How to Respond when Someone Says They Are Sick

What to Say to Someone Who Isn't Feeling Well

“I’m sorry you aren’t feeling good.” This is a friendly, reasonable way to reply when someone says they’re sick. It’s a small thing, but it signals you hope they feel better and you sympathize with them. Try to be as genuine and authentic as possible. To turn the sympathy up even more, you might say, “Aw, that’s awful. I’m sorry you’re sick.” For a more conversational option, try, “Oh man, I’ve been there before. I know there’s something nasty going around.” If you don’t know how serious their illness is and they don’t tell you, don’t probe.

“I’m here if you need anything.” If this is someone important in your life, let them know you’ve got their back while they recover. They’re probably going to turn you down, but it’s a nice gesture. If there is some minor way you can help, they’ll appreciate it. For a more formal approach with an employee, student, etc., you might say, “Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.” For something a little more forward and friendly, try, “Is there anything I can do to help?” If this is a best friend, you could say, “I can swing by and drop some soup off if you want. I know how tough it is to be sick.” You don’t need to do this if you don’t know the person very well. If this is a classmate on a group project or an acquaintance at work, it’s not necessary to do more than say you’re sorry and hope they feel better.

“You better bounce back quickly so we can hang!” Throw in a positive, fun affirmation if the two of you are close. It’s an easy way to make them feel good, and they’ll appreciate the smile you put on their face. Be playful, but keep it supportive and nice. Unless there’s evidence they’re seriously ill, they’ll take this as a sign of support. You could also say something like: “I hate it when the coolest people in my life get sick!” “You better get healthy soon. I don’t have anyone to crack bad jokes with if you aren’t around.” “You have no right getting sick just when I need my best work friend! Jk. Feel better!”

What to Say to Someone Who is Seriously Ill

“I really want to help; what can I do to make things easy for you?” Be sincere and follow up whatever you choose to say with something like, “I’m serious, I’m not just saying that.” If possible, make your offer concrete and practical. Emotional support is a given, but they may need help with the little things. You might say: “I know people say ‘I want to help’ just to say it sometimes, but I mean it.” “If there’s anything you need from me, tell me. Seriously. I can watch your dog, or offer rides on the weekend. Just let me know.” “I’ve dealt with hospital billing before. Please let me help you with the insurance negotiations; I’m good at it.” It’s possible they won’t want you to do anything. If this is the case, don’t push your help on them. They’d ask if they wanted something.

“I don’t know what to say right now.” It’s okay if you don’t know what to say when someone is sick, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. If someone is seriously ill, maybe there isn’t anything you can say. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being unabashedly honest with someone who is sick. They’ll appreciate your candor. You could say something like: “I’m speechless. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to react to that.” “Give me a second to process this. I’m sorry, this is just a lot.” “Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. I’m so shocked, I don’t know what to say.”

“How are you feeling right now?” A question like, “How do you feel?” signals that you are an open ear for them to express themselves. They may be feeling ashamed, devastated, or embarrassed, and all of that can be a lot to dump on someone else. A short, open-ended question signals that it’s okay to talk to you if that’s what they want. Other options include: “Are you doing okay?” “How are you?” You can also be a little forward if this is a very close friend or family member by saying something like, “If you want to scream, or cry, or whatever, I’m here for it. You can say or do whatever you need to do right now.”

“You mean the whole world to me, you know that?” If they’re in a rough place, it may feel really good for them to hear how important they are to you. It’s also helpful to share something positive when a loved one is facing a serious illness. You might try: “I love you.” “I’ll be thinking about you. I would be devastated if anything happened to you.” “I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t around.”

Say, “I’ll be praying for you,” only if they’re religious. Telling them you’re going to be praying for them may seriously put them at ease. They might want a prayer buddy or someone to go to temple, church, or synagogue with them, so you could offer that, too. This is a nice sign of solidarity. Even if you aren’t particularly religious yourself, this can mean a lot to them.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Being ill can be a very lonely experience. If this is a friend or family member, check in on them regularly to make sure they’re okay. If it’s a best friend, you might reach out every other day just to talk. If it’s a cousin you aren’t super close to, you might text them every other week or so. Just let them know you’re there for them. You might reach out and say: “I’m thinking of you. How have you been?” “How are you doing? I just saw something that reminded me of you.” “Do you want to hang out soon? I’d love to see you.” “Hey! What’s up? You want to do chat?”

Dos and Don’ts of Responding

Listen. It sounds obvious, but they’re opening up because they just want someone to listen to them. Your initial reaction may be to do something, and that’s admirable, but they probably just want you to hear them out—at least when they’re first telling you about their illness. Let them guide the conversation. If they want to talk to you about their illness more in-depth, talk about it in depth. If they don’t, let it go. They’ll signal what they need from you. If this is someone close to you, you’re probably going to be scared, angry, or confused. It’s okay to feel that way, but don’t direct those feelings to the person who is ill.

Continue being yourself. When someone is sick, they’re going to be surrounded by people treating them differently. People might pretend like nothing is going on, or they may be stepping on eggshells. Be a source of normalcy. Don’t try to be anything other than what you are. They’ll probably appreciate it. If you normally crack jokes, go ahead and say something funny while you’re hanging out with your friend or family member. If the two of you both love movies, they’re probably going to enjoy chatting about the recent flicks you’ve both seen.

Curb the impulse to give a lot of advice or ask questions. If they want your advice, they’ll ask for it. If they want to tell you about their treatments, diagnosis, or prognosis, they’ll tell you. Don’t push them to reveal more than they’re comfortable with, and do your best to give them the privacy they want when it comes to their illness. Even if they’re your best friend in the world, there may be something embarrassing for them going on. Try to not take it personally if they don’t share a lot about what’s going on. Generally, avoid making comments like: “Is it terminal? Have you talked to a specialist yet?” “If I were you, I’d go to Northeastern Memorial instead. That’s a way better hospital.”

Try to not take it personally if they ever seem distant or angry. It’s always possible that you say the right thing, and they just take it the wrong way. If they get angry with you, don’t take it personally. They’re in a rough place right now. It’s okay for you to speak, and it’s okay for them to react. Just remember that it isn’t about you.

Avoid trying to make things seem better or worse than they are. They know what they’re going through. Don’t play it off like a terminal illness isn’t a huge deal, and avoid treating the flu like it’s the end of the world. Be realistic and genuine. Stay away from comments like: “I’m sure it’s not all that bad. I bet you’re going to beat this thing!” “Just thank the heavens that you’re going to get better.” “I know you’re going to pull through this soon.”

Unload the heavy emotions when they aren’t around. It’s okay if this is hard for you. However, try to avoid unloading all of that pain on the sick person. They’ve already got so much on their shoulders, and adding to that won’t help them. Cry it out with mutual friends, with a counselor, or with other family members. Whenever possible, be a rock for the person who is sick. If they break down and cry, it’s okay to cry it out with them. But if they’re just generally worried, it’s probably more comforting if you don’t act like the sky is falling (even if it is).