- Plan out what you’re going to say in advance, and give a solid, concrete reason for why you’re saying no.
- Validate their feelings and reassure them that you still like them and care for them.
- Make alternate plans to give your loved one something to look forward to.
- Stick to your boundaries, and be patient with your loved one if they lash out at you.
Ways to Say No
Practice what you’re going to say beforehand. Giving yourself a “script” to follow is a great way to stand your ground. Before you tell someone no, have a rough outline of what you’re going to say in your head to make it easier on yourself. When you’re saying no, pick a quiet, private place to do it. It’s better to say no in person so they can read your body language and hear your tone of voice, but a phone call works, too.
Offer valid reasons for saying no. While just saying “no” is a complete sentence, it can leave someone with BPD feeling confused and slighted. Give them a concrete, solid reason for telling them no so they don’t start to spiral. “Sorry, I can’t go that day because I have a dance class that I can’t miss.” “I wish I could, but my son has a choir concert that night.” “I’m going to be out of town that weekend. I’m really sorry.”
Avoid using metaphors or euphemisms. Anything that could muddy your words or your intent might confuse your loved one. Instead, just be super clear and concise while telling them no. Instead of “I wish I could, but I’m going to be tied up that day,” say, “I wish I could, but I have a meeting I can’t miss.” Instead of, “My plate’s super full right now,” say, “I have a lot of responsibilities to take care of, so I don’t have any free time.” Instead of going on and on, like, “I wish I could, but I have to take Hank to the dentist, and then I’m going to pilates, and then I have a book club…” stick to short answers, like, “I’m sorry, I have 3 prior engagements that day.”
Reassure the person with BPD. Even after giving solid, concrete reasons for saying no, they might be feeling a bit hurt. Be sure to tell them that you saying no is not a reflection of your relationship—you still care for them and want to spend time with them in the future. Offering reassurance like this might feel like overkill, but for someone with BPD, it can really help stop them from spiraling about your relationship. “I’m really bummed I have to miss out! I love spending time with you, so I hope we get to hang out soon.” “Let’s make a plan to hang out next week, okay? I’m sad I can’t see you tomorrow, and I want to catch up.”
Validate their feelings. Let them know that you understand they might be upset. Be sure to focus on their feelings, not their behavior—it’s totally fine to feel sad or hurt, but it’s not okay to lash out in anger. “I understand if you’re feeling a little bummed out. I would be too, probably.” “You’re upset, and I totally get it. I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
Give an alternative. Provide a different suggestion so that you two can still spend time together. Not only does this make your loved one feel like you actually want to see them, but it gives you both something to look forward to. Make a concrete, solid plan so it doesn’t feel like you’re blowing them off. “It’s not great for my asthma to walk that far. Could we pick a flatter track and walk a shorter distance? Otherwise, I won’t be able to do it, sorry.” “I already have a trip booked for that weekend. What about the Friday after that? I only work until 5, so we could grab dinner somewhere.”
What if saying no triggers their BPD behavior?
Keep listening and reassuring them. It’s okay if you don’t understand—just listening will make them feel heard. Hear out what they’re saying and try to reassure them that no, you don’t hate them or want to abandon them. “I understand that you’re feeling hurt, and I’m really sorry you’re feeling that way. It can’t be easy.” “I hope you know that I love spending time with you. I’m also bummed that I can’t make it this weekend.”
Set clear boundaries. When you have a loved one with BPD, it’s important to set clear boundaries to preserve your relationship. Let them know that you understand that they’re hurt, but you have to do what’s right for you. “I know that you’re upset, but I can’t overextend myself like that. I hope you don’t take it personally.” “I totally get that it’s disappointing. I wish I didn’t have to miss it either, but I can’t cancel my other plans. I’m sorry.”
Avoid trying to “save” them. You can absolutely help someone with BPD, but it’s up to them to make changes on their own. Let them know that you’re here to support them, but don’t feel like you have to take responsibility for their actions or their wellbeing.
Be reliable and trustworthy. People with BPD are likely used to people letting them down (even unintentionally). As you move forward, do your best to be dependable and stick to your word. This will help them trust you, and can make your relationship stronger in the future. For instance, if you made alternate plans, do your best to keep them.
Have patience. Even if your loved one is actively trying to better themselves, real change takes time. Give your loved one some grace and let them work toward their own goals at their own pace.
Get professional help if things escalate. If the person you know with BPD threatens to hurt themselves or others, it’s officially out of your paygrade. Get them to a mental health professional or call emergency services if it truly is an emergency. Want to get your loved one some help? Better Help offers professional mental health services online. If you deal with someone with BPD on a regular basis, consider entering counseling or therapy yourself. A mental health professional can help you set boundaries and stick to them, even when it’s hard.
What is BPD?
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by the inability to control one’s emotions. If you know someone with BPD, you’ll probably recognize that they feel emotions very deeply and without rational thought. BPD can impact the way you feel about yourself, others, and your relationships, and it typically causes self-image issues and a pattern of unstable relationships. BPD is likely caused by genetics, though researchers aren’t 100% sure. There are many signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder that can vary between people, but the most common ones include: Fear of abandonment Emotional volatility Sensitivity toward threats of abandonment Seeking validation all the time Trying to manipulate or control others
What triggers BPD?
Delays in responding People with BPD often have a huge fear of abandonment, meaning they’re waiting for everyone in their life to leave eventually. If you forget to respond to their text or miss a phone call, even for a valid reason, this could trigger someone with BPD since they feel scared you’re going to leave. If you are too busy to talk or respond, try to let them know. Instead of ghosting completely, shoot them a quick text saying, “Hey, I’m super swamped with work this afternoon. Can I call you tomorrow?”
Canceling plans Something as simple as canceling plans because you’re tired or because something else came up can make someone with BPD panic. Although they know that, logically, you’re not doing this because you hate them, their mind will be racing with thoughts that you don’t want to hang out with them anymore. Do your best to explain why, exactly, you have to cancel. If you have a solid reason, your loved one with BPD may be able to understand your reasoning better.
Being rejected When it all boils down to it, people with BPD fear being rejected the most. When they open up to others, they’re constantly worried that they’re going to be pushed away for who they are. Let your loved one know that you accept them for who they are, no matter what.
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