How to Deal With Being in a Relationship With an Older Guy

Keeping a Positive Mentality

Ignore judgement from those around you. There are going to be stigmas associated with dating an older guy, and people may give you a hard time about your decision. If you know you’re dating this guy for the right reasons, brush off any negative feedback and focus on the positive things. Be confident when introducing him to friends and family to show that you feel good about your relationship. If you’re questioning whether you truly are in the relationship for the right reasons, such as if you’re only dating the guy for this money, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

Wait patiently for people to accept you both as a couple. If friends and family haven't warmed up to the idea of you dating an older man, stay patient. Give them time to get to know him and understand your relationship. The longer they see you with him, the more they'll understand that you're both serious about each other. While you can share your concerns with your family and friends, tell them the positive aspects of your relationship so that they have a better understanding of it. It may take several months for friends and family to become truly supportive of your relationship.

View yourselves as equals. If you’re constantly thinking of yourself as the younger, more inexperienced one, he’s going to start thinking of you as this too. Let go of the idea that an age gap defines your relationship, and take equal ownership of it. Instead of thinking of him as the person who needs to take care of you, give yourself more responsibility and work together to make decisions in the relationship. Try to take turns doing things like paying for dinners or choosing weekend activities.

Address your insecurities with each other. It's natural for you to have concerns about your relationship when you're dating an older guy, and it's likely that he has some concerns about dating a younger girl as well. Be honest with each other and talk them through so that you're both feeling good about your relationship. For example, if you're worried about the fact that he's wealthier than you and tends to pay for everything, tell him that you're looking for more of a balance when it comes to money, and that you'd like to be able to pay for things as well.

Be yourself! If you’re trying to be someone that you’re not just to please an older man, it isn’t a sustainable relationship. Be comfortable in your own skin and share your true self with your boyfriend, showing him the real you. Speak truthfully to each other and stand up for yourself and your opinions. Avoid covering up your habits, flaws, or personality traits that make you who you are.

Strengthening Your Bond

Find common interests that help advance your relationship. With an age gap, it’s likely that you’ll both have grown up with different cultural references and outlooks on life. Try to find topics or activities that you both enjoy, and teach each other new things to use your age difference as a learning experience. For example, if you have different tastes in music, teach each other about your favorites while respecting each other’s different likes and dislikes. Find activities you both enjoy such as hiking, puzzling, reading, swimming, or traveling. It's normal to sometimes have trouble finding common ground when there's a big difference in your age. Try not to stress about it—if you focus on the values you share, you'll always have something in common.

Get to know each other’s friends. You and your friends might not have the same interests and conversation topics as your boyfriend and his friends due to the age difference. Instead of avoiding getting together with people of such different ages, try to get to know his friends. If you make an effort, he’ll likely make an effort to get to know your friends as well. If you don’t feel comfortable completely merging your friends, go out to have drinks with him and a couple of his friends before inviting him to hang out with a couple of your friends. You could host a small dinner party and get to know each other's friends that way.

Accept his past as something he can't change. If he had serious relationships in the past, was previously married, or has children, accept that this is all a part of who he is. Avoid getting jealous of relationships that are over, as this won't help strengthen your own. If he stays in contact with an ex-wife due to the care of his children, respect this and try to be helpful whenever possible. If something bothers you about his past, like maybe he cheated on a partner when he was younger, address this with him honestly instead of keeping your worries to yourself. Share your own past with him so that you both have an idea of what each other went through in your lives.

Listen and learn from his past experiences. Depending on how big the age gap is, your boyfriend will have several to many more years of experience in life than you. Instead of being self conscious about this, use it to your advantage. Listen to his opinions and advice about things going on in your life—even if you don’t follow it, it might be useful knowledge to hold onto for the future. Older men often have more experience dealing with coworkers and bosses, managing finances, and maintaining good self confidence.

Be supportive of each other. Whether one or both of you has established careers, hectic schedules, or lots of responsibilities, be there for each other and show your support. This means listening to each other when you’ve had a bad day, understanding when work takes a priority, and encouraging one another to do your best in all of your endeavors. Try to be understanding when he has obligations that take up more time in his life than desired. Show him that you care by actively listening when he talks about work, his social life, or other concerns.

Planning for the Future

Talk about your goals for the future with each other. Decide what you want out of the relationship, and where you see yourself in a few years. Look for goals that are similar, such as having a successful career, traveling, or raising children. If you have similar goals, it’s more likely that your relationship will be successful. Consider making a list of your goals for the future to compare them with each other. Picture your future to see what kinds of things you’re hoping to accomplish, such as living near your family, going to school, or starting your own company.

Discuss the subject of children so you’re both on the same page. It’s possible that your guy either already has a child or children, or he’s not interested in having any more. If you’ve decided that you would both like to have a child together, great! If you both have slightly different ideas of what your future looks like in regards to children, have a discussion about it where you’re both honest. If he already has children, think about how you’d feel being a stepparent, or how your relationship with his children would look, making sure you’re ready and open to the possibility. If you don't feel ready to have children yet, make sure he knows this by having an open conversation about it.

Make sure you have similar values. This is important for a strong, healthy relationship. Discuss your personal values such as how big of a priority family and friends are and your views on a work-life balance. Ideally, many of your values will align with each other’s. Other important values include your political and religious beliefs, as well as your opinion on monogamy. For example, maybe you think spending time with family often is important, while he doesn't see family much at all.

Realize he may want to settle down sooner than you. If you're in a relationship with a significant age gap, it's likely that your man will be looking for someone who's ready to get married and possibly have children pretty quickly. Think about if you want this as well, reflecting on what you'd be giving up if you sped up your relationship. Many people think highly of their 20s and 30s as a time to find yourself and what you like, whether that's hobbies, careers, or your dating life. Decide whether dating an older guy would inhibit your ability to do the soul-searching necessary in your youth.

Understand that you will both age differently. Each of you are in different stages of your lives, and if there's a large age gap, he will feel the effects of older age before you do. Think about whether you're prepared to take care of him when he's older, and what that means to you and your family. For example, if you plan on doing lots of traveling in the future, think about whether he'll be able to go on all of those adventures with you. There's always a possibility that he will pass away before you do if he's older, so be mentally prepared for how this would affect your life.