How to Stay Calm in an Argument

Diffusing Tension

Be mindful of your body language. Your opponent may get the wrong impression of you if you exhibit aggressive body language. You could come off as mad or even snobby if you aren’t mindful of what you are doing. Crossing your arms, pursing your lips, and slouching could give you an angry appearance, even if you aren’t. Instead, stand straight up, place your arms in a neutral position, and keep your face relaxed.

Make a joke. Laughing during an argument sounds counterintuitive, but it can actually help you to calm down and stay in control. Plus, cracking up releases hormones in the body that prevent you from feeling extra stressed. For instance, you might say, "Whoa, the tension in here is so thick, I could spread it on my toast." Consider who you are arguing with before you pull out the comedy routine. Your goal isn’t to make anyone more upset. Rather, it’s to calm down a tense situation.

Keep your voice down. You feel your stress level rise and you want to be heard, but resist the urge to get loud. Yelling causes you and the person you disagree with to both become upset, potentially unnecessarily. Instead, think about how you would want the opposition to speak to you. Then do your best to communicate in that manner, even if the person is yelling at you. EXPERT TIP Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.” Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist One of my favorite techniques for listening during an argument is called “reflective listening.” Each person takes turns speaking for a maximum of 60 seconds. Then, the other person repeats back to them what they just said in a tone that conveys a reasonable person could feel that way (so no judgment or sarcasm). This can help remind both people that, even though you're arguing, you still respect each other's viewpoints.

Use “I” statements. It’s natural to feel attacked when someone seems to point the blame at you. Your first instinct is to become defensive and instantly stressed. Stop this from happening, and keep yourself calm by choosing words that lessen the feelings of being accused. For example, say “I felt disrespected by what you said” instead of “You always disrespect me.” Using “I” statements allows you to get something off of your chest without directly putting the blame on someone.

Keep perspective. Ask yourself if the disagreement is really worth getting upset about. Chances are, it is not. Keep this in mind when you start to feel your temper rising. It can help you prevent the situation from getting out of hand. For example, if this argument isn't really going to change how you feel about the other person, don't let it. Remember that you care about them, and this is just a misunderstanding.

Starting on Good Terms

Prepare yourself mentally. Attempt to get in the right head space if you know an argument is about to ensue. You can train your brain to stay calm in just about any situation, whether you’re facing the boss about work troubles or heading home to a heated discussion. Look online for games and puzzles that encourage and train mental flexibility. Engaging in these activities regularly can help you stay calm under pressure. For example, if you had a heated discussion with your partner at lunch, and you promised to finish the discussion later, you may anticipate a disagreement later. Use the time in between to prepare yourself for the discussion.

Consider the other person's point of view. It's important to know your audience before walking into a debate. To consider how to present your point of view to them the most effectively, think about who they are—your boss, colleague, parent, friend—and base your case from there. For instance, you may want to act more formal with your boss than you would your parent. On the other hand, your friend may respond to a softer and more personable approach.

Decide what you’re going to say. Create the potential conversation in your head and ask yourself how the person will likely respond. Preparing your comebacks ahead of time can help you feel more confident and less stressed going in. Also come up with a few fact-based statements that can help your argument end on a positive note. For example, you might choose to say, "We are on the same side here." or "We love each other, so I know we can come to an agreement."

Start with a resolution in mind. One of the benefits of heading into an argument you know you’re about to face is having the ability to think about how to solve the problem ahead of time. Suggest ways you could possibly explore solutions, if you can’t think of anything solid on your own. For instance, you might say, "Why don't we both take 20 minutes to jot down some possible solutions? We can meet back up and go over what we came up with. How does that sound?"

Maintaining Your Composure

Take deep breaths. Along with giving you a moment to take a break, deep breaths help your body to decompress. Breathing deeply brings more oxygen into the lungs, which activates the body's natural relaxation response. Pay attention to your breaths as you are taking them. Concentrate on how the breaths make your body feel rather than the argument itself.

Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Stuffing down your emotions in the middle of a fight usually results in outbursts that you may soon regret. Instead, recognize what you are feeling. Then you can remove the intense emotions you are experiencing and think more rationally and clearly. For example, you can tell yourself, “Yes, I’m angry. But it will soon go away and I’ll stop feeling so upset.” Saying this can help you to feel more comfortable knowing that this emotion will soon disappear. If you can’t get your anger under control, wait until later to have the conversation.

Use your senses. Touching and looking at objects during an argument can help to keep you calm. Noticing the sensations you feel can help you to stop thinking about how upset you are, allowing you to focus on what is going on instead of your emotions. For example, touch a table or chair around you and pay attention to how it feels. Look at a picture on the wall in the distance to help you feel like you have more space than what you actually do. This can help you feel less cornered and under pressure.

Smile. Flashing a genuine smile during the disagreement can help to put you and the other person at ease. Take a moment to grin when the argument calms down some. It can relax the both of you and your kindness may help the situation resolve.