- Opposites sometimes attract, especially in the early stages of attraction: someone with opposite traits may seem more exciting or interesting, or they may seem “forbidden.”
- However, similarities tend to make a relationship more sustainable, especially when it comes to important things like values, goals, and ethics.
- Couples with shared values and goals and different, but complementary, personalities may be more likely to have a successful long-term relationship.
Do opposites really attract?
Sometimes, but shared values and goals make a relationship more sustainable. Opposites may be more attractive on a superficial level or at the start of a relationship: someone with opposite traits may seem more exciting or interesting, or they may be attractive because they seem “forbidden.” However, many studies indicate that while superficial differences may make a relationship more exciting, it’s typically shared values, goals, and ethics that solidify a couple’s bond for the long haul. In long-term relationships, different but complementary personalities may actually be an asset, as sociologist Robert Francis Winch determined in a 1950s study. By "complementary personalities," we mean one person's traits challenge their partner in a positive way, "make up" for a quality their partner might lack, or enhance their partner's opposite quality. People may also be subconsciously drawn to partners with similar physical features.
Benefits of Dating Your Opposite
You learn to compromise. Relationships always require sacrifice, even if you’re dating someone exactly like you (and how boring would that be?). But the more different your partner is, the more likely you are to have to learn how to compromise. If this sounds like a downside, it can be—but it’s also a great opportunity to grow and cultivate character. Being able to drop your shields and find common ground is never a weakness.
You become more patient and empathetic. Similar to the above, when you’re with someone who just views the world totally differently from how you see it, you’re kind of forced to develop some patience, tolerance, and understanding. These are valuable skills, ones that’ll continue to serve you even if the relationship fizzles out (which it’s statistically likely to do).
It’s a good opportunity to learn about different perspectives. Dating someone with a different view of the world may be tough, but it’s a challenge that’s likely to leave you with a greater understanding of how and why other people think and operate the way they do. For instance, you may have once wondered how anyone could possibly hold certain political views, but by regularly talking to someone with a different perspective, you’re likely to expand your mind a little—even if you don’t change your own views.
It’s exciting. Let’s face it: newness is exhilarating. You may not want to ride a roller coaster all day long, but for those few minutes, it’s a thrill. In the same way, dating your total opposite may not work out long-term, but that doesn’t mean it’s not very exciting while it lasts. And who knows? Even if, statistically, like goes with like, your relationship may be one of the rare exceptions, like “Beauty and the Beast.”
Downsides to Dating Your Opposite
It’s often not sustainable. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, the bad news is that dating your total opposite is likely to end in heartbreak. That doesn’t mean it will, and a relationship isn’t pointless or meaningless just because it doesn’t last. However, it’s something to be aware of going in.
There’s greater potential for disagreements. The more different you are, the more likely you are to argue, no matter how much you care about each other. This can be a major drain on your time and energy, as well as your mood. The more often you fight, the greater the distance between you will grow, which may contribute to contempt and criticism—two of psychologist John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen, or signs that predict a breakup.
You might have widely differing lifestyles and goals. When it comes down to it, if you and your partner are so different that you don’t share a similar vision of the future, it’s almost inevitable that your relationship will expire. This doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it to date someone with different goals—it can still be a meaningful experience. But if you’re looking for someone for the long haul, the experts suggest aiming for someone with a similar lifestyle and shared goals.
What contributes to attraction?
Shared values, ethics, and beliefs When it comes to ethics and values, including political views, like tends to go with like. Numerous studies have indicated that people are drawn to those with similar attitudes and perceive them as more intelligent, moral, and informed than those who have different attitudes. Specifically, people tend to pair off with partners (and friends) with shared views on abortion, gay marriage, religion, and the government’s role in citizens’ lives.
Complementary personalities Some studies indicate people may be drawn to partners with complementary personalities. When it comes to the “big 5” personality traits, also known as OCEAN—openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism—couples may benefit from lower similarity levels. For instance, a dominant person is likely to clash with an equally dominant partner, and an introverted person may benefit from having a more outgoing partner. This being said, other studies suggest it may not always be true that people seek a partner with complementary personality traits, and that many people may gravitate towards partners with the same personality as them. Some people are also just more attracted to certain personalities, whether they’re the same, different, or complementary.
Newness and excitement There's a reason that, opposites or not, the beginning of a relationship is usually the most thrilling part: everything is new and exciting and interesting, and even if you ultimately discover you have a lot in common (or you realize you don't have enough in common), those early stages are full of discovery and enchantment. When you first meet someone you're into, you experience a boost in PEA (or phenylethylamine), which releases dopamine and norepinephrine, the "feel-good" neurochemicals behind lust and the feeling of being in love. As you continue to get to know your partner and build a life together, that sense of newness will likely fade into a deeper, more abiding love, but couples can still bring back the "spark" by spicing things up in bed or trying new things together.
Attachment styles According to attachment theory, our relationships formed in our early years (often with parents) can affect how we attach to romantic partners as an adult. Babies whose caregivers were present, reliable, and comforting tend to have more stable relationships later on. On the other hand, babies whose caregivers were not reliable or attentive are more likely to have trouble forming healthy relationships as adults. There are 4 basic attachment styles: Secure attachment: People with a secure attachment style were raised with reliable caregivers, and therefore as adults, they're more likely to be attracted to people with secure attachment styles. Anxious attachment: People with anxious attachment styles were raised with inconsistent caregivers and may therefore grow up to be more needy and mistrustful in relationships. They may be subconsciously drawn to partners with avoidant attachment styles. Avoidant attachment: These ultra-independent "lone wolves" likely were raised in a home with dismissive caregivers, and they grew up learning that they can't rely on others. Avoidant people tend to be attracted to anxiously attached partners. Disorganized attachment: This type of attachment is usually formed during an especially tumultuous or traumatic childhood in which the person had an erratic or confusing relationship with their caregiver. People with a disorganized style tend to crave close relationships, but push people away when they get too close.
Similar backgrounds When it comes to certain identity markers and backgrounds, such as age, intelligence, education, and religion, birds of a feather tend to flock together. In fact, having these basic traits in common may help couples from different cultures or races forge a deeper connection. According to the dating site eHarmony, this rings true: couples may initially be drawn together over their opposites, but it’s their similarities that keep them together for the long haul.
Pheromones According to research, certain people may be biologically attracted to one another based on their pheromones, a chemical secreted in sweat. It’s been debated whether or not pheromone-based attraction is a thing in humans, since pheromones have only been proven in animals, but the research increasingly seems to suggest it’s no myth: you can, indeed, pick up a hottie—maybe even your soulmate—with your scent. While some people wear fragrances in an attempt to be more attractive or alluring, science suggests it's still your specific bodily scent mingling with the fragrance that makes it alluring or not: the same fragrance applied to another person's body will smell slightly differently.
Kindness Physical appearance may have an effect on whether or not you catch a cutie’s eye at the bar, but whether you’re smiling and being friendly or come off sour or negative can make all the difference. Being kind, honest, and positive has been shown to increase attractiveness.
Final Thoughts
Dissimilar people can still enjoy a meaningful and long-lasting relationship. While core similarities are often the most essential element of a happy long-term match, this doesn't mean you're destined to be miserable if you date someone who's your total opposite, so don't be afraid to take a chance on someone just because they seem like a mismatch at first glance. People with different viewpoints and personalities can challenge you, excite you, and get you out of your comfort zone—and it's also possible you'll eventually realize you're more alike than you initially thought!
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