- Make it clear that you like him as just a friend, and that your invitation isn’t a date.
- Be kind and polite, but do your best not to get overly touchy or compliment him a lot (it could be misinterpreted as flirting).
- Wait a bit before your second hang out so you don’t give the impression that you’re too eager to see him again.
Making Your Intentions Clear
Decline any flirtatious approaches to establish the boundaries of your friendship. When a guy first meets you, he might start off flirtatiously to gauge your interest. But if you quickly set him straight, you’ll have better luck transitioning to a platonic friendship. If he tries to pull any suave moves, laugh it off but then tell him that you’re genuinely not interested in forming a romantic attachment. Keep your tone assertive but friendly, and introduce a little humor to diffuse any tension. Try something like this to let him down gently while showing that you’re a friend: “Freddy, I’m flattered, really, but you know I’m not into you like that. You might have better luck trying that line on the hottie across the room, though.” Don’t be worried about making him disappointed or jealous; if you’re really going to establish a platonic friendship, he’ll have no problems with this. But if you sense any kind of tension, your friendship might not be as balanced as you think.
Make sure he’s aware of your relationship status and lack of romantic interest. Whether you’re already taken, not looking for love, or simply not romantically attracted to your guy friend, make sure he knows it. Once your friendship starts to take off, talk about your significant other or your relationship status early on to show that you’re not interested in him as anything more than a friend. If you have a significant other or a crush, drop this person’s name so your guy friend knows where your affections lie. Bring up your significant other when you’re texting back and forth about shared interests: “You love the Cubs too? My boyfriend Shane got us tickets to a game next month!” If you’re not looking to date anyone, try placing blame on a third party to warn your guy friend not to push the subject: “Ugh, my mom won’t stop bugging me about getting a boyfriend. How many times do I have to tell her that I’m not interested in dating anyone right now?!” Alternatively, be more direct about how satisfied you are with your single life: “It’s so great to feel like I have everything I need for once. I’m really excited about my new job, I’ve never been in better shape, I have amazing friends like you. I used to be so stressed about dating but I’m happy to say it’s really not a priority right now.”
Tell him that he’s a great friend or that he’s like a brother to you. The best way to let a guy know you want to be just friends is to say so outright. Especially if your friendship is starting to get close and intense, or if you’re both single, it might feel like you’re toeing the line between “just friends” and “something more.” Whether you’re talking or texting, clarify your intentions by saying how much you value your guy’s friendship. Or, to make it even more clear that a sexually charged relationship is out of the question, say that you like him like a brother. While it’s helpful to bring this up early on in your friendship, be sure to reiterate it when you’re bringing up the topic of hanging out. Try using this approach to explain why you want to hang out: “Man, you’re like the brother I never had. But I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other since college started. Let’s do a ‘family reunion’ soon!” Compare your great friendship with the worst-case scenario: “I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve tried to be friends with but they’ve been all weird about it. I’m lucky to have such a good friend like you.”
Arranging a Meetup
Bring up the topic of hanging out first so you can steer the conversation. Avoid dropping hints and waiting around for him to invite you out – you might give off the signal that you want to be romantically pursued. Instead, mention the idea of hanging out as friends as soon as you’re ready to. Exhibit confidence to show that you’re totally comfortable with the idea of hanging out. Try rooting your request in the fact that you already get along well: “I’m so glad we became friends otherwise this class would be unbearable! I know our schedules won’t line up after exam week, but I was wondering if you’d want to catch up sometime next term?” When you’re the person introducing the topic, you can direct it safely into friend territory. If you don’t give off any signs of awkwardness, he shouldn’t have any reason to feel uncomfortable about the idea of getting together either. But if you’re timid about it, both of you will sense that there’s something wrong with the whole idea.
State clearly that it’s not a date. The best way to avoid ambiguity is to be upfront about your intentions. Within the first 1 or 2 sentences of your conversation or text message, say specifically that it’s not a date. Drop this line in before he has a chance to agree to your suggestion: “Hey, did you want to go to that concert? Just as friends, I mean?” or “Would you want to go to my roommate’s birthday thing with me – not as a date, but as friends?” If your guy friend happened to invite you out via text, and you can’t tell if he wants a date or not, reply with something like this: “Yeah, rock climbing sounds great! Just to be clear, I’m not looking to date but I like hanging out with new friends.” If his reply shows that he totally agrees with the just-friends thing, or even that he’s relieved that you've gotten that awkward topic out of the way, you’re in the clear.
Invite him to go out with you in a group setting. If you’re unsure about a 1-on-1 hangout, start off by socializing in a group. Ask him if he wants to tag along with you and your work buddies for happy hour, or invite everyone from your mutual friend group out for a movie night. Try to arrange a balanced group with a mix of guys and girls as well as singles and couples. He’ll probably be more comfortable if there are other guys in the group and you’ll both appreciate it if you’re not stuck with only romantic couples. If you’re texting, specify in your initial message that the group you’re going with is “a group of friends.” Ask “Want to join us?” instead of “Want to join me?” so he gets the idea.
Ask him if he wants to join in on something you’re already doing. This is a good way to put less pressure on your guy friend and your friendship overall: his response will be an acceptance or refusal the activity itself, not of you as a friend. Try asking something like, “Hey, I was planning to grab a quick bite after class, want to come along?” or “If you like jazz you should totally come to see my brother’s show on Saturday! I was just going to go by myself, but he gave me an extra ticket in case I wanted to bring a friend.” This works great if you’d like him to tag along on a group outing, but you can also try asking for something you’d otherwise be doing alone.
Avoid going out to romantic date spots together. Refrain from suggesting any place that has a romantic connotation. Steer clear of swanky restaurants, sultry cocktail bars, and even your local ice cream parlor if it has a reputation as a cute first-date spot. Similarly, avoid hanging out in a private place like your apartment. Instead, stick to public places such as family-friendly venues or big-group environments. Pick activities that reflect your shared interests, and prioritize going out during the day, rather than at night, to keep the atmosphere light and fun. Try an outdoorsy adventure or tour a historic site if you’re both history buffs. If you want to meet up for drinks or a bite to eat, pick a low-key dive bar or a casual sports bar with an upbeat energy.
Let him know in advance that you’ll each pay your own way. You should have already told him that it’s not a date, but you still need to address the topic of who pays for what. Tell him that you’d like it if you each buy your own ticket, split the bill in half, or that you’ll cover it and he can transfer you his share of the fee later. By working out an agreement ahead of time, you won’t encounter any is-it-a-date awkwardness when it’s time to pay. Don’t expect him to pick up the tab. Even if he wants to be a gentleman and pay for you, politely decline the offer. Similarly, don’t expect him to go out of his way to give you a ride to your meetup spot. If carpooling makes the most sense, go for it. Otherwise, be prepared to get there and get home by yourself. Feel free to shoot over a simple text confirming the plan: “So I’ll meet you there at 7, and we can split it halfway, right?”
Being a Platonic Friend
Refrain from doing flirtatious things like touching or complimenting him. Flirting with a guy friend can be fun and might seem harmless, but if you want your friendship to work, keep yourself in check. Limit the number of compliments you give him – especially about his appearance. Avoid making too much physical contact, too. While a hug to greet each other and say goodbye is fine, touching his arm or cuddling on the couch will send the wrong message. If his jokes aren’t funny, don’t giggle as if you have a crush! Instead, roll your eyes and tell him his jokes are pretty lame so he knows he’s not wooing you. Even if you regularly shower your gal pals with compliments, a guy might get confused into thinking you like him as more than a friend if you’re constantly boosting his ego and making him feel great. For instance, "We should hang out sometime" sounds a lot more platonic than "I'd love to take you out for drinks so we can get to know each other better."
Say goodbye like a buddy, not like a date. Don’t use a line like, “I’ll call you” or “We should do this again sometime,” which are typically said at the end of a date. Refrain from sending a cute follow-up text to say how much you enjoyed hanging out. Just keep it simple with a casual farewell that you’d say to any other friend: “That was a lot of fun! I’ll catch you later!” or “Yeah I’m gonna wait for an Uber. You go ahead and I’ll see you in class!” A goodbye hug should be fine but keep it quick. Similarly, avoid lingering around chatting before you head home. Being clingy and cuddly could suggest a romantic attraction. You’re friends, after all, so you’ll probably hang out again soon; you don’t need to reassure each other that you like spending time together.
Wait some time before chatting or hanging out again. Spend equal amounts of time with all your friends and allow your guy friend to do the same. Don’t feel the need to call, text, or message him all the time, even if you really get along well. Even if you talk to each other every day at school or work, try hanging out about once a month and messaging every few weeks. If you’re left thinking about him all the time or you feel the need to spend tons of time together – more time and thought than your other friends get – things might not be strictly platonic.
Proceed with caution if you start feeling romantic attraction to your guy friend. Even if you really value his friendship, there’s a chance that romantic feelings might bubble up. These feelings are totally normal, but they might be really frustrating to you as they could put your friendship in jeopardy. If this happens, don’t lie to yourself; be up-front about your feelings with yourself and be honest with your guy friend, too. If things start to get intense, try something like this: “Mike, I know this might sound weird but I’m starting to sense some chemistry and I think it would be good to take a few steps back. I’m in a funky place right now and I just don’t want to mess up our friendship. Is that okay?” Studies have shown that guys are more likely to be attracted to their female friends than girls are to their guy friends. So if you’re his female friend, pay attention if he starts to signal romantic interest for you.
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