Trying to Undo Their Dislike for You
Ask your partner if they know the reason for the dislike. Chances are, your partner knows the reason why their parents dislike you. They likely haven’t brought it up to you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. But what they need to know is that by withholding this information from you, they are actually making you feel worse because of the discontent between you and their parents. Say to your partner, “I feel like your parents don’t like me. Do you know why? I understand you may not want to tell me because you think it might hurt my feelings, but I really want to make a connection with them and if I knew why, I may be able to do that.” Telling your partner you appreciate their concern, but you really want to work it out, may be just what you need to find out the truth. Make sure that you listen to what your partner has to say. You may be misinterpreting your partner’s family members’ behavior as dislike, when they may actually like you.
Talk to the parents. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner’s parents about why they dislike you, if you can. Avoid being defensive or confrontational; simply state your reasons for why you think they don’t approve of you, and ask why. Attempt to remain respectful and polite throughout the entire conversation and you may get what you’re looking for. Begin the conversation by saying, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that you don’t like me or disapprove of our relationship. I really love your child and I want to have a relationship with you, as well. Perhaps if you tell me what I’ve done to give you a bad impression, we can figure out a way to all get along.” You may not like what they have to say, so prepare yourself for a negative response. Try not to react, but instead be gracious and thank them for their time. Never stand for abuse from your partner’s family. If they are abusing you, such as by insulting you or calling you names, then stand up for yourself. Your partner should not stand for any type of abusive talk towards you either.
Write down possible ideas for the cause of the dislike. If you’re not able to speak with your partner or the parents, it’s time to get honest with yourself. Make a list of the possible reasons for the dislike and then come up with solutions for the issues. Try having a trustworthy friend help you with this if you think they might be more honest with you than your partner. You may not be able to work this out on your own, but understanding the possible obstacles and challenges you’ll face may serve as a helpful starting point. Your list could include religious differences, personality clashes, jealousy, or simply dealing with parents who will never be happy with the person their child chooses. Parents often believe that no one will ever be good enough for their child, and you may simply have to accept that.
Ask your partner to talk to their parents. In a non-confrontational way, ask your partner to speak with their parents about the reason for their dislike of you. Chances are, they’ll be more open and honest with their own child than you, so you’re more likely to get somewhere by having your partner talk to them. If your partner shows resistance or doesn’t feel comfortable about talking to their parents, relay just how important it is to you that you get along with them. Your partner could say to their parents, “I get the feeling that you don’t like my partner. I was hoping we could discuss why that is. I love all of you and really want us all to get along.” Although the talk may not solve everything immediately, it can at least serve as a chance to get a conversation going. It may take a while to resolve the situation.
Find an ally in the family. If your partner feels torn between you and their family, it can become a strain on the relationship. You can lessen the tension—and possibly warm up to your in-laws—by solidifying a bond with someone who is open-minded. Perhaps your partner has a sibling, cousin, or grandparent who is polite to you. Present your best case to this person and they just might be willing to defend you to the rest of the family. They might also be able to give you some insight into the parent’s typical pattern of behaviors and whether or not this is a common thing for them to do. If that doesn’t work, at the very least, this person provides a safe harbor when you must attend family gatherings or events. Hang out or chat with them instead of feeling isolated all by yourself.
Managing Your Romantic Relationship
Tell your partner it’s important to defend you. If your partner’s parents disrespect you, speak up and ask your partner to defend you. If your partner loves you, they should not allow their parents to act rudely or mean towards you. However, because it’s their parents, they may feel uncomfortable speaking up. Although your spouse shouldn’t allow any talking behind your back, you should also avoid telling your partner to choose sides. Doing so puts them in an impossible position. Try to understand where your partner is coming from, but also ask that they don’t allow their parents to speak badly about you. Try to come up with some respectful but firm responses for your partner to use to defend you. These statements should be strong enough to defend you without insulting your partner’s parents.
Talk with your partner about what you can do together. You and your partner are a team, so talking about how to battle this together is ideal. Supporting each other is crucial during this hardship, and if you’re in it for the long haul, this may be something you have to deal with for a very long time. Come up with a plan and then do your best to implement it. For instance, decide that you will both not hold what the parents do against each other. Also, agree to let go of anything negative the parents do as quickly as possible. This will allow you to move on with your lives and be happy without holding grudges. Lastly, decide to always be honest with each other about the things that upset you. Doing this can help the both of you understand where the other is coming from and possibly avoid bad situations.
Practice active listening. One of the biggest barriers to healthy communication is the way you and your partner listen to one another. Too often, people listen with the intention of replying; they don't listen to understand. When you follow some basic principles of active listening you and your partner can get on the same page and strengthen your bond in the process. Make occasional eye contact. Use open body language with your body turned toward them and your arms and legs relaxed at your sides. Share your feelings using "I" statements like "It makes me feel very small when your mom acts like I'm trash because I don't come from a wealthy family like yours. I really wish you would stand up for me." By focusing on your feelings, you will be giving your partner a chance to come to their own conclusions regarding their parents’ behavior. Now, give your partner an opportunity to respond. They might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, baby. My mom is very arrogant when it comes to money and status..." Give your partner the chance to fully express their message and provide a summary afterwards, like "It sounds like you're saying your mom does that with other people, too?" Make sure you have fully received their message before providing your own response.
Stand as a unified front. In-laws have the power to make or break your relationship, but only if you allow it. At the end of the day, you can't force your partner's parents to like you. However, you and your partner can make sure this doesn't negatively impact your relationship by presenting as a unified front. When you come off as a team, the in-laws are less likely to challenge you. Stand together about your principles and don't fold when they apply pressure. For instance, if you have already expressed a boundary that you will be visiting one family for Thanksgiving and one family for Christmas, don't even consider it if one family tries to negotiate this boundary. Simply have your partner say, "Mom, Dad, we already told you our travel plans for the holidays. Please respect our decision." In addition, to being united when together, you should also maintain unity when apart. Both you and your partner should clarify what is shared with the family and what is kept between you. When you are in their presence, stand true to this in to send the message that both partners respect and value one another's privacy and decisions.
Dealing with a Dislike You Can't Fix
Set boundaries. Work with your partner to come up with boundaries that you are both comfortable with. These boundaries may include time, location, and frequency limits for being around your partner’s parents. Understandably, you don’t want to be around people who don’t like you all of the time, and setting up boundaries can prevent major blow outs from occurring. Be kind when enforcing your boundaries, but also let the parents know you won’t be bullied. For instance, if you and your partner have date night every Sunday, but your partner’s parents insist on you coming over for dinner, let them know you are unavailable that particular day, but could come over another day. Giving in just once may give them the impression that you are flexible with this and they may continue to try to impede upon your personal time.
Stay cordial. Be the bigger person when it comes to dealing with your partner’s parents and remain cordial. Don’t treat them the way they treat you, as that will only make the situation more difficult. Instead, remain polite and respectful and your maturity may help the relationship to get better. Staying cordial also pertains to the way you speak to your partner about their parents. Avoid talking bad about them to your partner, even if your partner is voicing negative opinions about them. Your partner likely won’t appreciate you speaking unkindly about them, which can cause issues for your relationship.
Anticipate and manage awkwardness. Once you and your partner start conveying boundaries, it is likely to become tense during family visits. Expect this ahead of time in order to prepare yourself for any awkward moments. If someone in the family openly insults you, discuss with your partner beforehand whether you will ignore the insult or leave the environment. If a parent is overly critical, simply try the adage of "killing them with kindness." Be extremely friendly and polite despite their obvious attempts to unsettle or anger you. If one parent tries to guilt-trip you by throwing your boundaries back in your face, calmly repeat them without wavering. You might say, "That's right, Mrs. Richards, we've decided to start staying in hotels when we come visit from now on."
Encourage your partner to speak up for your relationship. Your partner’s parents may think that by bashing you, they will convince your partner to leave you. However, if your partner tells their parents that you are staying together no matter what, they may back off. The key is to talk to them in a respectful, yet authoritative way. For example, your partner could say to the parents, “I know you love me and want what’s best for me. However, I have made decision to be with my partner. I love you both and I think we can live together peacefully as long as everyone shows respect. Do you think you can do this?” If the parents agree to this, it’s important to hold up your end of the agreement. Your partner might also express their feeling that being in a relationship with you is important to them and that they see you as an important part of their future. Your partner’s parents might ease up as a result out of not wanting to be left out of their child’s life.
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