Accepting What Happened
Admit that it happened. Whether you are just now having flashbacks of what happened or whether you can recall the abuse in vivid detail; It can be easy to try to convince yourself it didn’t happen or that you are remembering things incorrectly. In fact, admitting to yourself that you were sexually abused as a child can be the hardest part about healing from it. Sometimes particular places, sounds, smells, phrases, or words can trigger repressed memories of the abuse. The memories may be incomplete or confusing. Start keeping a journal. Your first entry might be simply writing, “I was sexually abused as a child.” You may want to write about what happened and/or how you feel. When you feel ready, look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.” This may be hard to do, but it will help you heal. Be mindful of how ready you are to proceed with the work that will have to be done to recover from your trauma.
Recognize your feelings. You may have mixed feelings about what happened, yourself, your abuser, and the people that were in your life when it was happening. Using mindfulness techniques to help you process your feelings without allowing them to consume you will help you heal. In order to accept your feelings, you have to label or name what you are feeling without judgment. For example, you might say to yourself, “I am feeling scared. It’s not a good feeling or bad feeling. It’s just a feeling.” Separate yourself from your feelings. You are more than your thoughts, feelings, and memories of your childhood sexual abuse. Don’t try to force the feelings to go away, just be mindful of the process your mind and body go through as the feelings pass.
Don’t blame yourself. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often feel ashamed. You may feel that what happened was your fault, that you could have prevented it, or that you somehow deserved it. This is definitely not the case. No matter what a child does, they don’t deserve to be abused. You can’t heal if you blame yourself. Sexual abuse of any fashion is a horrible betrayal of one's boundaries that is not the victim's fault. Although you may feel guilty, don’t let that feeling turn into negative self-talk like, “It’s my fault” or “It happened because I…” Accept that guilt is a normal response to childhood sexual abuse, but it does not mean you are actually guilty of doing anything wrong. Instead, say to yourself, “I am not to blame for being sexually abused. My guilty feelings are just feelings that will go away as I heal from this.” Be mindful of the feeling, separate yourself from it, and then move on from it.
Building a Support System
Talk to your significant other. If you are in a relationship, sharing what happened to you with your partner can help you heal. Talking with them about it gives them the opportunity to support you in the ways that you are most comfortable with. It can also strengthen your relationship because they will understand you better. Try saying, “I need to talk to you about something from childhood that may affect me and our relationship now. I was sexually abused when I was…” Tell your partner how you feel about intimacy right now. Talk about what is okay and what isn’t. You might say, “I’m okay with hugging and kissing, but I don’t want to do more than that right now.” Talk about what they can do to support you. For example, be with you when you tell your family or even cook dinner while you attend a support group.
Tell those close to you. In some cases, childhood sexual abuse can make you become afraid to tell those close to you or even a therapist what happened. You may fear that no one will believe you or that they will be mad at you or even blame you. Don’t be afraid. Sharing what happened with them allows them to support you and will give you a sense of relief which will help you heal. Your friends and family love and care about you. Professionals are available to support you. Practice what you are going to say in the mirror so that you can build up your confidence. You might want to start by saying, “I’m going to tell you something that is very difficult for me. When I was a child, I was sexually abused by…” It is up to you whom you tell, because only you can figure out who will listen and help. Telling others could also prevent it from happening to someone else.
Seek a therapist. Childhood sexual abuse can affect people differently. Some survivors experience only a few negative effects. Other survivors may later experience anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), or substance abuse problems. A therapist can help you process what happened and teach you coping techniques so you can heal from what happened. Some successful treatments and strategies for childhood sexual abuse include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), mindfulness meditation, experiential techniques, etc. Effective strategies for addressing childhood sexual abuse include mindfulness meditation, experiential techniques, etc. Your therapist may prescribe medication to help you with cope with nightmares, panic attacks or other effects of sexual abuse. Whoever you confide in, whether a friend or therapist, should reflect an attitude of respect for where you are in the moment. There shouldn't be any sort of implicit demand that you get over your pain and realize your abuse was then, and this is now.
Use community resources. There are a number of resources available for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. These organizations, groups, forums, and websites help you heal by linking you with people that have also experienced sexual childhood abuse and/or know how to help you cope with what happened. Join a local or online support group for childhood sexual abuse survivors. Check with your religious organization about services or resources they may offer. The National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse provides links to websites and lists of agencies that support survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Educate yourself. It can help you to understand what happened, why you feel the way you do about it, and what the long-term effects may be. Educating yourself can also help you realize that you are not alone and teach you techniques that can help your healing. Read books, journal articles, and blogs about childhood sexual abuse and how others have healed from it. Ask a professional what educational resources related to the topic do they recommend.
Caring for Yourself
Increase your self-esteem. You may have feelings of shame or that you are worthless or bad. Lowered self-esteem is one of the negative effects of childhood sexual abuse. Do things that make you feel good about yourself and increase your self-esteem so that you can heal. Keep a list of the positive and good things about you in your journal. Make it a point to read over and add to the list on a regular basis. Look in the mirror each day and remind yourself, “I am a survivor, not a victim. I love myself and am worthy of love.” When negative self-thoughts sneak into your mind, catch them and recognize them for what they are – a result of your abuse, not reality.
Have compassion for yourself. You may be feeling critical of yourself, disappointed, or may be angry at yourself for letting what happened affect you. Give yourself a break and heal from the abuse by using encouraging self-talk and being patient with yourself. Think about how you would respond to a friend in your position. How would you show that you care? What words would you use? How would you act? Treat yourself with the same compassion you would use with that friend. Give yourself the same reassurances and comfort. Tell yourself, “This is a traumatic event you are healing from. It will take time, but you are a survivor and you can do it.”
Take care of your health. Working through the trauma of being sexually abused as a child can be mentally, emotionally, and physically hard. The things you are remembering and feeling can affect your appetite, sleep patterns, and even cause chemical changes in your body. Make sure that you are taking care of your health so that you don’t develop related problems. Eat healthy, balanced meals. Survivors of sexual abuse sometimes develop eating disorders. Develop a bedtime routine so that your body knows when it is time to sleep. If you have frequent insomnia or find yourself sleeping much more than usual, it may be a sign of depression. Do something active to help relieve tension you may be feeling as well as improve your mood and reduce stress.
Have fun. Enjoy yourself, and don't let your abuser win by destroying your life. Start or continue doing things you love. Having fun will help you see the positive in life, reduce your stress and anxiety, and help you heal from what happened. Research indicates that laughing can immediately reduce tension and relieve stress. Go dancing, draw a picture, get ice cream, hike with your sister, volunteer for a good cause, and enjoy your life.
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