How to Use Reverse Psychology

• Start by presenting the other person with their options, but don’t tell them which one you prefer.
• Argue against the option you actually want. Act uncertain, or tell the person you don’t think they’d want it, or are capable of doing it.
• Tell the other person that whatever they do, it’s their choice, to give them the autonomy to make a decision and dodge suspicion.

Using Reverse Psychology

Start by presenting an option that you want. This is probably the thing the person would normally resist and may initially scoff at, like a kid who doesn’t want to eat their asparagus. Make sure the person is aware of the option at hand, without pushing them that direction just yet. For example, say you're deciding between 2 parties to attend. Your friend is a film fanatic, and their group of friends are having a movie night. You're more of a board game person, and another group of friends is having a game night. Make your friend aware of the option you want. Say something like, "Did you hear Madison and Emily are doing that board game night? Kind of boring, if you ask me."

Drop subtle hints that make the option you want more enticing. You might tell them that you’re not convinced yourself, and need help choosing. Then, plant in the person’s head some positive outcomes of what might happen if they choose your option. Again, it’s important not to seem too enthusiastic. For example, casually mention some fun board games that will be played at the event, or bring up who else is going, or other things, like, "Madison always has the best selection of wine at her place." Or, use nonverbal cues, like playing a game of cards with your friend a few days before the event, letting them see for themself how much fun games can be.

Discourage or argue against the option you want. Once the person is hooked, become slightly argumentative. This makes your friend naturally push for the option you want. One common strategy is to suggest that they’re not ready for it, like, “These games might be a little too hard for you, though…” Or, say something like, "Well, we can go to Madison and Emily's, or that movie night. What do you think? I think Madison and Emily's thing may be a tad boring." If they’re still ambivalent, be more overt. Say something like, "We can always go to Madison and Emily's another time."

Push the person to make a decision. To close the negotiating process, push the person to make a decision. This makes them think they're making their own choice, without your influence. Ask them politely what they want to do, and wait for a response. Hopefully, the person will go for the option you were vying for. Say something like, "So, we can go to Madison and Emily's, or the movie night. What do you think? It's your decision." This also pressures the person to make a more urgent decision, and they might yield to your choice under that pressure.

Why does reverse psychology work?

Reverse psychology takes advantage of natural defiance. People generally don’t love being told what to do, so when they think they’re being influenced or manipulated, they’re likely to go the other direction simply to prove their freedom and autonomy. Reverse psychology is a way of using this impulse to one’s advantage. This impulse is sometimes called “reactivity” or “strategic self-anticonformity.”

Making Sure Reverse Psychology Is Effective

Make sure your target is susceptible to suggestion. Not everyone responds well to reverse psychology. People who tend to be more compliant may respond better to direct requests, while people who like to argue are better targets for reverse psychology strategies.Tip: Keep this in mind if you plan on using reverse psychology on children. If you have a child that tends to be stubborn, they will be far more likely to respond to reverse psychology than an agreeable child. Think about the interactions you've had with the person in question. Do they tend to go along with the flow of things, or do they tend to resist? If you know someone who is a more independent thinker, and likes to resist the status quo, this person may be more susceptible to reverse psychology than a person who's generally agreeable.

Use reverse psychology in low-stakes, lighthearted situations. Reverse psychology should be a fun game, or even a joke. This is especially true when using the technique on very young children. Try to use it as a means to make someone think they're outsmarting you, or to teach a lesson. For example, you might explain to a child that he's too young to make his bed on his own and needs help. Later, you may find he's already started on his own, as he wants to prove his autonomy.

Change your strategy according to what the other person wants. If someone's desire to do something outweighs their urge to resist, classic reverse psychology may backfire, since they’ll do the thing anyway. For example, say your friend really wants to attend a concert in a bad part of town. If you say, "You're right. You should go!" your friend may wholeheartedly agree. Instead, try arguing against yourself in these cases, rather than the choice at hand. Say, "I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I'm pretty sure this part of town is dangerous, but only you can decide what's best for you." You're encouraging your friend to think for themselves here. If your friend is naturally resistant, they may instead yield to your advice rather than thinking for themselves.

Keep your end goal in mind to avoid confusing yourself. Remind yourself periodically what you want the person to do. Occasionally, things can get argumentative when you use reverse psychology. It's easy to lose track of your own wants during an argument—and reverse psychology can even work on yourself!

Using Reverse Psychology Responsibly

Use reverse psychology only once in a while. Reverse psychology can work great in certain situations. However, keep in mind that, yes, it is a subtle form of manipulation. Using reverse psychology habitually can be incredibly damaging to relationships and erode other people’s trust in you.Note: Use reverse psychology only in low-stakes situations. For example, you can use this tactic when you and your spouse are deciding which movie to see, but not every time you see a movie, however, to let your partner have their own say. Constant reverse psychology can indicate an unwillingness to compromise. That constant manipulation and lack of compromise can be a huge red flag in any relationship. Also, the other person might learn that they’re rewarded for opposing you, which can cause rifts in the relationship.

Stop using reverse psychology if it frustrates the other person. There’s always a chance your target might pick up on the strategy and become agitated. If this happens, apologize and drop the tactic, using more transparent and straightforward methods, instead. Manipulating other people while they’re under stress is never okay, even in lighthearted situations. Stay calm and cool yourself to avoid suspicion and make your strategy more effective.

Avoid using reverse psychology in serious situations. There are certain situations where reverse psychology is likely to backfire, and the consequences can be serious. Always refrain from using reverse psychology when someone's health and wellbeing is at stake. For example, say your friend is chronically afraid of doctors. They have a suspicious mole growing on their shoulder and is resistant to getting it checked out. Do not say, "You're right. Do not go to the doctor." Your friend's fear of doctors may greatly outweigh their need to resist, and you may reinforce a dangerous behavior.

Signs Someone is Using Reverse Psychology

They won’t say what they want directly. Reverse psychology requires a little finesse and dancing around the point, as the person using it tries to nudge you one way or another. If someone won’t come right out and say what they want and why, you might be dealing with a little manipulation.

They challenge your own ability or desire to do something. A common tactic of reverse psychology is telling someone they’re not able to do something, or doubting their resolve, to make them “prove” otherwise. If someone challenges you this way, don’t fall for it! For example, a parent might say, “Oh, you’re not ready for vegetables like carrots,” to convince their child to eat the carrot and “prove” they’re old enough for it.

They have something to gain from the discussion. Ultimately, reverse psychology is a manipulation tactic (even if it’s often harmless) that people use to get their way. Ask yourself if the other person stands to gain something by getting you to do what you don’t really want to. They might have other motivations. For example, you might be headed to Party A, but they want to go to Party B to see someone they like, and so try to sway you in that direction with reverse psychology.

What they want doesn’t match up to what you know about them. Reverse psychology hinges on arguing against what you really want. It’s easy to spot when someone’s argument doesn’t match up with what you already know they want for a fact. These inconsistencies can help you spot it a mile away. For example, if your friend has talked in the past about wanting to see a certain movie, but now they keep hinting that it’s not worth your time, they may be trying to influence you.

Responding to Reverse Psychology

Ask them to explain why they want what they say they want. If they’re using reverse psychology and arguing for something they don’t actually want in the hopes you’ll go the other way, it can be easy to make them falter. Ask them to explain their position, and listen for any inconsistencies. Their argument might not make much sense when you really think about it. For example, if they’re arguing in favor of chocolate ice cream when you know they prefer vanilla, say that! They might start to backpedal.

Pick the choice you originally wanted anyway. When in doubt, rewind to the start of the conversation and tell them you’re doing what you originally set out to do. They may learn that reverse psychology doesn’t work on you, and give it up in the future.

Let them know that you know what they’re doing. If you’re certain they’re trying to use reverse psychology on you, reveal that you know. If they know that you know how it works, they’re less likely to try it on you moving forward. That said, watch out for reverse-reverse psychology, which is when someone uses your own knowledge of the strategy to pretend they’re not doing it. With reverse-reverse psychology, someone wants you to think they’re doing reverse psychology to make you pick the option you think they don’t want you to do. Tricky!