Giving Her Love and Emotional Support
Tell her that you’re here to support her in whatever way she needs. This may be a tough situation for both you and your girlfriend, and the best thing you can do is tell her how much you care for her. Try not to assume that you know what she wants. Instead, ask her what you can do to help and let her lead the conversation. She might want to talk about her feelings right away, but she might also want time alone. Simply let her know that you’re there for her when she’s ready.
Listen to how she feels without judgment. If your girlfriend feels like talking about the abortion, focus on listening. She might be embarrassed of her emotions, so make sure she knows she can be honest with you, no matter what she’s feeling. Be kind, supportive, and loving. Let her take her time and talk as much as she needs to. Don’t assume that you know what she’s feeling; it could be anything from sadness, pain, and regret to guilt, anger, or even relief. Make sure she knows that it’s OK to feel this way, and that, no matter what, you won’t judge her. Ask her open-ended questions about what she’s feeling, what she’s been through, and what she wants next. Say things like, “This is a really hard situation for both of us. I care about you and I’m here for you no matter what.” If she has negative feelings towards you afterwards, respond calmly and with compassion, even if you’re getting upset. Say, “I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s incredibly hard and all I want to do is help.” Offer to leave her alone for a while if that’s what she needs.
Don’t minimize her feelings, no matter what they are. It’s natural to want to comfort your girlfriend by telling her that everything will be OK, but this risks trivializing everything she—and you—are going through. Instead, focus on acknowledging her pain and lending your support however she needs it. Don’t try to talk her out of her feelings, even as a way to protect her. Letting her feel her emotions will help her work through them and start to heal. Say something like, “You’re going through so much right now—we both are. I know it feels so hard, but you’re strong, you’ll get through this, and I’m here for you.”
Stay calm if you have negative feelings about the abortion. If you didn’t support the abortion or are having negative feelings afterwards, supporting your girlfriend can feel really difficult. If you can, stay with her and wait for your feelings to settle before talking to her, so you can avoid saying something you’ll regret later. If you feel like you can’t be around her, arrange for friends or family to stay with her. Do your best not to lay the blame on your girlfriend or lash out at her. It’s over with now, and getting angry or upset with her will only make things worse. If you need to talk about your feelings right away, say, “I’m feeling really upset about this. When you’re feeling up to it, I’d like to talk about what’s going on with me.” If you need time away from your girlfriend, say “I need some time on my own to think about how I feel. I care about you so much and I don’t want to accidentally say something hurtful while you’re recovering.”
Look at after-abortion resources together. Many sites offer advice and comfort to help you both through any emotional turmoil you might be going through. Some also offer talk lines that allow you to speak with a counselor anonymously. Some possible resources include: Planned Parenthood Exhale Project Voice All Options
Watch for signs of depression or deeper emotional turmoil. No matter the situation, abortion can be traumatic for any woman and can leave her experiencing depression, numbness, or anxiety. Feelings of loss, sadness, or guilt are normal, but if your girlfriend seems to be more deeply affected, talk to her about speaking with a counselor. Symptoms of depression can include: Feelings of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness Anger or irritability, sometimes over small issues Loss of interest in normal activities Lack of energy Sleep disturbances Changes in appetite or weight Trouble thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
Making Sure She’s Comfortable
Be there for her in-person as much as she needs. Ask your girlfriend if she wants you to stay with her, and tell her you’ll be with her for as long as she needs. Ask if you can hold her hand, or offer her hugs and other soothing touches. She may be feeling sensitive after the abortion, so make sure to ask before you touch her. Say something simple and gentle, like, “Do you want me to stay with you for a while, or do you want some alone time?” Your girlfriend might not feel like being touched or being around others after the abortion. Remember that this is not a reflection on you, but that she simply needs time to recover emotionally and physically.
Offer to help her with anything she needs. Giving her an open door to ask for help will ensure that she doesn’t feel guilty or needy. Offer to do small things, like running errands, making meals, and taking care of pets or kids, and bigger tasks like making doctor’s appointments or calling into work. Say, “I’m here to help you. Let me know if I can do anything to make you more comfortable.”
Help her with her aftercare medications and requirements. Educate yourself on what side effects your girlfriend might experience, which could include cramping, bleeding, and nausea. Offer solutions like a heating pad or pain-relieving medication, but don’t force them on her. Ask what she needs to be comfortable and do what you can to help. Ask the doctor or look online to know when a serious side effect needs extra attention. This could include heavy, persistent bleeding, fever, strong-smelling vaginal discharge, chills, or severe abdominal pain. You should avoid having sex for about 2 weeks after the abortion, as this can cause an infection. Your girlfriend will have to stop using tampons for 2 weeks as well.
Offer to drive her to follow-up appointments. Ask your girlfriend if you can drive her to her post-operative checkup (which will likely be required by her doctors), or any other visits to the clinic or pharmacy. Wait for her in the waiting room so she knows she has someone there when she gets out. If she already has a friend or family member helping her out with this, ask if there’s anything else you can do to help.
Make her a care package of her favorite things. Gather up things that will make her feel loved and cared for, like her favorite foods, magazines, and flowers. Offer to watch her favorite movies or shows, or go out to her favorite restaurant when she feels up to it. You could also include a note telling her how much you care about her. These small gestures can help to brighten up what might be a tough day for her.
Think about how you can help with contraception in the future. Considering how you can help bear the responsibility of contraception will show that you don’t want to take chances with her health or wellbeing. This might be a sensitive subject, though, so don’t bring it up with her just yet. Start thinking about possible solutions and broach the subject before resuming sexual activity. Bring up birth control after waiting a week or two, or whenever it feels like the right time. Wait for a moment when you’re both alone and feeling calm. Say, “I wanted to talk about other birth control options before we start sleeping together again. I’ve been thinking about ways I could help and wanted to see what you thought.” Possible birth control options include condoms, spermicide, vasectomy (a permanent sterilization), or helping your girlfriend to track her fertility.
Caring For Yourself
Think about your own feelings about the abortion. You might feel you have to suppress your own emotions so you can be there for your girlfriend, but this will only result in more pain and frustration in the long run. It’s OK if you don’t feel ready to talk with your girlfriend just yet, but let yourself confront your emotions mentally. You might feel relief, loss, regret, guilt, confusion, or powerlessness. If you’re feeling really negative about the situation, try talking to a counselor or someone that you trust like a family member or close friend. Try to parse out why you feel the way you do to help you understand your emotions. It’s normal not to have the same reaction as your girlfriend, so don’t worry if this is the case. If you don’t talk about your feelings about the abortion, it could affect your relationship moving forward.
Talk to her about how you feel when the time is right. Be honest with your girlfriend and tell her you’d like to talk about your reaction to the abortion, if she’s ready. Openly communicating with her about how you feel can help keep your relationship healthy, and help both of you start to heal. Use your best instincts to know when the time is right to talk. You know your girlfriend well; you might want to wait a few days or a week to talk, or she might want to discuss your feelings sooner than that. If she wants to talk about your feelings but you’re not yet ready, be honest. Say, “I’m not really ready to talk about that just yet. I know you’re here for me and I’ll let you know when I’m feeling up to it.”
Reach out to people you trust. Talk to your girlfriend about the possibility of talking to a trusted friend or family member, or even a therapist or counselor. This can be a good solution if you’re not sure how to express how you feel just yet, and can make opening up to your girlfriend easier. Your girlfriend might not be comfortable with you talking to others about something very personal. Set boundaries together and try to figure out a compromise that works for both of you Remember that your mental health is a priority. If she refuse to compromise, seek out the help you need on your own. If your relationship feels strained after the abortion, talk about trying couples therapy together. Say, “We’re both going through a lot right now and I think talking to a professional could really help.”
Remember that the process will take time for both of you. Your feelings may change over time, and so might your relationship. Give yourself time to work through your feelings and be kind to both yourself and your girlfriend as you go through this process together. The recovery process might be hard for one or both of you. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling and talk to each other often. It takes time, but you will both heal and be able to move on. Focus on healing your mind and spirit through activities like art, meditation, exercise, and talking with people you trust.
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