How to Get Your Friends to Want to Do Things With You

Strengthening Current Friendships

Reflect on your friendships. If you are feeling left out, unwanted, or taken for granted by your friendships, it’s time to take a hard look at why that may be. Sitting down to brainstorm or even writing out your feelings can help you identify what exactly is going wrong. How have your friends been treating you lately? Do they cancel plans at last minute or is it more that you always feel like you have to make the initial invitation in order to see them? Is it a consistent pattern amongst all of your friends? Do you have a best friend or any especially close relationships? If so, asking for their perspective may be useful as they may see things from the outside that you miss. Know you’re not alone. Friendship difficulties are something that everyone experiences in their lifetime. Furthermore, a recent study has found that Americans also have fewer close friends than they used to. The researchers believe that other social variables, such as longer work hours, have been contributing to this unfortunate trend.

Brainstorm creative solutions. Sometimes simple solutions, such as trying something new together, can reinvigorate a stale friendship. Invite your friends to fun activities and try something new!

Invite friends to activities tailored to their interests. Just make sure that it’s something you’ll enjoy too so that you don’t feel like you’re doing it purely for their benefit. For example, if one of your friends loves being active, invite them to a new yoga class or propose a bike ride to a place you’ve never been to before.

Host gatherings. You don’t have to go all out and have a massive party, but inviting a few friends you haven’t seen in a while to your home for a nice dinner can let your friends know you truly care about them. Be sure to make your space comfortable and inviting. Consider having board games, books, or other interesting conversation starters. Having a fun space that creates fond memories for your friends will help you bond and also encourage them to want to spend more time over.

Suggest doing errands together. Having a two-birds-with-one-stone approach to some activities will incentivize the friend to meet up with you. For example, exercising together or running errands can be a casual way to share an activity and spend some time together.

Be positive. One of the most best ways to make friends want to spend time with you is simply by staying positive. No matter how many interests you share with someone or how long you’ve known them, people inevitably get tired of constant negativity. Strike a good balance between opening up to friends about the stresses and problems in your life and having a positive outlook. Smile and laugh often as people are attracted to those who make them feel good. If you aren’t a naturally positive person, try to improve your outlook. Take time to notice and appreciate what you have in life. If you struggle with low self-esteem, be intentional about self-care and learning to accept and love who you are. Self-improvement efforts will eventually translate into being a happier person which will in turn lead to improved relationships.

Express your appreciation. Let your friends know that you are grateful for them and their company. You don’t need to make a grand speech about it (in fact, that may be awkward or off putting) but do let them know! Casual statements such as, “Hey, thanks for taking the time to do this with me, I’m having a great time” or “I really appreciate what a wonderful listener you are” can make your friend feel good and more likely to want to spend time with you again in the future. Other considerate gestures, such as remembering their birthdays and checking in when they are going through trying times will strengthen your friendship and make them more likely to seek your company in the future.

Forming Healthy Social Groups

Go out and meet new people. Perhaps you’ve outgrown some friends or they’ve outgrown you. Either way, if you feel like it’s a constant, draining battle to get your friends to hang out with you, forming some new social groups may be necessary. Through forming a few close friendships or becoming part of a new community, you should find some people who are not only willing but actively want to spend time with you. Make friends who are willing to grow and evolve with you, and aren't stuck in negative patterns.

Look for people with similar interests. Try going out to places that are likely to attract people with similar interests. This may seem obvious, but we tend to form stronger friendships with those who are similar to us. Therefore, if you love to read, join a book club. If you love animals, try volunteering at an animal shelter. Any activity that brings you in contact with people who are likely to have common interests will heighten your chances of meeting a new friend.

Project confidence. When meeting new people, show them that you are comfortable by looking them in the eye and maintain a relaxed but confident posture by holding your back straight and dropping your shoulders. Body language communicates a great deal and you’re more likely to make friends with people who feel comfortable around you.

Show you are interested. During conversations, be sure to ask follow up questions, which will not only let people know you genuinely want to get to know them but also help you find common ground which will get you beyond the small talk and into the conversations that really create a bond. If you are finding it hard to carry on a conversation, try dropping a small (but sincere) compliment, asking them about their day, or their opinion on a recent news event.

Initiate one-on-one meetings. Parties and other social gatherings are great for meeting people but really getting to know a person takes time and extended conversation. That person you met who is also obsessed with cats? Ask them if they’d like to get tea or coffee with you sometime. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, especially if you’ve already established common ground with someone. If that person turns you down, don’t take it personally and just move on as you are bound to meet others who actively reciprocate a desire to get to know you better.

Say yes to invitations. When invited to social events, say yes as much as possible. Whenever you make an effort, people will take notice and appreciate that you follow through on invitations. The more social gatherings you attend, the stronger your bonds will be with those who invited you. And, of course, you have the added benefit of meeting even more potential friends!

End toxic friendships. There are some friends who, no matter what you do, simply don’t seem interested in spending time with you or reciprocating any efforts you make for them. It can be difficult to know exactly when and how to end a friendship but it’s something we must all do at some point or another. Tune into your emotions and ask yourself how this person makes you feel. Do you feel they listen to and genuinely care about you? Do you feel exhausted by their energy or do you just get the sense that the friendship is inauthentic? Be honest with yourself when examining the relationship. If this person intentionally excludes you from events or manipulates you, then those are clear signs to get out. Toxic friendships tend to be unsupportive, draining, stifling, and unequal. If you are constantly initiating activities with a friend and receive nothing in return, that is a definite red flag of a toxic friend. If this “friend” already gives you the silent treatment, it may not be necessary to even let them know you are cutting off the relationship. However, if they begin to pester you, it’s important to be direct about your intention to end the friendship. If you do decide to let them know directly that you are ending the friendship, make it clear that it is because of how you feel and emphasize that you are making the decision for your own health and happiness. Do not blame them or imply that there is something wrong with them as a person. After all, you’re not trying to make enemies, you just want better friends. If you cannot avoid seeing this person (such as being coworkers or in the same class), limit the amount of time you spend around them and set clear boundaries. Don’t be cold or cruel towards them, just make it clear that you no longer want to give your time and energy to an unhealthy and draining friendship.

Understanding Friendships

Learn how friendships are formed. Understanding the basics behind friendship dynamics will help you become a better friend and analyze your own friends’ behaviors. Friendships can form in a variety of places, from your workplace or school to chance encounters and the Internet. However, regardless of how you meet a person, a true friendship is only formed through emotional and mental connections. There are many factors that go into the formation of a friendship. Some of these factors include similarity (having shared interests, preferences, style, etc), fascination (being genuinely interested in getting to know each other), spending time together (to build collective experiences and memories that draw each other closer), and loyalty (being there for each other through thick and thin).

Understand and practice self-disclosure and reciprocity. Though you may not hear these terms in everyday conversations, they are two crucial variables to friendship formation. We often do both instinctively, but being conscious about practicing both can help you form stronger friendships in the long run. Self-disclosure essentially means being vulnerable and disclosing things about yourself that you wouldn’t want the whole world to know. Opening up to another person signals that you trust them and want them to better understand you. Sharing personal details or problems to each other creates a new intimacy out of which a friendship is formed. However, this process doesn’t occur unless both people open up to each other, therefore it’s necessary for both people to reciprocate in order to be friends. Aim to create friendships that are balanced, with each of you putting in about the same amount of effort and energy.

Know the importance of interaction. Though studies have shown that face to face interaction is still the number one way to form and maintain relationships, there are many methods today to maintain correspondence. Facebook, email, Skype, and other methods of communication all help to maintain connections--the important thing to is to stay in touch. Everyone has different styles of communication, so understanding your friends’ individual methods will help you interact with them in their preferred way. You can even directly ask your friends, as some people have anxiety about social media interaction and prefer to meet face to face while others are the exact opposite.

Consider your own style of relating to others. Once you have understood the basic psychology behind friendships, try relating what you have learned to your own behaviors. Taking some time to ask yourself the following questions can help identify ways in which you can improve as a friend. Are you more of a giver or a taker? All relationships require both giving and receiving so try to identify if you tend to lean more in one direction or another. Are you a good communicator? What types of interaction do you perform best in? Communicating effectively is key to any good relationship so think about whether you are better able to open up in person, over the phone, and whether you disclose enough about yourself and listen to others when they do the same to you.