doesn’t really need an expensive upgrade right now. Most people don’t like not getting what we want; that’s natural. But take the time to consider whether this is actually the result of selfish behavior from your mother, or if it is due to something else. You may also interpret behavior as selfish if it doesn’t meet your needs as you define them. For example, if you want your mother to do your homework with you every night and she can’t several nights because she has to work, you might feel that she’s being selfish to not meet your needs. You have the right to want your mom to help you with homework, but you should also acknowledge that she has other responsibilities that sometimes mean she can’t help you. In contrast, if you ask your mother to buy you a new pair of sneakers because you’ve outgrown yours and she says no, but then spends money to buy herself something frivolous, this may be an example of selfish behavior because she is not meeting your real needs.
Look for “Win-Lose” outcomes. Selfishness often results in “win-lose” situations, where one person always comes out ahead and the other behind. Sometimes, this outcome is unavoidable: if you ask your mother to buy you alcohol when you’re underage and she says no (which she should do), you’re going to be in a win-lose situation because she has decided the outcome she wants and you haven’t gotten the outcome you want. However, in most cases, compromise can help the two of you come to an agreement that works okay for both of you. If your mother is never or rarely willing to compromise, she may be behaving selfishly. For example, if your mother never allows you to use the car to go see friends because she wants you to spend time with her, this could be an example of selfishness. However, if she only allows you to use the car on weekends because she wants to you to be in bed early on school nights, this is a compromise: you get to socialize with your friends sometimes, and she gets to make sure that you’re staying healthy and productive when you need to be. Another example of selfish mothering might be if she returns home from work and demands that you stop whatever you’re doing and talk with her, regardless of whether you have other responsibilities or commitments. Her desire to talk with you about your day is healthy, but demanding attention on her own terms all the time is not. She may say that you are “ungrateful” if you do not respond to her demands in the way she wants. However, a desire to talk with you itself isn’t necessarily selfish, nor is expressing that desire in an unhelpful way. If your mom asks you to stop your homework and talk with her, and you tell her that you can’t because you have to get it done, she should acknowledge that and ask for an alternate time. This is a healthy compromise and acknowledges your needs as well as her own. This isn’t selfish, even if her initial communication felt irritating or self-centered. Remember that in some cases, one of you may “lose” (or not get what you want), but in general, healthy relationships -- even between parents and children -- are marked by mutuality and compromise. An example of a win-lose outcome for someone who no longer lives with her mother would be a mother who always asks to borrow money from her child but never pays her back and uses the money to gamble.
Watch for emotional manipulation. Emotional manipulation is another hallmark of selfish behavior. A classic example of this is the parental “guilt trip.” The guilt trip may be unintentionally selfish -- your mother may feel like she’s just expressing her love for you -- but it is coercive and unhealthy, and can lead to resentment of her. For example, if you are looking at colleges and considering a few that are far away from where you live, your mother might attempt to emotionally manipulate you into staying closer to home by saying things like, “Fine, go to college in Wisconsin. I guess you don’t care that I’ll be lonely.” As another example, she might become easily offended if you tell her no. For example, if she asks you to do something and you say you can’t, she may remind you “But I do so much for you. Nobody does as much for you as your mother.” She may try to make you feel like you take her for granted, or she may compare you unfavorably to someone who “loves” his mother. Guilt trips and other types of emotional manipulation are selfish because they don’t consider both people’s needs as valid. An emotionally manipulative or selfish mother will put her needs before yours, all or most of the time. If your mother guilt trips you, it’s very likely that she doesn’t realize that this type of interaction can cause real harm. Studies suggest that people who use guilt tripping are often so focused on getting what they want through this technique that they don’t realize it not only harms the other person, it can come back to haunt them later by encouraging you to disconnect.
Look for signs of neglect. Believe it or not, sometimes parents can be selfish by giving you too much freedom to do what you want. Your mom’s rules may seem overly strict or pointless to you, but she has likely instituted them to give you a framework to keep you safe, healthy, and happy. If your mother lets you do whatever you want, whenever you want, without talking to you about boundaries or consequences, she could be being a selfish parent by not giving you the structure you need to develop. For example, if your mother lets you smoke and drink underage because she doesn’t want to have to discipline you or help you end these bad habits, this is actually selfish behavior. Emotional neglect is another sign of selfish parenting. If you often feel like you walk on eggshells around her because she is easily impatient, angry, or controlling, or you feel desperate to please her in the hopes of getting some validation or approval, your mother may be a narcissistic parent. This means that your relationship, in her mind, is all about her. Narcissists behave selfishly because they have difficulty empathizing, or putting themselves in someone else’s shoes and understanding their feelings. Another sign of emotional neglect is that you don’t feel acknowledged by her. Perhaps she asks about your feelings, but then doesn’t really listen and blows through them to talk about herself. Perhaps she dismisses you when you try to talk to her about your feelings or concerns. These are signs of a selfish, narcissistic mother.
Protecting Yourself
Consider your own actions. You may think your mother is being selfish but be sure this judgment is not being driven by the fact that you just aren’t getting your own way. Think about whether what you are after or expecting from your mother is justified and reasonable. This is not to undermine or take lightly your opinion on thinking your mother is selfish. However, when we get upset we can view others in a way that we later decide is inaccurate or irrational. A relationship between parent and child is very significant, so it should not be taken lightly; extra caution is needed to evaluate the situation and decide how to move forward. For example, you may feel that your mother is selfish because she keeps pressuring you to choose a particular major in college that she enjoys, but isn’t something you’re interested in. It’s possible that this is selfish, motivated by her desire to feel accomplished through you at any cost. It’s also possible that she believes she is doing the best for you by encouraging you to do something she thinks you will succeed at. Think about your role in the situation. Have you expressed that you respect her opinion but will make your own choice? Or have you just been quiet and nodded your way through the 87th suggestion? She may not understand that she’s harassing you if you haven’t communicated your own ideas.
Get social support. If your mother is self-absorbed and does not give you the attention or emotional support that you feel you need, turn to others for that social support instead. Although no one can replace your mother, you do not need a replacement to feel better about yourself. Reach out to friends and other family members to counteract the stress that can result from having a selfish mother. Having social support can protect against stress and can make you feel better in general and about yourself in particular. Reach out online or through friends who have also have selfish mothers. It can help knowing that you are not alone in your struggle and it may be fruitful, too; you can put your heads together to figure out solutions to your shared problems.
Define your own self-worth. If your mother does not care when you achieve something, care that much more yourself about your achievements. If your mother makes you feel bad about yourself because she needs you to be “perfect” in order to feel good about herself, remind yourself that this is her problem, not yours. Do not let other people, even your mother, define how you feel about your own sense of worth. How you feel about yourself ultimately matters most as you are the one ultimately in charge of your life and your future. No one will care more about yourself than you, and so your opinion of you should matter most. Focus on achieving goals larger than yourself and not worrying about your situation with your mother, as much as possible. There are a couple of types of self-esteem. Global self-esteem is your attitude toward your whole self, who you are as a complete person. Specific self-esteem is your attitude about elements of yourself, such performance in school or at work, or your appearance. Both of these are important to feeling good about yourself. Adaptive self-esteem is about being true to yourself; with this type, you feel authentic, and that makes you feel good about yourself. Maladaptive self-esteem is external: it comes from meeting standards that aren’t your own, or by comparing yourself to others. If you have a selfish mother, you may have low self-esteem because you have been taught to compare yourself to others or to external standards that aren’t meaningful to you. Try to reorient your focus on achieving goals and building traits that are meaningful to you and haven’t been dictated to anyone else. This will help you care less about what others, including your mother, think about you. For example, if your mother has always told you that you need to lose weight and look more attractive, you may have low self-esteem about yourself. Try to find what is meaningful to you instead. If you decide you want to lose weight to feel more fit and healthy, go for it. If you decide that you like just where you are, be proud of that. The goal is to accept yourself and set your own standards for yourself, not allow anyone else to do it for you. As another example, if you told your mother that you got a job promotion and work and she fires back with an envious response saying that what you do for a living is nothing to be proud of, think about her motives for saying something so nasty. Also think about what doing well at your job means for you, and you alone! Your mother does not have nearly as close to an idea, compared to you, about what goes on at your job and the impact you have. Keep in mind that you are the expert on your life, not her!
Support yourself. You will be less influenced by, and thus better able to deal with, your mother's selfishness if you support yourself more instead of relying on her for things. You may even find that your relationship becomes more adult-like as you develop a better sense of autonomy and maturity; her selfishness may come to bother you less and this may help you deal with your relationship with her. You can support yourself in multiple ways. Start by working toward making your own decisions more often. You may find that you can make decisions fine on your own but just never gave yourself the chance. Another way to support yourself is to work toward meeting your own needs. In particular, learning how to comfort yourself will make you less reliant on your mother. Think hard about what comforts you and makes you happy. For example, you may find that you really calm down by listening to a specific song. If you feel yourself getting upset, acknowledge those feelings and address them by engaging in what calms you down. Treat yourself when you need it. If you have a selfish mother who does not show you enough love, show some love to yourself. Take yourself to the movies or a nice dinner. Pamper yourself with a manicure, or go shopping. Just make sure you don’t allow material “stuff” to take the place of affection -- then it’s an unhelpful crutch, rather than the occasional treat.
Distance yourself. If your mother won't listen to you or change the things that are causing you pain and upset, do what you can to remove yourself from her sphere of influence as much as possible. Try to become less dependent on your mother; if she is self-absorbed she is not someone you want to be depending on, after all. Although it may be difficult at first, in the long run you will likely feel better for it. If you no longer live with your mother, try limiting your contact with her to special occasions or family gatherings. Do not give into guilty feelings for distancing yourself from your mother if you truly believe she is selfish, self-absorbed, or narcissistic and cannot or is not willing to change. Although guilt motivates us to repair relationships, keep in mind that some relationships, even sometimes with your mother, are not worth repairing. That said, it is key that you have honestly assessed and accurately assessed your situation and have little reservation about the idea that your mother’s selfishness is corrosive to your well-being.
Confronting Your Mother
Talk to your mother about what concerns you. If she is willing to listen, make sure not to be too aggressive, confrontational, or blaming; otherwise she will be less likely to consider changing. Always talk in a calm collected manner, even if she begins to yell, keep your cool. Keep in mind that it is very difficult to change others’ behaviors and ways of thinking, particularly if they are self-absorbed or narcissistic.
Understand where she is coming from. Think hard about what is motivating your mother to act selfishly. Perhaps your mother is going through hardships of her own and is not meaning to be 'selfish'. If your mother is elderly and is in poor health, she may genuinely need more attention and help; her selfishness may be a necessity of her new station in life. If she was neglected as a child, she may be insecure in her relationships with others and this may be contributing to her selfish, self-absorbed personality. If you understand where she is coming from, you may change your mind on how selfish she is actually being; or if not, you will at least have some sense on how to confront her when the time comes. For example, if you think she is selfish because she was neglected as a child you may remind her that you also feel neglected and that you two should work together to break the family cycle by improving your relationship, not letting her parents’ and her past determine your shared future.
Focus on her behaviors, not her character. Instead of saying things like “you are selfish,” phrase your complaints more along the lines of “I think that sometimes you act selfishly by doing ____”. This puts the emphasis on specific behaviors and refrains from directly making a character judgment. Judging her character will just put her on the defensive and make her upset; if you isolate her specific actions she will more easily see how she has been acting inappropriately; calling her selfish doesn’t give her anything to work with.
Use “I”-statements. Saying things like “You’re selfish” or “You aren’t being a good mother” justly put people on the defensive. If you use “you”-statements with your mother, she is likely to shut down and feel attacked, even if otherwise she would have been open to listening. Use “I”-statements to keep the focus on your feelings. Remember: you can’t know your mother’s intentions, but you can know your own feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You’re inconsiderate and selfish,” use a specific “I”-statement: “I feel neglected when you rush past my day to talk about your own all the time. I would feel more valued as your child if you asked me questions about my life.” Avoid should/ought statements, too, such as “You ought to listen to me more” or “You should be a better mother.” Keep the focus on yourself and how you feel: “I don’t feel heard when you brush my concerns off” or “I feel upset when you don’t acknowledge my accomplishments.”
Keep the hyperbole out of it. If your mother is selfish, it can feel like she is literally the most selfish person in the world and is ruining your life. Even if that feels like the truth, you will have much better success in talking with her if you avoid hyperbolic and overemotional language. For example, avoid statements such as “Your selfishness is ruining my life.” Instead, go for something calm and balanced, such as “I have a hard time socializing with my friends when you do not let me use the car, even on weekends.” The facts are the same, but the latter statement is less blaming and judgmental, and may get a better response.
Emphasize your own needs. Your mother's selfishness may be driven by a lack of awareness about what you need. There is a chance that she would be willing to change but that she just is oblivious to her own behavior. Tell your mother what you need out of your relationship with her; focus on the things that you can't do without. For example, you may need her to listen to you sometimes, or you may need her to be more encouraging, or less critical and judgmental, or you may need her to quit making all of the things that happen in your life ultimately about her. When telling her a list of your needs, also let her know about other things you would like from the relationship some day but that are not necessary to focus on right now. This will let her know that you are willing to compromise and that you are not being unreasonable by expecting her to immediately adopt changes in every way that you would like. For example, you could say, “Mom, I could really use a pep-talk from you every now and then. I feel hurt when you don’t acknowledge any of my accomplishments and don’t want to hear about my day. I’d like you to put some time aside every week to listen to what’s going on in my life.”
Set boundaries. If your mom is being selfish in an intrusive way, such as by showing up to your house unannounced when she is not wanted there, or by failing to give you privacy if you live with her, let her know this is inappropriate.Tell her that her behavior is very frustrating and unacceptable. Start by setting small boundaries. The trick is to start small, like getting your foot in the door, and then building up to bigger boundaries once she is used to the smaller boundaries. Here's an example: if your mom shows up at your apartment most nights without being invited and then acts angry or hurt when you’re busy, setting a small boundary would be to say that you need her to call you before she comes over to visit. Setting a bigger boundary might be saying that you want to spend time with her, but that she has to call before she comes over and she can only visit you on Thursdays. Remember that your mother wanting to spend time with you or do things with you isn’t inherently selfish. It is only selfish if she refuses to acknowledge your needs and desires when you talk to her about them. Often, some clear communication will make both of you happy.
Speak assertively. Let your mom know that you mean business when you talk to her about her selfish behavior so that she can better understand the gravity of the situation. Assertive communication is not the same thing as aggressive communication. Rather, it involves being direct and open about your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in a way that is respectful of others' needs and points of view. Don't say something less assertive such as "Mom, sometimes you may do things that seem to focus more on you than on other people, I could be wrong but it seems that way to me. Maybe we can talk about it sometime?" Instead, be more assertive with something along the lines of: "Mom, I feel hurt when you make inflexible demands of me even when I have other plans. I want to talk to you about this. I think we can have a better relationship than we currently do. I am willing to put in the effort if you are." You can avoid being unassertive by changing the way you think prior to speaking. Avoid thinking things such as "I should keep quiet because I don't want to burden Mom with my thoughts" or "It could be embarrassing or awkward if I say what I think"; instead, think more assertive thoughts such as "I have the right to say disagree with what Mom thinks".
Suggest family counseling. Sometimes family problems are too difficult to solve on their own and it can be much easier, more efficient, productive, and helpful to get outside assistance to deal with the underlying issues. If you suggest family counseling, bring it up with your mother as the family having relationship issues that you think could use improvement; do not put the entire blame or emphasis on her.
Threaten distance. Selfish people fail to remember that relationships are not destined to permanency. Relationships, of any nature, involve some give and take, some reciprocal back and forth. If your mother is selfish, let her know the specific ways she treats you that you dislike and tell her that if she does not change you will not be able to be around her or treat her like a mom anymore. This may work better if you are an adult or no longer live with your mother.
Cut your losses and move on. Save this as a last result, assuming it is an option for you. Sometimes you cannot salvage a relationship, even with your own mother. Keep that in mind as you attempt to navigate the tricky situation that you are in. If you live at home and do not have the means to move out, rather than letting your selfish mother get you down, make a focused plan for how to move out of the house or do well in school so that when the time comes, you can position yourself in a way that will allow you to remove yourself from the negative situation you are in. If you are a parent and have a family of your own, cut your losses with your mother and focus instead on being the most loving parent to your children that you can be. Turn her negative into your positive. Let yourself grieve. If in evaluating your situation it seems that your relationship with your mother is dead or dying, allow yourself time to process this. Losing a mother to her own selfishness, self-absorption, or narcissism is a very real and painful experience. Do not deny the idea that it is a serious issue; instead, allow yourself to feel sorry but then focus on actionable, goal-directed change and improvement for how to improve your situation and your feelings.
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