How to Be Less Whiny

Overcoming Whining as a Kid

Ask what you want in a polite, normal voice. If your parents or other adults hear whining, they may often shut down with a firm “no” or even ignore you. Try asking whatever you want in your normal voice and make sure you’re polite about it. You may find that this gets you much farther in your request than whining to the adult. Make sure to use your usual voice or even try a whisper if that helps you. Say, “Mom, there is something I’d like to ask you. Can I do that now?” or “Mrs. Smith, may I please play with those colored pencils?” Avoid asking for something if you’re upset. Give yourself a couple of minutes to calm down and then ask in your normal voice.

Accept decisions when you get them. If you ask politely for something and are told “no,” thank the person for listening and accept the decision. This might be difficult for you, but it may help you get what you want in the long run. Tell the person, “Ok, thank you” and walk away from the situation. Revisit your questions either later in the day or at a time when it seems more appropriate.

Start a whine jar. If whining is a big problem for you, consider having a jar or box that you pay money into each time you whine. Then donate the money to a charity or something else you want, such as your school. Seeing your money go into a pot that you can’t spend on yourself may help you stop whining. Let your parents know what you are doing. Tell them to say, “Go put 25 cents in the jar” whenever you whine. Consider asking your teacher to start a whine jar for your whole class. You can use that money to buy supplies for the classroom or donate money to a charitable cause you choose as a class.

Find alternatives to whining. Chances are you are whining about something specific, such as you’re out of bananas at home or there aren’t any volleyballs available in gym class. Instead of whining about these to your parent or another adult, acknowledge the problem and then find a solution as well as an alternative activity. Figure out how you can overcome the problem quickly. For example, if you don’t have any bananas at home, tell your mom, “I’m going to put them on our shopping list and have an apple instead.” Distract yourself entirely if needed. For example, if you really wanted to play volleyball but can’t find one, consider improvising by throwing a soft rubber ball against a wall.

Point out when your parents whine. Everyone—including your parents-- whines occasionally and that is ok. But if your parents whine a lot, you may find that this affects your behavior, too. Telling your mom or dad when he or she whines may help you stop whining around them so often. Make sure to be polite and nice when you’re pointing out your parents’ whining so they don’t get mad. You could say, “Mom, please don’t whine when you ask me to take out the dog. I need to finish this math problem and then I’ll do it.” Consider asking your parents to contribute to the whine jar. You could donate the proceeds or use it towards a family fun day.

Avoiding Typical Tactics of Adult Whiners

Watch your voice inflections. In many cases, what others perceive as whining is just how you’re speaking to get the person’s attention. Actively listening to yourself in situations that might cause you to whine can keep you from doing so. In addition, it might help you get what you want. Try and use sentences instead of words, which may naturally help you keep your voice inflections within a normal range. Instead of saying, “Please,” you can say, “Would you please do this for me? It would be a huge help.” This can prevent the person to whom you are talking from shutting down completely and get him or her to listen to you. Remove yourself from a situation if you don’t think you can control your voice. Come back to your statement once you’ve had a chance to calm down.

Be aware of your eyes and face, too. Just like your voice, your face and eyes are mirrors of your feelings and emotions. Consider your expressions when you’re making a statement that would otherwise be whining. Trying to be genuine in your voice inflections can also change the expressions in your face and eyes. Try giving a small smile when you’re talking so that your words, face, and eyes follow suit. For example, if your wife or husband is going away again, say, “I love you so much and love spending time together. It would be nice if you could give me a bit more notice when you’re traveling so I can prepare myself to be alone for a few days.” Visualize yourself saying this in a non-whiny tone with a neutral face. If you need to, look elsewhere so that the person to whom you are speaking doesn’t think you’re pointing daggers out of your eyes.

Steer clear of wearing people down with your whining. Like children, many adults will whine continuously to wear down another person. In many cases, this is a very effective tactic because the person doesn’t want to listen to you whine any longer. If you need to make a whiny comment, say it once and then move on. Not doing so may result in you angering the other person and hurting your reputation. Make your request or statement only once. Any more and you’re indulging in the behavior of a child—and you’re not a child, nor do you want others to think you are. Part of being an adult is accepting that you can’t always have things exactly your way. For example, say, “Can you please take me off the project? I can’t handle working with Alex,” or “Oof, I just don’t want to work with Alex on this.” Accept whatever comes after your statement and move on to whatever you need to do. Consider finding something to distract yourself if you feel the need to harangue someone with whining to get your way.

Stop guilt tripping people. Another common tactic whiners use to get their way is the guilt trip—done in a whiny voice. Guilt is another form of aggression, which is something you want to avoid with people. If you commonly guilt-trip people into getting your way, take a step back before making statements that may make another person feel guilty. This can ultimately stop you from using whiny guilt trips to get your way. Use open communication with a person instead of a guilt trip. Keep in mind that this is more constructive and can save your relationship with the person instead of ultimately upsetting him or her. For example, say, “I appreciate the assignment and am excited to participate in the project. But I am concerned that the poor working relationship Chris and I have may have an affect on the overall project. Can you suggest a way to get around this?” This statement sounds much better than, “Ugh, can you take me off of this project. I won’t be able to concentrate or function if I have to work with Chris.”

Win people over with honey, not vinegar. There is an old truism that holds “You win a lot more bees with honey than vinegar.” Kindness breeds kindness just as much as being whiny or nasty breeds nastiness. Remembering these simple facts can help you keep your interactions as positive and kind as possible. This may keep you from whining to those you love or with whom you work and create a more positive environment for everyone.

Welcoming Positivity

Identify things that cause you to whine. You may find that you consistently whine about the same things. Friends, colleagues, lack of finances, and many other things may irritate or annoy you, causing you to complain. Recognizing sources of negativity can help start making positive change. Write a list of things that cause you to whine. You could even ask a trusted friend or family member if they notice that you complain about something a lot. Go over your list and figure out things you can change. For example, you can reframe or eliminate relationships that make you whine a lot. Ask yourself, “What is it about Chris that causes me to moan and complain so often? If I limit my exposure to him will it help me complain less?”

Focus on the positive. Whining and complaining can be draining. Being happy and positive is often invigorating. Finding the positive in anything can help you whine less. Remember that even in the most whine-inducing situation, there is likely something positive. For example, maybe your colleague opted to teach the same course so you got stuck with a large class. Instead of complaining about what a lazy loser the person is, say to yourself, “Other colleagues realize that Chris is not carrying his weight in courses. Thankfully, they realize I’m putting forth a huge effort.”

Keep expectations realistic. There are many things that may cause you to complain from sticking to your goals to how you interact with others. It’s important to remember to keep your expectations realistic, such as what you can easily do in a typical workday. This can also reduces stress that may cause you to be more whiny. See if your expectations are realistic by looking at the plan you’ve developed. For example, depending on how much you make, you may not be able to save $100 every month. But you may be able to save $50 every month, which is still saving. Remember to give yourself a little wiggle room. Accepting that you and others are not perfect can help you complain less and attain your goals.

Keep moving forward. You’ll occasionally need to whine or vent. This is completely normal and acceptable, but acknowledge the problem, vent, and then let it go. This can keep you positive and help you not dwell on something that may make you complain too often.

Volunteer with the less fortunate. Reminding yourself that many others are less fortunate can do wonders for you. It can put things that make you whine into broader perspective and realize that your concerns are not as significant as others’. It may also keep you from dwelling on things that make you whine. Offer to volunteer at a health facility or organization that helps the less fortunate. Recognizing that you really don’t have anything about which to complain can help you focus on the positive. Even giving your support to friends and family members who are struggling can help you whine less.