Thinking About Your Fight and Friendship
Consider the reasons behind your fight. Why did the two of you get into a fight? Sometimes friends disagree and need to clear the air, just like couples argue. Fighting isn’t always bad; you can express your feelings and resolve misunderstandings. But sometimes, a fight may be bigger than a simple disagreement, and it may cause you to reevaluate your friendship. Know your limits. There may be some behaviors that you consider unforgivable. For example, you may not be able to tolerate betrayal, gossip, or cheating. If your fight crossed one of these lines, you may decide you need to end the friendship. Sometimes friends may fight over different values. If this is the case, you may want to determine if sharing differing belief systems is a deal-breaker. For example, while you may not share the same political views, is this something that you can get past? Maybe you could agree to not talk about politics, or to share your views without arguing and agreeing to stop if things get hostile.
Look at the history of your friendship. Some friends may just be more confrontational, and having fights with each other is common. One or both of you may have certain behaviors that always trigger arguments. You may also notice fight patterns in your relationship, particularly if you have been friends for a while. Consider your personalities. You may just be two people who like to argue -- with everyone or each other -- a lot. As long as that works for both of you, then it’s probably not necessary to end the friendship. But if you feel like you are fighting a lot, you might want to consider talking to your friend about arguing less. You and your friend may always find yourself fighting because of someone’s bad habits; for example, you are perpetually late in meeting your friend. If that’s the case, it may be better to address the behavior rather than end the friendship. For example, you may notice that you and your friend don’t argue for long stretches at a time about anything, then all of the sudden have a huge blow-up which leaves you not speaking for weeks. You may want to talk to your friend about being more open to sharing when you disagree with each other at the time, rather than letting resentment build up.
Think about your friend’s behavior. Does your friend have a pattern of fighting with other friends frequently? Do they provoke fights or end a lot of friendships? If it seems like this is a pattern with your friend, you may want to take steps to end the friendship. There will likely be drama again in the future. If your friend is the kind of person who is always stirring up drama and making you feel as though you are walking on eggshells around them, afraid you will say the wrong thing, it is probably best that you distance yourself from them.
Consider your feelings about the friendship. How do you feel when you are with your friend? Does your friend lift you up, make you feel good about yourself, listen to you and support you? Or do you feel like your friendship is not genuine, or that you are always relieved at the end of your time together? If your friendship leaves you feeling more drained than fulfilled, it may be time to move on. You may have physical or emotional stress symptoms every time you are around your friend. For example, do you feel a knot in your stomach or a tightening in your chest when you are around your friend? Do you feel anxious, irritable, or competitive in their presence? If so, this may not be the healthiest friendship for you, and you may wish to disengage.
Talking It Over
Find a trustworthy person to talk to. Choose a trusted person to talk to who will not gossip about conversation within your circle of friends. Be as objective as possible when explaining the circumstances and ask for an unbiased opinion. Talking over your problem with family, a friend, a therapist, or a clergy member may help you come to a good decision as to how best to handle the situation. If it gets back to your friend that you have been talking about them behind their back (even if it was not a negative conversation), then you may not be in the driver's seat about ending it any more. You and your friend have already had a fight bad enough for you to consider whether or not the friendship can survive. Don't complicate things by talking about it with someone you both know; talk to someone outside your shared circle.
Find out what others think about your behavior. Ask a friend, family member, or even the friend you fought with (if you are speaking to each other) about how you contributed to the fight. Maybe they can help you see something in your personality that is contributing to the problem in your friendship. Be sure to think about the feedback the person gives you and why they might be giving you this feedback. If you think your fight was more about your own problems than your friend, talk to your friend about it. You could say, “I think part of the reason why our fight was so bad was because I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately. I took it out on you, and I am sorry,” or “I’ve ditched friends in the past after getting into fights with them, and I think it’s a pattern with me.” If your conversations reveal patterns in your behavior that are troubling you, then you may wish to seek professional help. For example, your friends and family tell you that you have a volatile temper, then you may want to seek help. Consider talking to a counselor about your concerns. Keep in mind that good communication skills are essential to healthy relationships. Work on building your communication skills and body language to express yourself more effectively to friends, family, and coworkers.
Discuss the fight with your friend. If you and your friend are on speaking terms, you could decide to talk about the fight and figure out what went wrong and attempt to compromise with them. Make sure you do this when you are calm and able to keep your emotions in check. It may be good to wait a few days for to get over the raw emotions. Find a time and place to talk privately. You could say, “I think we need to talk about what happened. Would you be able to meet me this afternoon?” Don’t go into your conversation with an agenda. Keep an open mind about what your friend has to say and listen to their perspective. Remember, you don’t want to continue your fight, you want to figure out if this friendship is worth saving. If your friend gets argumentative, you could say, “I don’t want to argue, I just want to figure out what’s going on with us. If we can’t do that without anger, then maybe we should take a break.” You could decide to follow up later with another conversation, or make the decision to keep your distance from the person. Compromising can be a win-win situation for you and your friend. To find middle ground for a compromise, try asking questions like, "Is this something where I have to have the final say and be right?" "What is it that I am right about?" "Is this something that is of value to the other person?" "Is it okay that they have their own opinions on a particular matter?" "Is my conflict with this person or issue more important than my friendship?" "Is it worth spending so much time and energy arguing, or would our time be better spent in a more positive interaction?"
Discuss ways you could change. You and your friend could discuss what each of you see as problems in your relationship, and figure out how each of you can help solve the problem. Make sure both of you keep an open mind and listen to what the other person has to say. Name the problem and suggest a fix. For example, maybe your friend is not good at returning your texts and calls. You could say, “You don’t have to respond to every single text, but it really hurts my feelings when you don’t communicate with me, especially when I need to talk to someone. Do you think you could do a better job of responding to me?” Listen to your friend’s concerns. Acknowledge their point of view. For example, you could say, “I can see how you would think I was ignoring you when I was talking to Juan. I’m sorry that I hurt you. What I was really doing was….”
Acting on Your Decision
Take some time to think about it. Don’t make any decisions out of anger. Make sure you are able to separate yourself from your emotions before coming to a decision about what you would like to do next. You could make a list of all the reasons you would like to rectify things with your friend, then make another list of all the reasons you would like to end the friendship. Examine the lists side by side to help you make your decision. You could also spend some time writing in a journal about your feelings. Writing helps you clarify your emotions and can help you come to a decision. Imagine your life without this person in it. Think about how ending the friendship would impact your life for better and for worse. You may lose some mutual friends, you may still see them frequently and feel uncomfortable in their presence, or you may feel relieved that you won’t have to deal with them anymore.
Consider pulling back from your friend. Rather than ending the friendship, you could decide to put some distance between you and the other person. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing relationship. Putting some distance between you and your friend does not necessarily require a conversation and can happen naturally. For example, you could decide to remain friendly with this person at work or school, but decide to stop hanging out with them outside that environment. You could decide to stop texting or calling as frequently. You could spend more time hanging out with other friends, especially those in a different social circle. You could make new friends by taking up new hobbies or activities.
Consider taking a break instead. Instead of deciding to end the friendship, you could suggest to your friend that the two of you decide to take a break from each other for a while. You could agree on an amount of time you keep your distance from each other, and then reevaluate your decision in a few weeks or months. You could say, "Chris, maybe it's best that we keep our distance from each other for a little bit. We were pretty mad, and there's probably still some hard feelings. So why don't we cool off, then talk again in a few months?" Agree to talk again after the time has elapsed. You can then see if your feelings have changed towards each other. If they haven't, it may be time to end the friendship.
Break up kindly. If you decide to end your friendship, be respectful and talk to your friend about it. Don’t “ghost” them or ignore them. It will probably be an uncomfortable conversation, but talking to them about your decision is the responsible thing to do. Acknowledge their feelings. You could say, “I know you might be upset to hear this, but after our fight, I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I realize that I don’t want to be friends anymore.” Apologize for your role in the fight, even if you have made the decision to end the friendship. It shows that you accept responsibility for your behavior, and can help make things easier down the road if the two of you need to interact with each other.
Avoid gossiping about your friend. Take the high road no matter what. Don't say bad things about that person and don't listen to anything bad about him or her either. Saying bad things or encouraging bad gossip just keeps things churning. You could say, "We had our differences, and I moved on. I don't want to discuss it right now.”
Grieve your loss. Ending a friendship can be painful even if it was time for it to end. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to express your emotions. Grief can make you feel sad, drained, detached, exhausted, angry, anxious, guilty and more. Feel what you feel without judgment. Suppressing your feelings will not help you move on. Practice self-care. Self-care are things you can do to help improve your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Self-care looks different for everyone, so take some time to think about things you enjoy that help you feel better. For example, you may like to be out in nature, work out, sing, or have coffee with a friend.
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