How to React when Your Spouse Wants to Open a Separate Bank Account

Communicating with Your Spouse

Try to stay calm. If your spouse’s request comes as a shock, you may experience a wide array of emotions. You may feel hurt or betrayed that your spouse wants their own bank account. You may also feel angry or become suspicious of their motives. However, in the moment, the best thing that you can do is to try to stay calm — and that's impossible if you are physically tense. This will help you have a productive conversation with your partner about your finances. Once you feel emotions well up, try slowly counting down from ten while taking deep breaths. By consciously breathing in and out, you'll allow air to flow into your system, which creates a chemical change that helps calm your body's anxious response.. Do your best to avoid escalating the situation with a screaming match. Whenever you're discussing with your partner, always focus on talking in the first person, without accusations. Grounding exercises can also help you calm down in the moment. The "54321" technique is a good idea. Take a few minutes to calm yourself by seeing five things, touching four things, hearing three things, touching two things and tasting one thing.

Ask your spouse why they need a separate account. After your spouse makes their request, ask them why they need the account. Talk with your partner about what the purpose is of the separate account. More importantly, discuss what it means for your relationship. You might ask things like “Why do you need a separate account?” or “What is the separate account for?” You may find that a separate account simply helps your spouse manage their money better. However, it may also be a sign of larger problems in your relationship.

Practice active listening. Be a good listener and pay attention to what your partner tells you. Listen to what they say and try not to be distracted by your own thoughts and emotions. Although this may be difficult when your emotions are high, active listening will ensure that you and your spouse communicate clearly and avoid any misunderstandings. Make eye contact. Use facial expressions and head nods to indicate that you are listening. You can also try paraphrasing. For example, "I hear you saying that you want a little financial independence. Is that right?" When you do active listening, you're focusing more of your attention on your partner. It's not only listening, it's also binding.

Keep an open mind. Although a separate bank account may trigger feelings of suspicion and distrust, there may be valid reasons for your partner’s actions. For example, if your partner is accustomed to managing their finances in a certain way, a separate account may provide them with some autonomy. Try to keep these negative thoughts at bay and keep an open mind while you discuss what a separate account means to your relationship. Try writing about why you are offended or hurt by this to gain a better understanding of your feelings. For example, you may be harboring negative feelings of inferiority if your spouse makes more money than you do.

Make your feelings clear. It is important that you clearly communicate your emotions to your partner. Let your spouse know how their actions have affected you. If the new account is a surprise, express to them any hurt feelings that you may have, as well as any fears concerning the health of your relationship. You might say things like “This new account really worries me” or “I’m hurt that you’d open this account without talking to me.” Lack of communication is one of the biggest challenges in relationships. The longer you spend without really saying how you're feeling, the more upset you will be.

Follow up with your spouse. After you have your initial conversation, make a point to talk about it more in the future. Do not simply have the initial discussion and then never broach the subject again. Ask your partner to talk with you about the account after you have had some time to think about it. This will allow your emotions to settle a little, which can give you some perspective. For example, pick a time a few days after your initial discussion to revisit the subject. If you are still upset about the separate account, you might want to meet at home to avoid creating a scene in public. You might say something like “Can we talk about this more tomorrow?” or “I think that we need to talk about this more in the future.”

Moving Forward Together

Talk about your financial goals. In order to avoid any financial surprises, you should have frank and honest conversations with your partner about your values and financial goals. Talk about what you want to save for, how you envision your finances being managed, and how each of you will contribute to the household income. Although you do not need to agree on everything, you should try to come to a consensus on how to manage your money. You should ask your partner things like “What things do we want to save for?” and “How much should we save for retirement?”

Discuss your finances regularly. Besides conversations about your financial goals, you should talk about your finances on a regular basis. Sit down and talk with your partner about your bills, savings, and other assets that you are managing. It is important that you and your spouse are honest about what resources you have and how you are actively managing your finances. If you have children, then doing this can also set a good example for them. For example, once a month, make time to meet with your partner and just talk about your finances.

Manage your finances together. As a couple, you and your partner should put together a household budget. Then you should sit down together and balance your budget every month. This will ensure that you are both invested in and aware of what is going on with your finances. For example, after you have been paid but before you pay your major bills, you and your spouse should set a time to manage your resources each month. There are helpful free digital tools available for managing finances, such as Budget Pulse.

Have joint and separate accounts. One easy way to maintain financial transparency is by opening joint and separate banking accounts. Put your money for bills and other shared expenses in a joint account, which you both manage. Then decide on how much money will go into separate accounts for individual spending. This will help you manage your household expenses while maintaining some autonomy. Although the accounts may be separate, you should consider putting both of your names on the accounts in case one of you becomes incapacitated.

Maintain transparency. Make sure that you and your partner are able to see each other’s accounts. Although you may find that separate and shared accounts are more practical for your relationship, you and your partner should still be able to look at how each of you are managing your money. A little transparency will help you build trust and keep you on the same page financially. However, it is important that you manage this transparency responsibly. Try not to become too critical of your partner’s personal spending habits or attempt to control how they spend their money. As long as they are not affecting your shared income, you should still respect their autonomy. If your partner is too critical or controlling about how you manage your individual finances, let them know that you are capable of making your own decisions. Say something like “I can take care of myself” or “I’d appreciate it if you’d trust me.”

Maintaining Separate Bank Accounts

Divide expenses fairly. If you and your partner decide to have separate accounts, it is important that you find an equitable means of dividing household expenses. When you put together your household budget, talk with your partner about how much they can contribute to your shared expenses. It is important that you come to a consensus on how much each of you will contribute to your joints expenses each month. For example, if your shared expenses are $2,000, make sure that you and your partner each contribute $1,000 from your personal accounts. If one of your makes more money than the other, the person who makes more may need to pay a larger portion of the shared expenses. Talk about this to avoid any resentments or hard feelings.

Deposit funds evenly. Whenever you or your partner receives any extra income that you did not budget for, say from a work bonus or as a gift, you should find a way to split the money equitably. Talk with your partner about what accounts the money should be deposited in. Just as you need to divide all expenses evenly, you should also find equitable ways of divvying up extra income. For example, if your partner gets a bonus, you may decide to keep half of the money in your partner’s account and put the rest in your joint savings account.

Save remaining balances. In addition to your budgeted joint savings, you and your partner might also consider saving money from your individual accounts. At the end of the month, you and your partner may decide to put the remaining balances from your individual accounts into a shared savings account. This will ensure that withdrawing from the savings account is a mutual decision. For example, if you have a remaining balance of $100 in your personal account at the end of the month, deposit it in your shared savings account.