How long should I date someone before committing?
It depends on how often you see them and how intense it is. There is no “one size fits all” rule here. If you date someone once a week, you’ll get to know them intimately a whole lot faster than if you two dated once a month. If you’re seeing your date every other day or so, you might be comfortable committing in a week! Alternatively, it might take a few months if you only occasionally hang. Don’t worry about fulfilling any kind of time requirement before making it official with a person you’ve been dating. If you like them and you’re comfortable with it, do it!
Around 1-3 months is considered “normal” for most couples. If you’ve been dating someone for a week or two and you’re wondering when most couples have the exclusivity talk, don’t worry. Many long-term couples made it official after a few months of casual dating. It’s perfectly fine to pull the trigger earlier if you’re both on board, though. If you two have been friends for a while, or you’ve been casually hooking up, you already know each other well enough to make a decision ASAP. Don’t force yourselves to casually date if you’re both already on board with a relationship. If it has been more than 4-6 months, it may be a red flag. It’s worth discussing what’s going on if you want this to move forward.
Most folks need 5-6 dates to make it official. Every couple is different, but if you’ve gone on 3-4 dates and you’re worried that you aren’t official yet, don’t worry. Most couples go on 5-6 dates before they start discussing a relationship, and some take even longer. Don’t sweat it if you’re a few dates in. This lines up with the 1- to 3-month timeline for most folks. That’s 1 date every weekend on the fast side, and 1 date every 2-3 weeks or so on the longer side. After 6 dates, you should start to form an impression of whether there’s anything here or not. If you still can’t tell, it’s okay to keep dating, but try to identify whether you want a relationship with this person or not.
Signs You’re Ready to Make the Relationship Official
You’ve talked about your future together casually. This signals that both of you are at least thinking about seeing where this can go, which is a huge sign you’re ready for a relationship. If this were just a quick fling, the two of you would never mention future plans, hopes, or dreams that involve the other person. This might include phrases like, “We should go to the beach next summer,” or, “Would you want to take a road trip in a few months?”
You’ve met each other’s friends. If you’re enmeshed in one another’s social lives, it’s a major sign that the two of you are ready to make things official. People who are just causally dating don’t bring their flings around their friends, and the fact that you’re both comfortable with bringing them around is important. If your friends really like your significant other, it’s a good sign as well. They’d probably let you know if they thought you were making a huge mistake.
Your time together has been intimate and meaningful. Conversation with a quick fling is usually superficial. If you two have discussed deeper values, painful memories, or important beliefs, it’s a signal that you’re developing a strong, emotional bond. If you want a fulfilling relationship, this is a sign you’re on the right path. If you’ve ever stayed up way past your bed time talking to them, or you get so lost in conversation
You’re both emotionally available. If nobody is dealing with some unresolved feelings for an ex, neither of you are seriously dating any other partners, and there’s no trauma either of you are working through, you’re both ready to date. If there are any issues you two need to work through first, it’s best to let those wounds heal before starting a new relationship. Starting a relationship before you (or your partner) are emotionally ready for it can create issues early on. Don’t rush things if you aren’t ready.
You can’t picture yourself being with anyone else. The most important factor here is how you feel. If you enjoy spending time with the person you’ve been dated, you want to be in a relationship, and you envision a future together, the time is now. If you don’t feel like the time is right to commit, don’t. And don’t feel bad about that, either. Even if your date wants to make it official, you should be 100% on board with it.
Having the “Official” Talk
Do this face-to-face when you’re both happy and calm. Doing this over the phone or via text can be rough, since you won’t be able to interpret their body language. Pick a time when you’re in a good place as a couple. You might do this after a good date, or while you’re both relaxing and cuddling on the couch.
Ask them if you can have a conversation about making it official. Take a deep breath and ask them if you can talk. Then, ask them if it’s okay to discuss the nature of your relationship. Don’t worry—you already know they like you, so you have nothing to worry about. You could say, “Hey, I’d like to talk about our relationship, if that’s okay? Nothing bad, I promise! I just want to know where you see us going and if you’re interested in making it official.” Alternatively, you can just come right out and say, “I’m sorry if this is a bit forward, but do you want to be my boyfriend/girlfriend?” If you don’t feel comfortable having this conversation, it may be a sign that you aren’t quite ready to move on.
Define the relationship if they’re on board with being a couple. If they like you, you like them, and they’re interested in being an exclusive couple, define it just to make sure you both mean the same thing. This way, there’s no confusion regarding what you are. A lot of people don’t do this, but it’s important to make things clear. You might say, “So you’ll be my boyfriend/girlfriend?” or, “I’m going to be your boyfriend/girlfriend? It’s official?” Make sure you’re exclusive by clarifying what a “relationship” means to you. You might ask, “I have no interest in dating anyone else. Do you feel the same way? I just want make sure we’re on the same page about not seeing other people.”
If they seem resistant, either cut ties or keep casually dating. If the “official” talk doesn’t go the way you want it to, take a deep breath. If you’re comfortable continuing to date and giving the relationship space to breathe, tell them. If you think you’re ready for something serious and this has run its course, say so. Whatever you choose to do, your decision is valid. If you’re okay to keep dating and you don’t mind waiting for them to meet you where you’re at, you might say, “That’s okay, I get it. I’m fine with keeping things casual if you are.” If you really want to be exclusive and move things forward, you might say, “I understand how you feel, but I really think we’re looking for different things.” It’s also okay to just say, “I need some time to think. I’m not angry or anything, but let me process how I feel.”
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