Give each other time and space.
You’ll both need time to heal after a bad breakup. There’s a good chance you’ll both be feeling some hurt, confusion, and resentment for a while after you split. Before you approach your ex about being friends, take some time apart. It might even be wise to cut off contact completely for a few months, it that’s an option. If you follow them on social media, unfollow or unfriend them for a while. If you’re not constantly reminded of them and the pain of the breakup, it will be easier to heal and start feeling better. There’s no magic formula for knowing when it’s time to get in touch again. Do some soul-searching and ask yourself how you’re feeling about things. There’s also a chance your ex will need more time than you do, or vice versa—and that’s totally okay.
Apologize to each other.
A sincere apology can help you both heal. If you and your ex had a bad breakup, there are bound to be hurt feelings on both sides. Your friendship will have a much better chance of working if you acknowledge your role in what went wrong. Apologize to your ex in person next time you meet, or write your feelings down in a letter or email. If your ex did anything really hurtful to you, they should also apologize—you shouldn’t be the only one making an effort! Your apology will have the most impact if you: Tell your ex how you feel. Say something like, “I’m so sorry for how my actions hurt you,” or “I really regret the way I behaved.” Acknowledge what you did and the impact it had. For instance, you could say, “I know I wasn’t always there for you, and that really hurt your feelings.” Let them know how you plan to make things right. This could be as simple as saying something like, “I’m learning to be a better listener” or “I’m done with losing my temper like that. I’ve started learning some anger management skills.”
Work on forgiving your ex.
Letting go of resentment will make friendship easier. Start by acknowledging how your ex hurt you and how you feel about it. It’s okay to have those feelings—focus on accepting them instead of pushing them away. Then, try to look at your ex empathetically. What kinds of painful experiences in their life might have contributed to their behavior? Finally, think about what you have learned from your experiences with them and how you can grow from that knowledge going forward. Forgiving your ex doesn’t mean excusing or condoning the bad things they did. It just means letting go of resentment and accepting what happened so you can move on. For example, if your ex cheated on you, you might say to yourself, “That was a real betrayal of my trust, and I still feel hurt and upset about it. I can’t excuse what happened, but I recognize that they were dealing with their insecurity in unhealthy ways. In the future, I’ll be more aware of the red flags that my partner is being unfaithful.” Avoid bringing up things that your ex did in the past or fixating on whose fault it was that your relationship fell apart. Focusing on blame and resentment will make it very hard to have a healthy friendship.
Ask your ex if they want to stay friends.
Send your ex a message or give them a call. Say something like, “Hey, I know we left things on a bad note, but I want you to know I still really care about you. Do you think we could still be friends?” Be clear about your expectations—make sure they understand that you’re interested in a friendship, not in rekindling the romance. If you’re worried that they might get the wrong impression, say something like, “We don’t really work as a couple, but I think we could be good friends. Is it okay if we still keep in touch?” Be careful not to assume that your ex is interested in friendship. Being rejected a second time after a rough breakup can be really painful, but it’s important to respect their answer and not be pushy if they say “no.”
Set healthy boundaries.
Agree on some ground rules for your friendship. These might include things like promising not to talk every day or agreeing that sex is off-limits. These boundaries will help you define your friendship and keep you from falling into the same old patterns that caused your relationship to blow up in the first place. Expect your ex to respect your boundaries, and try to do the same for them. It’s okay if one of you slips up now and then, but whoever messed up should apologize and make a sincere effort not to do it again. Set some clear consequences for your ex if they cross your boundaries, and do your best to follow through on them. For example, “Hey, remember how we agreed we wouldn’t talk about old fights when we spend time together? If this stuff keeps coming up, we’re going to need to take a break from hanging out for a few weeks.”
Take it slow.
You and your ex will have lots of complicated feelings to work through. Don’t jump right into spending a ton of time together. You’ll both still need space to process things, and hanging out too much right away could open up old wounds. Keep your contact casual at first, and try to space out how often you meet or contact each other. For instance, you might start by just texting each other once a week or getting together for lunch every couple of months. Spending too much time together right away could also make it harder to draw clear boundaries between your new friendship and your old romantic relationship.
Communicate openly and honestly.
Good communication is key in any friendship. Be open with your ex about how you’re feeling and what’s on your mind. At the same time, be an active listener and make an effort to really absorb and understand what they’re saying to you. When you’re talking to your ex, do your best to: Listen to what they’re saying without interrupting, judging, or planning how to respond. Ask questions about how they’re doing and show a genuine interest in their answers. Be honest and assertive about your own wants and needs. For example, you might say things like, “I’m feeling a little bit down about what happened between us. I think I need space for a few days.” Recognize and validate their thoughts and feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. For instance, “I understand you’re a bit upset that I didn’t call you yesterday. I just got really busy with work. Next time I’ll send you a text if something comes up on a day when we were planning to chat.”
Check your feelings about the friendship.
Ask yourself if the relationship is improving your life. If being friends with your ex is causing you a lot of stress, or if you’re constantly struggling to get along and respect each other’s boundaries, stop and reassess. You might ultimately decide that it’s better to let go and move on from the friendship—and that’s totally okay! If you’re feeling conflicted, ask yourself why you still want to be friends with them. If you realize that you’re only staying in touch because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, for example, then it might be time to consider moving on. If your ex has a history of abusive or manipulative behavior, or if they consistently refuse to respect your boundaries, it’s best to cut off contact. This can be really hard to do, but remember that you’ll ultimately be better off without them in your life.
Focus on other areas of your life.
A healthy friendship allows room for other things. And whether or not you end up staying friends after the breakup, working on other aspects of your life is an important part of healing. As you move on from the pain of the breakup, focus on spending time with other friends and family, doing things you enjoy, and caring for your health. If you and your ex are hanging out a lot as friends, make an effort to intentionally schedule time apart from them. For example, you might go to the movies with another friend, go for walks by yourself, or sign up for a class and try to meet new people who share your interests. When you’ve been wrapped up in a romantic relationship for a long time, it can take a while to figure out who you are when you’re on your own. Embrace the chance to learn more about who you are and what’s really important to you.
Go your separate ways if it isn’t working out.
Sometimes friendship isn’t possible, and that’s okay. Staying friends with an ex takes a lot of patience and effort, and you both have to work really hard at it. Maybe there’s a lot of unresolved hurt and resentment, or you’ve grown apart enough that you don’t have much in common anymore. If it’s just not working, sit down and have an honest talk with your ex. Let them know that you don’t feel that the friendship can continue. Say something like, “I’ll always care about you, but I just don’t think we can make this friendship work. I still feel really hurt by what happened in our past, and I think it will be better for both of us if we move on.” It might also be a good idea to step back from the friendship if you feel that it’s holding you back from other things—like starting a new romantic relationship.
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