- Immediately after the breakup, focus on allowing yourself to feel all your emotions. Writing in a journal or expressing yourself creatively can help you process.
- Try your best not to text or call your ex, and disconnect with them on social media. This will allow you the space to actually move on.
- Connect with loved ones, learn new things, try out new hobbies, and show yourself self-love as you work on healing and moving forward.
Coping with the Grief
Accept that the pain is normal. As an old song says, “Breaking up is hard to do.” Scientists have even shown that romantic rejection activates the same pathways in the brain that physical pain does. Don’t beat yourself up for being sad. It hurts when you break up with someone, and it’s completely natural to feel upset about it! Some psychologists estimate that about 98% of us have experienced some form of unrequited love, whether it’s an unreturned crush or a nasty breakup. Knowing that you’re not alone probably won’t heal your broken heart, but it could make the pain easier to bear.
Let yourself feel all your emotions. Don’t pretend you’re fine. Denying or minimizing your emotions can actually make them worse in the long run. Don’t tell yourself that it’s no big deal, or force yourself to move on before you’re ready. It’s okay to be sad! And, before moving past your emotions, you’ll have to process them. Cry your eyes out if you need to. Crying is a cathartic practice that can actually reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, and anger. Express your emotions through creative pursuits, like art or music. Write a song about how you feel, or draw a picture of your emotional state. This helps you understand and process your feelings. Listen to music that comforts you or makes you feel seen. Just try to stay away from songs that are too sad or angry (think death metal), as they may actually increase these feelings.
Write about your feelings. The first step to coping with post-breakup loneliness is taking some time for introspection and reflection. Expressing how you feel in writing, rather than bottling it all up, can help you accept and understand your emotions so you can move forward. Take 20 minutes to let loose and write freely about how you feel. Reflect on your experience of the relationship, how you feel in the aftermath, and what your worries are for the future. Afterwards, examine what you wrote. Keep an eye out for any distortions in your thought process that might be unfair to you. For example, look for global, definitive statements, such as “I’m going to be alone forever,” or “No one will ever love me again.” If you notice these patterns in your writing, point them out, and try to restructure your thinking. For example, instead of thinking “This breakup is ruining my life,” tell yourself, “This breakup hurts really bad right now, but it’s only one part of my life.” Or, instead of thinking, “This is all my fault. I should have done everything differently,” shift this to, “I did the best I could at the time, and that’s enough.” Taylor Swift Taylor Swift, Singer & Businesswoman Songwriting can be a useful coping mechanism. "I've never thought about songwriting as a weapon. I've only thought about it as a way to help me get through love and loss and sadness and loneliness and growing up."
Repeat positive affirmations to yourself. Breakups can really do a number on your self-confidence. The next time you have negative thoughts about yourself stemming from your breakup, challenge them with self-love affirmations. This will remind you that you’re a worthy, lovable person who has a lot to offer the right partner. Here are some examples: I am worth love and care, and there are people who recognize that I’m upset right now, but it won’t last forever Part of my pain is caused by brain chemistry, which I can’t control My thoughts and feelings are not facts I love and honor myself
List your positive attributes. Breakups can cause you to doubt your self-worth. It’s important to remind yourself of all the amazing things that make you who you are. Plus, studies show that when you remind yourself that you’re worth loving, you handle rejection better. So go ahead and write down a list of all the cool, unique, and interesting things about yourself! When you’re feeling down, whip out that list and remind yourself that you’re a remarkable person. Do you paint, write music, dance, cook gourmet meals? List your skills to remind yourself that you’re strong and capable. Do you have a killer smile? A fantastic fashion sense? Remind yourself that you have plenty to offer the world. Think about the compliments others have paid you, too. Do friends tell you how supportive and caring you are, or that you’re the life of the party? Listing these things will remind you that others see your value, too!
Rely on your network for support. When you break up with someone, it’s natural to feel isolated or disconnected. Reaching out to friends and loved ones will help you cope with these feelings and remind you that you have plenty of love in your life. Share your feelings with your friends, and ask them about their own breakup experiences. They may have valuable advice to offer you! Talking things out is also a great way to manage any anger you’re feeling toward your ex. Expressing anger or frustration out loud can help you let go of these emotions.
Staying Strong
Cut off ties with your ex. Not contacting your ex is an important step in healing from a breakup. Romantic love stimulates dopamine pathways in the brain, making you feel “rewarded” for your emotions. When you break up, your brain treats it the same way it would treat a drug withdrawal. In other words, it’s completely natural to feel an intense desire to reach out to your ex, but it’s important to fight this urge. Don’t give in to the craving, or you’ll have an even harder time kicking it! Don’t call, text, or email your ex. If you need to, delete their number. Stay strong and stay away from that phone! Don’t look up your ex on social media. You’ll look for clues about their current life, or reminisce about your memories together, which prevents you from healing. If you have to block your ex so you’re not tempted, go for it. This way they won’t be able to reach out to you and keep you from healing, either.
Get rid of mementos and reminders. Holding on to gifts from your ex or photos of the two of you will hold you back from healing and moving on. You may even find that having them around triggers feelings of sadness, loneliness, or anger. Delete photos of your ex from social media accounts (or at least archive these posts). Resist the urge to do things that you used to do together, like listening to “your song” or visiting your favorite date spot. These things will keep you focused on the past, instead of allowing you to move forward. If you have things that seem too nice to throw out, donate them. You’ll be able to let go of that sweatshirt or teddy bear while also making a positive difference in someone else’s life!
Avoid rash decisions. After a breakup, you might want to dye your hair or get a tattoo to commemorate your fresh start. These types of big decisions are tempting, but your emotions are too raw right now. You’re likely not able to think things through with a clear head. Take a pause on major decisions, so you’re not stuck waiting for a bad haircut to grow out, or looking up tattoo removal options. Let some time pass. If after a few months you still really want that tattoo because it symbolizes something important, go for it at that point. You have time!
Keep yourself busy. Distraction is only a temporary cure, but it can really help take your mind off the pain from your breakup. Keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy, especially if they’re new and exciting, will help you realize that your life isn’t over just because the relationship is. Read that book series you’ve been meaning to start, and join a book club so you can talk about it with others. Take a class to learn a new skill, or pick up a new hobby. Learning new things will remind you that you’re capable of growth and achievement. Call up people you’ve been meaning to catch up with. This will remind you that you’re surrounded by people who love and support you.
Exercise. Exercise is a good way to vent your frustration and pain. It also releases endorphins, the chemicals in your brain that make you happy. Regular moderate exercise can help you fight off anxiety and depression, too. Aim for 30 minutes a day to feel that rush of feel-good chemicals. If you have a super busy schedule, try out high-intensity interval training, where you only need to work out in small, 15-minute chunks. You can also incorporate physical activity into your normal daily tasks, like washing the car by hand, or taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Be careful not to approach exercise as a way to be desirable to your ex or a future partner. Remind yourself that you’re exercising because it’s good for your body and mind, not because you need to change your appearance!
Learning to Thrive
Have a little fun to take your mind off the sadness. This may seem next to impossible, especially if you’re still raw immediately after the breakup. However, having fun is great medicine for your brain. It reduces feelings of anger and increases your feelings of positivity. So, go out with friends to see a movie. Go disco dancing. Sing karaoke. Do things you enjoy, and try to let loose a little. It may be tough at first, but you’ll feel better for it in the end! Laughter, it turns out, really is the best medicine. It releases endorphins, which are your body’s natural mood elevators. Laughter even increases your body’s ability to tolerate pain.
Treat yourself. “Retail therapy” can actually be good for you, if it’s done wisely. Research shows that when you go shopping after rejection, you tend to envision how your purchases will fit into your new lifestyle. Buying an outfit that boosts your self-confidence, or replacing a piece of your ex’s furniture that isn’t your style can help you mend. Just remember: don’t use spending to mask your pain, and don’t go overboard with your credit card, or you’ll end up stressed out when the bills come in. Allow yourself a few treats, but remember to shop responsibly!
Volunteer your time to improve your community. Taking the focus off yourself can help you avoid rumination, that “broken record loop” where the only thing you can think about is how much things suck. Studies also show that showing kindness and compassion to others can boost your own mood and create a “ripple effect” of compassion in those around you. Check with your church, school, or local volunteer organizations to see how you can make a difference. Serving other people can also give you a sense of purpose, which can help you get out of your head after a difficult breakup.
Focus on being positive. They may have broken up with you, but this doesn't mean you aren’t worthy of love. There are plenty of other people who will feel lucky to have you and will treat you even better than your ex. Find things that make you smile and laugh. Surround yourself with friends who are upbeat, optimistic, and caring. Soon you’ll find that you feel a lot better! Remember, humans are really susceptible to “emotional contagion,” or picking up on others’ feelings and moods. If you surround yourself with positive people, you’re way more likely to feel positive yourself. On the flip side, if you surround yourself with people who are negative and bitter, you’re more likely to feel that way. EXPERT TIP Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS Clinical Psychologist Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards. Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS Clinical Psychologist Breakups allow for self-discovery and growth. Focus inward on self-development, not outward for approval. See a breakup as just part of your story, not your identity. Use the experience to reset priorities and redefine what you want from relationships. Build confidence from within to pursue new opportunities ahead.
Moving On
Forgive in order to move on. After the initial phase of shock and grief has passed, you’ll feel more able to let things go and remain cool. When you forgive your ex for everything that happened, you can finally start the process of moving forward. Remember: forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not the other person. Forgiveness isn’t an excuse for bad behavior, and forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with them, or that you’re admitting they were “right” to do what they did. It simply means that you’re letting go of the burden of anger, so that you can move on and be free. It can take some time for you to fully feel forgiveness, and that’s okay. Be patient and kind to yourself during this process.
Look forward, not backward. Right now, you’re likely dwelling on the past, but this won’t do "future you" any good. Instead, try shifting your focus to what comes next. What kind of amazing partner might you meet down the road? What’s the ideal, loving relationship you want to build? Spend a little time reflecting on what you’ve learned, and then focus on planning the bright future you envision. Consider the lessons you'll take from this relationship into the future. What will you do differently, and what will you do the same? Examine your past relationships to see if you have a “type” that hasn't been working out for you. Think about how you can break this pattern next time. Treat this as a learning experience. Breakups hurt, but they can also teach you a lot about yourself. What do you know about yourself now that you didn’t before?
Take this time to get to know yourself better. In a serious relationship, we often become one half of a unit, instead of a full and unique version of ourselves. This is often why breakups are so hard. But once you’re set free, you can find yourself again. Take some time to figure out what you value and who you want to be. When you were in this relationship, you probably made compromises to coexist with your partner. Now's the time to not make compromises, and to listen to only you! Sleep in late if your ex was an early riser who always woke you up early. Wear the clothing your ex didn't like, or restart a hobby that you had put on hold. All these are ways of rebuilding your sense of yourself as an individual, rather than half of a couple.
Push yourself out of your comfort zone. It’s easy to stay inside our comfort zones because, well, it’s comfortable. However, it’s hard to really thrive without challenges. Take this opportunity to try new things and take risks you might not have taken while you were in the relationship. Taking (reasonable, controlled) risks makes it easier to accept that vulnerability and the unexpected are facts of life. This makes it much easier to handle the next unexpected thing that comes your way. This doesn’t mean, however, that you should try extreme sports with no training, or decide to move to a foreign country without any knowledge of its culture or language. Start with smaller challenges, and work your way up!
Give it time. You are heartbroken now, but you won’t feel this way forever. It sounds cliché, but it’s cliché for good reason. Time really does heal your wounds! While it may be uncomfortable now, eventually your ex will become a part of your history—a fond memory you can smile at, or a difficult chapter you’re thankful to have made it through. People don't fade automatically, so don't be hard on yourself if the grieving process is taking some time. Try to have faith that it will pass eventually. You'll wake up one day and realize that you haven't thought about this person for weeks. It happens slowly, but just when you think it will never pass, bam. It does. It always does.
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