Demonstrating Your Values
Decide what values are important to pass on to your children. Some values, such as “do not lie, cheat, or steal,” may be universal within your culture. Others, like those from a religious belief system, may be more specific to you and your family. Think carefully about what values you want to pass onto your children. This will help you prioritize what to show them in everyday life. You can always search online for a list of core values or virtues. From that list, pick up to 5 values from this list that really resonate with you. Come up with short, easy definitions for each value. Then, you can think about what each value means to you and why they're all important. Remember that your child doesn't need to learn everything all at once. Start by prioritizing major values such as honesty, kindness, empathy, and sharing when your child is still a baby. Once your kid gets older, you can move onto more complex and nuanced values. Not bullying, for example, would be good to teach a child right before they start school.
Demonstrate good values in your daily life. The most impactful way kids learn values is by watching their parents or guardians. That means that to truly teach your kids good values, you need to demonstrate them in your daily life. Think about what values are most important to you, and make a big deal about showing your kid everyday examples of those values in action. Try to put on a show that catches your child's attention and walks them through the process. You may even want to put on a bit of a show, especially for young children. If you have a chance to show forgiveness, for example, after someone accidentally spills coffee on you, show your child a step-by-step process for that value. Let the person know, “I know you didn't mean to do this, and I'm not upset with you. Thank you for helping me clean up the spill.” Smile, be friendly, and make sure your child sees that you are genuinely not angry about the situation. Children will pick up on the fact that your words and actions don't match if you take a “do as I say, not as I do” approach. That will only teach them that it's alright to say one thing and do another.
Teach honesty by talking your children through everyday examples. There are many times when the chance to be dishonest comes up, and just being honest may not always be apparent. Talk your children through these situations when they arise. Emphasize both that honesty is a choice, and that it ultimately leads to a better outcome. Say, for example, your parents call when you're not in the mood to talk. Instead of saying that you're busy or coming up with an excuse, let them know that you care about them, but you're tired and you will call them back later in the week. Then tell your child, "I could have told grandpa that I'm busy, but that's not true. Instead, I told him that I'm tired. He might be a little grumpy that we aren't talking now, but this gives me a little time to rest so that I can pay close attention to him when we do talk."
Teach empathy by introducing your child to new situations. Adults tend to be more empathetic toward people similar to them or situations that feel familiar. Help your child jump-start their empathy by regularly introducing them to new situations with different people. The more they experience, the greater their potential capacity for empathy. Try setting up play dates with kids from different communities. This lets your child see that even though some people have different ways of life, you can still connect with them. If you are someone who donates spare change to homeless individuals on the street, for example, give your child a few dollars one day and encourage them to donate the money to a less fortunate individual. Teach them that giving from the heart is its own reward. Try playing the "buddy game" with your kids. Put the names of everyone in the family into a hat. Everyone should draw a name at the start of the day, and throughout the rest of the day, each person should look for ways to do something nice for his or her randomly selected "buddy."
Seek out a like-minded community. You cannot and should not try to shelter your kids from the world around them. However, insofar as you can control the environment around your kid, try to surround them with people that will demonstrate the values that you appreciate. Look for institutions like schools and afterschool activities that emphasize values as much as achievements. Others who play a big role in influencing your child might include relatives, teachers, coaches, friends, and friends' relatives. Ask about the beliefs and values that these individuals or institutions try to demonstrate for kids. Talk to them about how they incorporate lessons about respect, empathy, and sportsmanship.
Encourage interaction with diverse perspectives. While it's important to build a community that shares your values, it's also important to let your children interact with people from all walks of life. Doing so encourage empathy and teaches them that other people with different values or core beliefs are still deserving of respect and kindness. You can help your kids interact with different groups in many ways. Take them to new neighborhoods in your town, have them try new foods, or even take them to services for different religious groups. You should also model respect for diversity in your own life. Let your kids see you involved in friendships with people of different backgrounds. Just as importantly, avoid unintentional criticism like, “People from their culture just don't understand how we do things here.”
Celebrate good behavior. Celebrating and rewarding behavior that shows empathy and strong values is a strong tool for reinforcement. When you see your child use the values you are trying to teach them, make a big deal out of it. Let them know that you noticed and that you are proud of them. Don't rely on material rewards new toys or a treat for good behavior. This reinforces the idea that values should be exercised for personal gain. Instead, compliment and praise your child. The attention will still go a long way.
Using Everyday Activities to Teach Values
Volunteer with your child. Pick a cause or local organization and sign you and your child up to volunteer together. Volunteering can introduce your child to diverse people and perspectives, and help them exercise empathy, responsibility, and moral reasoning. Look to organizations like local food pantries, soup kitchens, homes for the elderly, and animal shelters. These are groups that often take volunteers of many ages. Follow up your volunteer work with open conversations. Ask them, “What did feel while you were helping those people today?” Let them ask questions in return, and try to provide honest answers, even if they seem hard.
Assign household chores. Chores help teach children responsibility and accountability. Pick 2-3 household activities for which your child will be responsible. Outline your expectations clearly so that they know what they should be doing from the start. Try to include your child as you assign chores so that they know their opinions are valued. For example, if you want your child to clean their room, don't just tell them to clean their room. Let them know, “I want all of your toys put away, I want you to make your bed, and I want all your clothes in the hamper.” Connect the chores back to your family's values. Let your child know, “We all help clean the house because we all helped make it dirty. When we all pitch in, it lets our whole family know that we care about each other and that we will help one another.” Reinforce the value of chores by assigning consequences if the tasks are not completed. If, for example, your child is supposed to make their bed but refuses to do so, you may decide that they do not get to watch TV until their bed is made.
Read books connected to character development. Many children's books are written specifically to encourage certain values such as kindness, compassion, fairness, and honesty. Look for children's books that demonstrate the values that you want to teach your children. Try to set aside some time every night to read these stories to them. Don't just read the books to your children, have conversations about them. Ask your kid, “Was the action that the main character took good, bad, or a bit of both?” When they answer, ask them why they think that. Common books used to foster discussions about values include Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are, The Giving Tree, The Awesome Book of Thanks, A Chair for my Mother, and A Bad Case of Stripes.
Be conscious of your child's media choices. Technology and media are increasingly important tools for children of all ages. Trying to severely restrict the media your child consumes often encourages them to find new and sneakier ways to view that content. Instead, try to be conscious of what your child is viewing, and provide them with media that demonstrates good values where you can. For example, if you know your child watches a YouTube channel that encourages reckless behavior, talk to your kid about why they like that channel. Have an open discussion about your concerns, and let them know that you don't want them emulating that behavior. This discussion helps them understand what you don't want them to do, while also demonstrating honesty. While the topic is still under scrutiny, most research suggests that there is not sufficient evidence to link things like video games to violent behaviors. When considering media restrictions, be sure to research them thoroughly to see if such as restriction is actually justified.
Talking about Values
Ask questions to encourage moral reasoning. When you talk to your kids about values, ask them questions that really make them think about the topic. Try to use everyday situations to engage them and show them how values can be relevant. Don't frame things in terms of definitive “right” and “wrong.” Instead, let your child use the values that you have taught them to come to these conclusions on their own. For example, instead of saying, "You should not have lied to his friends like that," ask, "Do you think what you did is wrong? Why?” Asking your kids these types of questions throughout the course of a day can trigger a conversation about values. The conclusions they draw themselves are more likely to last longer than conclusions drawn for them.
Tell stories from your past. Talk about what life was like for you when you were the same relative age as your kids. Discuss the difficulties and triumphs you had in developing your current value system. Make sure that the stories you tell are true and avoid exaggerating any details. For example, try telling your child about a time when you were tempted to cheat on a school assignment. If you resisted the temptation, explain your reasoning and how your honesty was a positive influence. If you didn't resist the temptation, explain any negative internal and external consequences that followed.
Listen and encourage questions. Listen to your kids' doubts, concerns, struggles, and question. Questions are a good sign that your kids are thinking about the matter seriously. Try to talk to them openly, honestly, and maturely. If your child asks, "Is it wrong if I lie so that I don't hurt my friend's feelings?" for example, let them know, "It's important to tell the truth, even when it's hard. Lying might make your friend feel better now, but it will hurt their feelings later on." If your child questions a value you have taught from a young age, try to stay calm about it. These discussions will be difficult, and you may not have all the answers. Remember that it's alright to say, "I don't know the answer to that. How about we work on it together?" Remember that your child rejecting some values doesn't mean that they are a bad kid. If, for example, your child starts questioning your religion but still practices compassion and kindness, you don't need to punish them or correct their behavior. Let your child come up with their own values as they learn and grow.
Incorporate values into daily conversation. The more often you talk about the beliefs and values you want to pass down, the more common those values will seem. Try to incorporate discussion about values into your daily conversations with your kid. For example, if your child tells you a story about what one of their friends did in class that day, you can ask them, “How did Emily feel when she did that?” Emily's action don't have to be negative or have bad consequences. Encouraging your child to consider others' feelings in everyday actions and in daily life will help make them more aware and encourage them to practice empathy.
Avoid lecturing. Discussing values is important, but lecturing your kids about right and wrong won't help them in the long run. When you talk at your kids, they are likely to either tune out or learn to parrot back what you want to hear. Try to teach through example as much as possible, and follow those examples up with strong dialogue that encourages your child to think and participate. When your child does something wrong, don't lecture them about why the action didn't demonstrate strong values. Instead, wait until both you and your child have calmed down. Then, talk to about how you would prefer to see your child demonstrate good values in the future.
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