How to Check on Someone Who's Grieving

Reaching out to Someone Who’s Grieving

Contact them even if you aren’t sure what to say. When someone you care about is grieving, you may feel hesitant to reach out to them because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. In most cases, though, they’ll care much more about the fact that you made the effort to check in on them than whatever it is you actually say. Just being present and letting them know that you care will be comforting, regardless of what you say or do. Once you reach out, you’ll likely be able to get a better sense of their grief and be able to better assess what you can and should do to be there for them.

Ask them if they feel like talking so they know you’re there to listen. When someone you care about is grieving, you may feel like they surely know that you’re there for them. While it may feel obvious to you, during their time of grief, it can be incredibly helpful for you to prompt them to share and remind them that you’re there. That way, they won’t have to muster the courage and energy to reach out for support when they need it. It can be helpful to ask someone who’s grieving “Do you feel like talking about it?” but try to avoid asking them “How are you?” While you may feel like you’re prompting them to open up, they may just feel obligated to say that they’re fine even if they aren’t.

Continue to check on them after the first few weeks and months. In many cases, support for someone who’s grieving starts to dwindle as time goes on and people start to get busy in their own lives. For the person grieving, however, returning to their routine may make their grief even more pronounced. By continuing to check in on them, you’ll be able to help them move forward with their life and support them as they figure out how to live with their grief. It’s often very difficult for someone who’s grieving to take the initiative to reach out for support. By continuing to check on them as time goes on, you’ll be able to take some of this burden off their shoulders. Checking on someone who’s grieving doesn’t have to be a big task. Try making continuous small gestures that won’t take you much time, but still let them know you’re there. Sending a card, delivering a meal, or bringing them coffee now and then, for example, can make a huge difference. Even if you don’t hear back from them right away, try to continue to reach out. While they may not be up for talking or responding, they’ll surely appreciate your continuous efforts to check on them and be there for them.

Offering Your Support

Make plans to do some things they enjoy to show your support. When someone you care about is grieving, they’ll likely appreciate any effort you make to check in on them and offer your support. It can be even more meaningful, though, if you try to find ways to support them that will be uniquely comforting and helpful. That way, they’ll know that you’ve really considered what they specifically might need. For example, if your regular gym partner is grieving the loss of a family member, try getting them a gift card for a new yoga studio, or hiring a yoga instructor to lead a class with a few of your mutual friends.

Offer to help them with specific tasks. While asking someone who’s grieving, “Can I do anything?” is a nice gesture, many people don’t feel comfortable responding with a specific favor. Instead, try asking them if they need help with something specific, like making funeral arrangements, caring for their cat, or contacting relatives. That way, they’ll feel more comfortable saying yes or no, and take the burden off of them to think of something you can do to help. When someone is grieving, even simple tasks like making dinner can feel overwhelming. Checking in with them to see if they want you to do something specific will likely provide a huge sense of relief. For example, making and delivering meals, helping to take care of their kids, running a few errands, and helping with household chores are all helpful ways you can continue to offer your support.

Let them know they can react and feel however they need to. Grief manifests itself in a variety of ways. Sometimes, someone who’s grieving may need to silently cry for hours while other times they may need to laugh. When you’re checking on them, try to assess how they’re acting and feeling that day and let them know that you’re there to support them, whatever they may need. For example, while you may anticipate that your friend who lost their father will be somber after the funeral, they may just really need someone to laugh with to help lift their spirits. Let them know it’s ok to react however they need by making them feel comfortable laughing if that’s what they need. In addition, avoid making any judgments about how they’re grieving. Many people don’t go through the stereotypical stages of grief or don't go through them in order, so try to be supportive of whatever they need to do.

Give them the time and space they need to move forward. When someone is grieving, there’s no set time after which they’ll be ready to move on. While some people may think it’s time that they go back to work or start being social again, they may not be ready. Rather than pushing them to move on, try to understand that they’re grieving in their own way and listen when they tell you that something is just too overwhelming for them to handle. For example, try to be flexible if they need to change or cancel plans. When someone is grieving, they may not know ahead of time when something will trigger their feelings. Similarly, if you reach out and invite them to do something, don’t be offended if you don’t always get a response. They may not want to have to explain why they aren’t up for joining. If you want to encourage them to do something that you think may help, try asking if it’s okay. For example, instead of saying “It’s time for you to go back to work,” try saying, “If you want to try going into work tomorrow, I’m happy to pick you up on the way. Is that okay?”

Talking to Someone Who’s Grieving

Ask them about specific aspects of grief rather than general questions. If it feels appropriate, try asking them a more specific question about their grief to give them a chance to open up. While you want to be sensitive to their feelings and careful with what you say, asking them a more specific question can give them a particular aspect of their grief to talk about, which may make it easier for them to share. For example, if your friend’s mom passed away, instead of asking them “Do you want to talk about it?” try asking them, “Do you miss being able to call your mom every day?”

Talk about the person they lost candidly to prompt them to open up. In some cases, people are hesitant to start talking about their grief even if you make it clear that you’re there to listen. It may be helpful in these situations to make a sensitive but direct comment about the person they lost to give them a more natural segue into sharing about their grief. Don’t be afraid to use the name of the person they lost. Many people will likely be hesitant to say their name, but it can be comforting for them to hear it so they know other people are thinking about them and grieving as well. For example, try bringing up a positive memory, or something their lost loved one enjoyed or thought was funny. By initiating the conversation with something specific and positive, it may make their grief a bit less painful to talk about. If your best friend is grieving the loss of her sister and a comedian her sister loved comes on TV, for example, try bringing her sister up by saying, “Remember when we saw this comedy show live and Janelle fell out of her chair laughing?” Bringing up a positive memory about her sister may ease her pain a bit while giving her a natural way to start telling you how much she misses her.

Offer hope without minimizing their grief. While it’s important that you allow someone who’s grieving to express their sadness, it can also be helpful for you to offer them hope and remind them that they are strong. When offering hope, however, it’s important that you choose your words carefully so that you don’t say anything that makes them feel like you’re minimizing or belittling their pain. For example, try to avoid making any comments that insinuate there is a bright side to their grief. If your friend’s grandfather passed away after a long battle with cancer, avoid saying anything like, “At least he isn’t suffering anymore.” Instead, try saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieve as long as you need to, and know that I’ll be here for you.”

Focus on their feelings instead of your own. When someone you care about is grieving, it’s likely that you’ll take some time to reflect on what their loss means to you. While this is understandable and can even help you be more supportive, try to avoid focusing on your own feelings when you check in on them. Instead, focusing on letting them share how they’re feeling and only respond with your own feelings when you feel like it will help them feel justified and supported. For example, avoid self-focused remarks like, “I don’t know how you’re getting through this—I wouldn’t be able to.” If your brother is grieving the loss of his wife, for example, you’ll naturally be grieving the loss of your sister-in-law as well. When you’re trying to be there for your brother, though, understand that unloading your grief on him will likely only make his pain worse.