How to Cope with a Boss Who Makes You Feel Incompetent

• Deal with a boss who makes you feel incompetent by adapting to their communication style. Anticipate a micro-manager’s needs through communication and have detailed reports ready.
• When you feel overwhelmed, address issues calmly and respectfully using “I” and “me” statements. Come prepared with a list of issues and potential resolutions.
• If your bosses’ behavior escalates, turn to trusted colleagues for advice and guidance. You can also refer to your company’s HR department for further assistance.

How to Deal with a Boss Who Makes You Feel Incompetent

Clarify your daily expectations and job responsibilities. In scenarios in which your boss is asking you to do things outside of your required responsibilities, it can be hard to figure out how to professionally say, "That's not my job." in a situation like this, refer to your documented job description to support your denial and clarify your key responsibilities. When tasks outside of your job responsibility are dumped on you, it can make you feel underappreciated, undervalued, and overworked. If you need access to your job description, refer to your workplace's Career Portal or contact HR for written documentation of the requirements for your role.

Adapt to your boss's communication style. Everyone has a different way of communicating—some more effective than others. If your boss is a micromanager, the best way to handle this situation is by anticipating what they'll expect or ask of you. If you know they're going to want to see detailed reports, for example, have them ready to go. It may feel frustrating that they don't trust you, but by regularly anticipating their needs, your boss will be able to see you're someone they don't need to be on top of.

Address issues directly in a calm, respectful manner. If you feel your boss is mistreating you, don't be afraid to bring it to their attention calmly and respectfully. As you would address your feelings to a romantic partner, do the same with your boss. Use "I" or "me" statements to express your feelings without placing the blame on them. You could say, "Lately, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed by my workload," which sounds better than, "You've been giving me too much work." Certified Career, Leadership, and Happiness Coach Manuela Pauer says, “The key to approaching difficult conversations with your boss is to make it collaborative. You can start by simply envisioning both of you working as a team to find a solution to the problem.” This way, it shows you both have a common goal.

Find common ground or interests to lessen the tension. You're not expected to like everyone you work with, but you are expected to be professional in the workplace. If you feel your boss doesn't like you, try to engage in friendly conversation to learn more about their interests outside of work. If your boss is a big baseball fan, you could say, "Hey, did you see the game tonight?" You could also ask about how their weekend was, how their family is doing, or if they're watching any new shows they'd recommend. Keep it light and casual. In a work environment, it can feel like your boss forgets you’re a human being—not a machine. Engaging in friendly conversation will remind your boss that you have a life outside of work and may help your workplace relationship.

Continue to deliver and celebrate your hard work. It can be disheartening to see other coworkers getting praise or compliments from a boss who only seems to provide negative feedback or criticism. If your boss plays favorites, try not to let that get to you. Do your best work and write down all the successful projects, goals, and achievements you made throughout the work year. Reflect on all the actions you took, the skills and abilities used, and the results you achieved in work-related situations. You can use this list and add it to your growing resume. Your boss may not see all the hard work you put in at first, but by compiling all of your accomplishments and relaying them during your next performance review, you may see some improvements.

Identify their motivations for making you feel incompetent. While whatever happens externally in your boss's life doesn't excuse their behavior, it helps put things in perspective. Try putting yourself in their shoes to understand what they may be experiencing. Let's say there's a big deadline coming up. Your boss may be more on edge than normal. Try to picture their workload or consider all the moving parts they need to manage to ensure successful projects. By understanding where they're coming from, you can identify potential triggers that may set them off and learn how to avoid them. For instance, they may not have time for an in-person meeting if they're running around a lot. Try emailing any questions or concerns you may have so they can address them independently.

Seek support from colleagues and friends. When dealing with a boss that makes you feel incompetent, turn to the people you trust for validation and advice. They can give you insights you weren't privy to and offer advice on approaching your boss and the situation best. It also helps to hear other people's experiences, which can help you feel less alone. If you're nervous about addressing an issue to your boss, Clinical Psychologist Julia Yacoob suggests, “If anything specific is bothering a person, I always encourage them to talk it out with a friend[,] spouse, or therapist in advance and roleplay how to communicate [with] the desired outcome [in mind.]”

Set a meeting with human resources. If your boss makes your workplace feel unsafe or unwelcome, schedule a meeting with your company’s HR office. “I would recommend preparing [a list],” Life and Career Coach Shannon O’Brien says, “[Include the] top five things you’re not happy with.” If possible, have an additional list of remedies and solutions to resolve the issue. If you feel comfortable having a one-on-one session with your boss, you can approach them with the same list to find solutions together. However, in the case of a hostile boss, stick with your HR department to handle the issue.

Create an exit strategy if needed. If you're unable to resolve your relationship with your boss, it's time to look for new opportunities. Avoid jumping ship until another opportunity is on its way. Do your research into other companies. Learn what their culture is like and the types of leadership or management practices that are put in place. Use resources like LinkedIn or Glassdoor to read through other employees' experiences to find the best fit for you.

Signs You Could Improve Your Work Performance

Your boss micromanages you In many cases, managers have difficulty delegating tasks to employees they feel they can’t trust. They may feel they’re the only ones who know how to do the job right and come off as condensing or belittling towards you. When entrusted with a task, they always ping you or pull you into the office for updates.

You constantly receive negative feedback Despite giving every assignment your all, your boss never seems to have anything nice to say. They also fail to provide constructive criticism, so you don’t know which areas to improve. In some cases, managers struggle with finding a balance when delivering criticism. Often referred to as the "compliment sandwich," it's helpful to provide positive validation and then segue into constructive feedback.

You’re frequently asking colleagues for help While there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, problem-solving is an important skill for many industries. If you struggle to find solutions independently, it may be time to expand your skills by taking new classes or training lessons.

You’re treated like an assistant While there's nothing wrong with being an assistant, it's not a good sign if that's not the job you were hired to do yet you're asked to perform menial tasks. If your boss asks you to get them coffee, order them lunch, or handle personal matters, it shows they don’t value the work you were hired for. You may want to explore why that’s become the case.

You haven’t been promoted It can be a real blow to your ego when new hires get promoted before you or external hires are chosen for positions you applied for. In many cases, it’s a simple matter of experience and qualifications. A candidate may have more up-to-date training or years of experience than you. While you can’t control time, you can learn new skills.

How to Improve Your Work Performance

Set clear and achievable work-related goals. Take a moment to self-reflect, and use your boss's feedback and interactions to help gauge where you could improve your work life. By doing so, you’ll be able to be realistic about what work goals you can achieve. For instance, for a micro-managing boss, you could set out to communicate more effectively. Setting achievable goals is a way to track your progress without burning yourself out.

Ask for additional training in areas you need to be better versed in. There's always room for growth in life, and one way to better yourself at work is by asking for updated training or learning new skills to make yourself a more well-rounded worker. Doing so will show your boss that you're willing to take the initiative to improve yourself and produce higher-quality work. In a situation where you weren't able to do something effectively and your boss scolds you for it, instead of saying, "You never trained me," try saying, "I'm sorry that didn't meet your standards; this is something new for me, and I'd love to get your insight on how I can improve from my mistakes going forward."

Embrace innovation and change. When you're at the same company or in the same role for an extended period, it can be easy to slip into the comfort of routine. However, being unwilling to adapt to change may signal to your boss that you may not be a flexible worker. When a new process or technology is introduced, show your boss you're interested by asking insightful questions or offering to train other workers on new protocols.

Ask for feedback or monthly check-ins with your supervisor. If you're worried your work isn't up to par, schedule time with your boss to review it or ask where they feel you could improve. Go in with a list of concerns and see if they share any of the same feedback. This will show them you're taking the initiative to learn from your mistakes.

Build healthier communication habits with your boss. If you're constantly feeling overwhelmed by your work, schedule a time to talk with your boss one-on-one and describe your common goal. Identify tasks or triggers that make you feel anxious or overwhelmed and brainstorm solutions to help you feel less anxious at work. You want your boss to be on the same page as you so they know your situation. In this scenario, you could say, "I have been carrying a hefty workload and working overtime for over 3 months. If I continue to work like this, I will burn out and quit. I know that doesn't benefit either of us, so I would like to find a solution with you."

Improve your time management skills. If you often feel overwhelmed by your daily responsibilities and struggle to meet deadlines, you may need to evaluate where your time is being spent. Time management is about awareness, arrangement, and adaptation. These three skills work together to help you complete tasks promptly. Awareness identifies your peak performance time. If you’re more productive in the morning, save more intense tasks for then and leisurely tasks—like answering emails—for the later part of your day. Improving your arrangement skills can be done by utilizing a calendar app to record tasks and appointments or to schedule what tasks you need to accomplish throughout the day and by when. Adaptation can be improved by working in short intervals to help avoid procrastination. Use the Pomodoro method, which consists of working in 25-minute intervals with a 5-minute break between sessions to stay productive and motivated.

Allow yourself to take a break. Working in an unhealthy environment and experiencing conflict with your boss can lead to burnout, which may impact your quality of work. Take a moment to destress, seek colleague support, or try relaxing activities like meditation or walking around the office or outside. Doing so may help you cope and limit the negative effects of burnout.

Why does your boss make you feel incompetent?

Your boss may be dealing with work-related or personal stress. Although external circumstances don't excuse their behavior, in many cases, bosses don't realize they're being ineffective or rude to their team members. They may be overwhelmed by their own requirements that they can't support you in the way you expect a good manager to do. There's a hierarchy in the workplace, and often, these hierarchies within teams can significantly impact the performance, enjoyment, and time spent on specific projects. For instance, if your manager's boss is putting pressure on them, they do the same to you.