Trust your intuition.
You know the people in your life better than you might know. If you have a creeping suspicion that you’re being lied to, you’re probably on to something. People are generally pretty good at picking up on deceit—especially when they know what “normal” behavior looks like in a person. If you think someone important in your life is being less than forthright, it’s worth exploring what’s going on. It is possible for your intuition to be wrong. There may be something going on in someone’s life that’s causing them to behave erratically, or they may be acting secretively because they’re trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you. Don’t jump to conclusions just yet, but recognize that your feelings are valid and if you think something is going on, it probably is.
Check to see if their story changes.
If their narrative shifts in minor ways, they’re likely telling a bigger fib. It’s hard for a liar to keep track of all of the details in their lies, and they may end up changing their story or mixing up details. If you think they’re lying about a specific event, keep track of the way they explain or walk you through what happened. If the stories don’t line up quite right or they add/remove details, they’re probably lying. If you catch someone in a small lie, it’s a sign that they’re okay with big lies. Don’t let them dismiss changes in their story as “misremembering” or “making a mistake.” For example, if your partner says they were getting Mexican food last night before coming home but they later say “I came straight home last night,” it’s a sign they’re losing track of their lies. This is especially nefarious if they try and convince you that you’re going crazy or misremembering what they said. This is known as gaslighting, and it’s a major red flag if you’re in a romantic relationship with someone. It may come off a little confrontational, but you could always ask them to tell a story in reverse. A liar won’t be able to correctly re-tell the story backwards a lot of the time.
Note any general avoidance.
People tend to shy away from scenarios where they know they’re going to lie. If they seem disinterested in facing a conversation, talking to you about something important, or discussing something they did, it’s a big sign that they may have something to hide. Truth-tellers rarely have a hard time talking about a subject, but if they seem to disappear whenever you’re supposed to talk, it’s a big signal they’re lying. Here are a few signs to look for to spot a liar in a relationship: Brushing off the conversation and saying, “We’ll talk about it later.” Speaking in generalizations rather than using specific details. Trying to change the subject Turning the conversation back on you Using lots of unclear pronouns (i.e. saying “them” instead of a person’s name). Hesitating and pausing a long time before giving an answer.
Pay attention to any phone hiding.
In romantic relationships, pay attention to how they handle their phone. If they set their phone down with the screen facing up when you’re around, it’s a sign they’re comfortable with you seeing any notifications that pop up. If they set it screen-side down though, they may be trying to hide something. Another thing to note is whether they ever leave their phone in the open. If they always pocket it—even if they’re just going to the bathroom or going to grab a snack while the two of you watch a movie—they may be lying or hiding something. Asking to see a partner’s phone is always a risky gambit. On one hand, if they’re not hiding anything and you don’t approach the question kindly and with compassion, they may take your request as a slight or invasion of privacy. Don’t assume they’re cheating on you if you don’t have any evidence outside of the way they handle their phone.
Test them by changing the subject.
During a tough conversation, try switching the subject to something benign. If you’re discussing a potential lie or you’ve taken the first step in calling out dishonesty and they’re not giving in, try changing the subject. If they were lying, they’ll be relieved to get off of the topic and they’ll relax immediately. If they aren’t lying, they’ll likely want to keep talking about the controversial subject to prove their innocence. For example, if you’re in a heated argument with your boyfriend over them hanging out with their ex, try saying, “Hey, by the way, what should we eat tonight? Want to order in?” If they say, “What? Who cares about that right now. I wasn’t hanging out with Jessica!” They may be telling the truth. If you’re talking to a friend who you think is lying about not inviting you to a party, try randomly asking them if you left a hoodie at their place, or if you have any homework for Chemistry or something. They’ll latch on to your question and ask follow-ups if they’re being dishonest.
Watch out for counter-accusations.
A liar will try flipping the scenario back on you. If a liar thinks they’re being called out on their deceit, they may try throwing out counter-claims to reverse the momentum of the conversation. If they start reaching to try and accuse you of whatever they suspect you’re accusing them of doing, it’s a major red flag that you’re not being truthful. For example, if you think your wife may be hiding money from you and you ask if she has any cash set aside in a secret account, she might say, “I’m upfront about everything. What about you? Let’s take a look at your bank statements! I bet you’re hiding something.” This could also take the form of a absolutism. If you mention that you’re upset you think your mom forgot your birthday and she’s claiming she didn’t, your mother might say, “Well, you forgot Mother’s Day last year. What about that?”
Take Freudian slips as a potential sign.
If they “misspeak” in a conversation, it may give them away. Most people naturally get into a conversational flow where they don’t think too hard about every single thing they’re saying. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is being dishonest, they may slip up and accidentally tell the truth during a longer conversation. if they have multiple mix-ups or they keep saying, “Sorry, I mean…” they may be trying to pull one over on you. For example, if they say, “…and then after the party, Michelle and I…I mean, Sandy and I. Sorry, Michelle wasn’t there,” it is indeed likely that Michelle actually was there.
Ask a bunch of follow up questions.
A liar may not hold up to a flurry of additional questions. If you think someone is in the middle of a lie, get curious. Ask a bunch of questions regarding the story they’re telling you. If they get mixed up, misspeak, can’t answer a question, or start stuttering and fumbling, they may be actively trying to lie to you. If you’re trying to figure out whether your son went to a party was last night, you could ask: “Who were you with?” “Where did you go?” “What time did you get home?” and, “How much money did you spend?” If you think your husband may be dishonest about going to dinner last night, you might ask: “What did you order?” “Where did you eat?” or, “Did you see anyone last night?” Try to ask the same question multiple times. Just go, “Oh, I forgot already, who did you say you were with?” If they give you slightly different answers, they’re probably telling a fib.
See if they raise their voice or ramble.
How someone talks is just as important as what they say. A liar may overcompensate for their dishonesty by rambling a lot or talking over you. Often, they’ll raise their voice a bit as a defense mechanism as well. You know how this person normally talks, so note any odd changes in their speech patterns and volume. These changes in their speech could be indicators that they’re being less than truthful. They may even repeat certain phrases or words over and over again. If your partner keeps saying, “I didn’t cheat! I didn’t cheat!” or your mother keeps saying, “I totally support your decision. I have nothing but support for your decision,” it’s a sign they’re lying. They may even use more contractions than normal. For example, instead of saying “I did not do that,” they’ll likely say, “I didn’t do that.” It can be hard to tell a lie, and the contractions are a sign they’re rushing through it because they’re uncomfortable.
Follow their eyes.
Liars will often look away if they’re being untruthful. If your partner is usually in the habit of making eye contact when they talk to you but they suddenly start shifting their eyes or looking away, it may be a sign of dishonesty. It’s hard to look at someone when you’re intentionally lying, so a liar may alternate between making eye contact and looking down or away from you while you talk. A lot of the traditional signs of lying (looking away, standing defensively, fidgeting, etc.) aren’t always super accurate. Research over the past several years indicates that these signs aren’t universal, so just keep that in mind. Occasionally, people will look off in the distance when they’re thinking really hard or trying to consider how to phrase something. If they look off when you ask them a question but then they snap back to making normal eye contact, they were probably just thinking about what you said. If they’re a pathological liar, they may stare directly at you without blinking or looking away at all. Uncomfortably long eye contact may also indicate they’re lying.
Look out for a defensive stance.
A liar may give their stiff up with their body language. If your partner is lying, they’re likely going to feel kind of uncomfortable about it. This can cause them to cross their arms to cover their chest, or hold their neck. They may also angle their body to face away from you, or cross their legs like they really need to pee. Some people will even shuffle their feet or bounce their knee up and down. Pay close attention to the way they sit or stand to see if they might be lying. If they physically move away from you (i.e. they back up a bit, or they try walking away) while you’re in the middle of talking to them, it’s another big sign they’re not being truthful.
Note any fidgeting.
If someone is lying, pay attention to what they do with their hands. When you have a normal conversation with someone, you likely find a comfortable place for your hands and leave them there. A liar will twiddle their thumbs, pick up some object to play with it, or start touching their ears, nose, and mouth. If you notice they can’t seem to keep their hands still, it might be an indicator that they’re being dishonest. They may also point a lot, especially if they’re trying to turn the tables on you by accusing you of doing something. They might also make lots of eye contact, scratch their nose, rub their neck, or try not to blink when they're feeling uncomfortable.
Understand why someone might lie.
Often, it’s easier to lie than to tell the truth. People often convince themselves that there’s nothing wrong with telling a tiny lie. The problem is that this becomes habitual. A small lie begets another one, and then you have to tell other lies to cover the first set of lies you told. By the end, you may be telling dozens of lies. It may not even be intentional some of the time. It’s important to recognize that someone in your life may not be doing this to hurt your feelings, and it’s not always a sign that they don’t care about you. Sometimes, people tend to talk themselves out of seeing a lie because it’s easier to pretend like the problem doesn’t exist. If possible, try to take a step back from your own feelings about a situation and look at people’s behavior from a more objective perspective.
Consider letting white lies go.
Certain lies aren’t necessarily a problem if you can accept them. Everyone tells a little white lie every now and then. A white lie refers to a harmless lie, typically told to spare someone’s feelings. If someone in your life occasionally tells a minor lie to spare your feelings, it may not be worth spending any energy on it. In a way, white lies are a sign that someone cares about you since it requires empathy to recognize that something might upset you and compassion to try and make you feel better. The classic example is, “Does this dress make me look fat?” The truth might hurt someone’s feelings, and no good is normally going to come from telling someone that an outfit they’re excited about isn’t particularly flattering. If someone is telling you big lies, or they’re lying to you for some reason other than to spare your feelings, it’s definitely worth addressing it.
Confront them if you’re sure they’re lying.
If you have evidence of dishonesty, call them out on it. The best way to do this is to be straight up, present your evidence, and keep it calm and rational. Don’t act like you’re angry (even if you are) if you want them to spill the beans and open up about it. If they do admit it, you can work forward from there. If they don’t, you can choose whether you want to walk away from the relationship, or reevaluate whether you’ve got the right read or not. You might confront your partner by saying, “Look, I’m not mad, but I need to know the truth. You’ve told me three different stories about what happened last night, and you won’t stop fidgeting and looking away. What’s going on?” You could confront a dishonest friend by saying, “I know you said you couldn’t come to my party because you were sick, but you’ve been avoiding me and mentioned you went out that night. Why didn’t you show up?” You could say something like, "Hey I remember you telling me this, and I found out that this isn't true. What was the reason you told me this when it's obviously not true?" If the lie isn’t that important, you don’t have to call them out if you don’t want to. Just keep this information in the back of your mind. If they’re willing to lie to you about something unimportant, they’re probably willing to lie to you about the big stuff, too.
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