Just listen and sympathize if she’s venting.
First and foremost, be a good partner by hearing her out. If she’s dealing with a problem, she may simply be expressing her frustration. It’s even possible she even knows how to solve her problem already and she just wants you to listen. Before you start offering your opinion, actively listen and hear her out. It’s possible she isn’t even seeking advice. If she sounds angry or frustrated, she’s probably venting. If she sounds confused or lost, she may be looking for advice. Phrases like, “I just can’t believe it,” and, “I’m so annoyed” indicate that she’s just expressing herself. If she says something like, “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” or, “I don’t understand why they’re acting this way,” she’s probably open to advice. This doesn’t necessarily apply if you’re just giving unsolicited advice. If she isn’t actively talking through a problem and you want to give her some feedback or criticism, you can, just make sure it’s helpful and that you’re being empathetic.
Ask if you aren’t sure she wants advice.
If advice is on the tip of your tongue, you can always ask to give it. This is a great way to ensure that she’s ready for your opinion if you really aren’t sure. There’s nothing wrong with just straight up asking if she wants you to listen or share your perspective. Wait for a break in the conversation and jump in calmly to double-check what she wants from you. When she reaches a break in her story, rant, or thought exercise, just ask, “Do you want help on this one?” or, “Do you want feedback?” If you’re thinking about giving her random and unsolicited advice, this is a key step. You might throw out, “Hey, can I offer you some advice on something? I’ve been thinking about your situation at work and might have an idea,” or, “I know this is random, but I just had a thought. Can I throw a suggestion out about that argument you had with your mom?” If she’s not ready, let it go.
Feel free to give unsolicited advice if she’s weighing options.
If she’s thinking out loud about a tough choice, she probably wants help. If she’s walking through a bunch of options with you, she’s probably talking to you because she wants a thought partner. You’re in a relationship with her, so she obviously values your feedback and ideas. Just treat her the same way you normally would and help her work through her problem. For example, if she’s got a problem with her friend and she says, “I could tell her why I’m upset, but that might just start another big argument. On the other hand, I could just let it go,” you might say, “Do you think she’s mature enough to have a conversation about it? If so, I’d tell her.” If helping her weigh options has you walking on eggshells, it may be a sign that there’s an underlying problem here. You shouldn’t feel weird about giving her advice when she’s actively soliciting your ideas!
Open by establishing a shared understanding.
Make sure that you’ve got the story right before proceeding. If you start rattling off advice but your picture of events doesn’t match up with her reality, no good will come of it. Just start by asking a few clarifying questions. Not only will this make her feel like you’re authentically trying to understand her, but this will also keep you from throwing out some unhelpful advice. Even if you think you already know the answers, it’s important that she knows you know. For example, you might ask, “Wait, so your boss didn’t want to talk about your promotion? And you were scheduled to be promoted last month, right?” If she has a beef with one of her friends, you could ask, “So, what did Sarah say specifically that made you so upset? Was it the comment about your blouse?” followed by, “And it really isn’t about her critiquing your fashion sense, it’s more about the way she puts you down in front of other people, right?”
Think through whether you can add anything helpful.
You shouldn’t give advice if you don’t have anything productive to add. Some problems have no easy solutions, and you may not have anything unique to add that she hasn’t already thought of. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not giving her advice if you don't think you can help. You might say, “Man, this is a tough one. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I really don’t know the solution here,” or, “I’m super sorry. I wish I could help, but I just don’t know what you should do.” This is especially important when it comes to personal criticism. If you want to give her advice regarding something she does and she doesn’t already think it’s a problem, you’re just going to anger her. Randomly throwing out unwarranted personal criticism is never going to be helpful.
Gently walk through what you would do.
Provide advice from your perspective, not hers. It’s hard to take advice to heart if you just keep hearing “you, you, you” over and over again. Pretend you’re her and walk through your idea using the first person “I.” This will keep her from feeling attacked, and she’ll be more likely to take your suggestion the right way. Instead of saying, “You should go to talk to HR” (or worse, “You need to talk to HR”), you might get better results with something like, “If I were in your shoes, I’d try talking to HR.” Avoid advice like, “You can’t talk to people that way and expect them not to respond.” Instead, try, “I think I might take it the wrong way if someone said that.” The first option sounds like the “you” did something wrong, while the second option makes it sound like the “I” has the problem.
Point out any blind spots she may be missing.
If you see a gap in her assessment, point it out to her. You don’t even really have to give any advice to do this; simply ask her if she has thought about something in a particular way. Good ideas are more potent when people stumble upon them on their own, and asking a good question can trigger her to think about a problem in a new way. If she’s got a problem with her boss, you might ask, “Do you think your boss is going to be at the company for long?” or, “Do you want to stay at this job for a long time?” If she’s mad at one of her friends for being rude and you have a sneaking suspicion the rest of her friend group might feel the same way, you might ask, “Do you think Michelle or Randy might feel this way too? I would consider an ‘intervention’ if they’ve got a similar problem with Nancy.” This is possibly the best way to give “advice” about a habit or personal trait. If your girlfriend always makes jokes that make you feel insecure, you might ask, “Do I ever crack jokes that make you feel bad?” or, “Is there any way you’d think I might feel bad when people mock my clothing choices?”
Tell a story if it’s relevant.
People love stories, and if you have a helpful tale, tell it. This is a great way to give someone insight without even touching the realm of direct advice or criticism, tell a story. If you have a relevant life experience, share it with her! Maybe she’ll pick something helpful out of the narrative and apply it to her situation. For example, if she keeps arguing with her dad and you used to bump heads with your mom all the time but you found a way to get through it, you might tell her how you did so. Keep it short. It may be tempting to weave an epic yarn if it’s a really good story, but it’s easier to extract a lesson if you’re short and sweet here.
Provide suggestions and avoid prescriptions.
Good advice is all about giving someone options, not making demands. Even if you think there’s an optimal choice, you aren’t the one making the decisions. Frame every bit of advice like it’s optional. This doesn’t mean you can’t say there’s a best decision—just that you have to be clear that it’s your opinion. If you’re overly emphatic about your advice being the only correct answer to a problem, she may be resistant. For example, if you know people would listen to her at work more often if she spoke up, saying “You are never going to be heard if you don’t share your ideas out loud,” may just make her feel awful. Instead, you might say, “Have you tried talking at meetings more often? That might work!”
Soften hard truths with extra support.
If she’s in the wrong, voice your opinion in the most loving way possible. Seriously—just shower her in affection, praise, and love while you tell her why she’s incorrect or making a bad decision. You two are partners, and you owe it to her (and yourself) to be honest and open. At the same time, you don’t need to make her feel bad about it. Cushion any difficult advice with a ton of empathy for the best results. For example, if she’s being really unfair to her friend because she can’t let go of a past argument, you might say, “Look, I love you and I know you’re a wonderful friend. People are lucky to have you in their life. I think it feels like you’re being a bit unfair to Jamie on this one, though. Are you still mad about that fight last year?” If she’s been showing up late for work regularly and she’s thinking about going to HR to complain about not getting a promotion, you could say, “Hey, I know you do good work. You know you do good work. Everyone knows that company would be in the gutter if it weren’t for you, but do you think this has anything to do with you being 15 minutes late every day? I know traffic is tough and everything, but that might be holding you back.”
Focus on behaviors, not personality traits.
She’ll never take your advice the right way if she feels attacked. Make any compliments hyper-personal, and keep any criticisms super concrete and impersonal. By focusing on specific actions, she’ll be unlikely to interpret your advice as an attack. Not only will this keep the conversation productive, but it will avoid any misunderstandings or conflict. Let’s go back to the previous example: “Everyone knows that company would be in the gutter if it weren’t for you, but do you think this has anything to do with you being 15 minutes late every day?” This advice works well because it prefaces with a positive personality trait (“you’re a good worker”) and the criticism focuses on what she does, not who she is. “You’re late to everything” sounds way more confrontational than it needs to be!
Don’t internalize it if she isn’t hearing you.
You may feel ignored if she doesn’t listen, but don’t take it that way. Couples often get into a bit of a scuffle when it comes to advice giving. It takes a good dose of vulnerability to share a personal belief about what someone should do, so if she doesn’t take your direction, it can feel like a personal attack. Don’t take it that way. You tried to help, she’s going in another direction, and that’s all that’s happening here. It may sting a bit, but don’t read too much into it. Remember, she values your opinion. Just because she may not see things the way you do in this one particular instance, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about what you think.
Have a serious conversation if this causes conflict.
If giving her advice in good faith is causing friction, talk to her about it. In a healthy relationship, partners should be able to offer advice. So long as you’re being kind, offering reasonable suggestions, and you aren’t throwing advice out so often that she feels barraged by criticism, this shouldn’t cause conflict. If it does, try to sit down with her and talk it out. She may be reacting negatively with good reason. Either way, this is a problem worth addressing. Some people just don’t take suggestions well. If this is her, you could simply stop giving suggestions. However, that’s just a bandage on the problem—if she’s your partner, you should be able to freely and fairly talk to her. This may have something to do with how you give advice. You may be giving her an excessive amount of feedback, which makes her feel like you think everything she does is wrong. It can help to go to couples counseling together if this is a common problem in your relationship.
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