What is intimacy?
Intimacy in a relationship is feeling emotionally connected to each other. In an intimate relationship, you feel supported and secure. You're able to share thoughts and feelings with each other without fear of being insulted or rejected. True intimacy is about more than sex. In fact, sometimes intimacy doesn't include sex at all! You can have intimacy in any type of relationship, including relationships with family members and friends.
What are the different types of intimacy?
There is physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. All types of intimacy require plenty of trust to blossom. A relationship might have more of some types than others, and that's perfectly fine. All of these types take time to build and nurture, although some might come more naturally to you than others. Physical intimacy is what most people think of when they hear the word "intimacy." But physical intimacy includes more than just sex—there's also nonsexual touch and simply being physically comfortable with each other. Emotional intimacy covers your comfort level sharing your feelings with each other and being vulnerable around each other. If you're comfortable being emotionally vulnerable around your partner, you have high emotional intimacy. Intellectual intimacy deals with your mental connection with your partner in terms of how the two of you think, reason, and share your thoughts and ideas with each other. It can also include learning new skills together and working as a team. Spiritual intimacy is usually religious, but it goes beyond that. It means that you feel comfortable sharing your beliefs with each other and you have similar spiritual or moral values and goals.
Why is intimacy important?
Intimacy helps you feel content, empowered, and happy. Intimate relationships are essential for people to feel whole and complete. Intimacy reinforces your connection to humanity as a whole and might even make you a better person. Intimacy is most important in your closest relationships. If you consider your romantic partner to be your closest or primary relationship, intimacy is vital. Without it, you'll likely feel more lonely and vulnerable.
How to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship
Share secrets and feelings with each other that are emotionally meaningful. Whenever you share something about yourself that's important to who you are, there's a risk that the person you share it with won't react the way you want (or even need) them to. This risk creates vulnerability, which is required for intimacy to grow. For example, you might tell your partner about something embarrassing that happened in your childhood. When they react in a supportive and reassuring way, you'll feel a sense of relief that brings you closer to them. If the worst-case scenario happens and your partner doesn't respond in the way that you hoped, use it as an opportunity to learn more about them. Ask them why they responded the way they did and tell them what you hoped to hear from them.
Express your gratitude and appreciation for your partner. Your partner will feel closer to you and safer around you when they know that you see them and appreciate the things that they do. This also keeps you from starting to take it for granted that your partner will do various things. For example, if your partner takes out the trash, you might say, "Thanks so much for taking out the trash this morning! That was a big help." It's a quick, simple thing that makes a big difference. Have a positive outlook towards your relationship generally and celebrate all the positive things. This keeps you from taking things for granted in your relationship and helps strengthen your emotional connection to each other.
Indulge your silly and playful side. In the face of all the responsibilities that come with adult life, it's easy to lose your sense of playfulness—but it's also pretty easy to bring it back. Most people will appreciate a silly lighthearted moment and it will bring you closer together with your partner. For example, while the two of you are doing dishes, you might playfully splash your partner. Or you might sneak up behind them and give them a poke or a "boop" on the nose. Doing something silly or playful can also ease tension and help lighten a heavy moment, but read the room first. You don't want it to look like you're not taking something as seriously as you should be.
Use any kind of physical touch to boost your physical intimacy. This includes intentional touch, such as hugs and kisses, as well as incidental touch. Random incidental touching tends to happen a lot between couples with high levels of physical intimacy. For example, you might run your hand down your partner's back or squeeze their shoulder as you walk past them. You're not necessarily going out of your way to touch them, you're just acknowledging their presence. Make it a habit to always give your partner a hug and a kiss whenever the two of you are parting ways. Kiss your partner randomly on the cheek or forehead when you're out and about or both doing something at home. Hold hands most of the time when you're walking, sitting, or standing together.
Schedule time to spend together as a couple without distractions. When you're both busy with various life responsibilities, it can be hard to spend the time together that builds and reinforces your connection. Time alone together without distractions helps you stay close. When you're first dating, this is often a lot easier. Basically, every date you plan is quality time together. But once you get more serious or move in together, your regular life responsibilities might start to slowly eat away at your "couple time." You don't need a couple of hours if you don't have it—even 15 minutes of uninterrupted conversation can help you build and sustain your intimacy as a couple.
Ask open-ended questions and have deep conversations to build intellectual intimacy. Intellectual intimacy is as simple as being curious about your partner's thoughts on various issues or events. When you listen to each other and ask further questions, you get to know each other better. This doesn't necessarily mean you're having deep, philosophical discussions every day. Building intellectual intimacy can be as simple as asking your partner about their favorite color or their favorite animal, then really listening to the reasons behind their choice.
Exercise together to work toward a mutual goal. Talk about what you want to accomplish in terms of physical fitness or activity, then find ways you can work together. You'll hold each other accountable and make new memories, which helps strengthen your bond. For example, suppose you want to get stronger but find it boring to lift weights. Your partner can go to the gym with you to help motivate you and make it more fun than it would be if you went alone. You might also decide that you both want to play a sport together. If it's something new that neither of you has ever done before, you'll build intimacy through the vulnerability of learning something new.
Cultivate a connection that transcends the two of you as people. Activities such as meditating or praying together strengthen your spiritual connection with your partner. You might also try volunteering for a religious or spiritual organization or just helping other people together. Spiritual intimacy isn't necessarily about you and your partner's religious or spiritual beliefs, although you'll likely have an easier time building spiritual intimacy if your beliefs are similar. The point here is that you connect with the world beyond the two of you in a way that fulfills and strengthens your relationship in the process.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable to get to the core of intimacy. When you have true intimacy with your partner, they know you really well—maybe even better than you know yourself. But you can't get there without first letting your guard down to expose your heart and soul to them. Think about how a dog will roll over and expose its belly to people it trusts. The dog feels confident that the people won't hurt it, even if it can't know that with 100% certainty. For the dog, the pleasure of belly pats is worth the risk that the people might hurt it, because the dog is fairly certain they won't. When you reveal your deepest thoughts and feelings to your partner, you're exposing yourself to the risk that they will hurt you, but you trust that they won't. That trust is the foundation of strong intimacy.
Experience vulnerability together by tackling something unfamiliar. Some new activities and experiences are downright scary at first—and that fear can bring you closer together as a couple. As you learn and become more comfortable with the experience, you gain the stories you shared from taking that journey together. For example, you and your partner might decide to try glass blowing, or pottery, or some other art that you've never tried before. Some activities seem ready-made to build intimacy while learning something new. For example, you might take ballroom dancing classes. You might also travel together to an unfamiliar place. The new environment allows you to see your partner in a new light.
How do you overcome a fear of intimacy?
Learn to read and communicate emotions directly. Take the time to think about how you really feel. Label your emotions and encourage your partner to do the same thing. Over time, you'll come to recognize signs of different emotions and feel more comfortable being vulnerable with your partner. A fear of intimacy is, ultimately, a fear of the unknown. You don't know what your partner is feeling, so you assume the worst. You become afraid of vulnerability because you're sure you'll get hurt. The process of overcoming a fear of intimacy can bring some memories of past hurt and trauma to the surface. If this happens to you or your partner, you might want to work with a therapist.
Make eye contact with your partner as often as you can. Eye contact increases your empathy and connection. It also makes it much easier to pick up on what your partner is feeling. Taking away some of that uncertainty will help you get more comfortable with intimacy. If you're not very good at making eye contact, your partner is a great person to practice with! Just let them know that it's something you want to work on. You can build your intimacy with them while also working on an important life skill.
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