Nesting Partners: What They Are & How They Work

• In polyamory, a nesting partner is a romantic or sexual partner who you live with.
• Nesting partners can be married or unmarried, share finances, and even raise children together.
• It’s possible to have more than one nesting partner. For instance, 3-person couples, called “throuples,” can live together as nesting partners.

What is a nesting partner?

In polyamory, a nesting partner is a partner you live with. This could mean that you own a house or rent an apartment together, split finances, and even share a bed like many monogamous couples do. Or, you could simply live under the same roof but have separate bedrooms and only see each other occasionally. It all depends on the arrangement you choose. In polyamory, relationships don’t necessarily follow a strict path or develop in conventional ways. Living with a polyamorous partner doesn’t automatically mean that the relationship is “serious,” nor does living apart mean that a partner is less important to you.

How Nesting Partners Work

Nesting partners might share a home, but the intimacy can vary. Some nesting partners live like couples and practice “kitchen table polyamory,” spending lots of time together as a family. This can include sharing meals, traveling together, and meeting each other’s relatives. Others may live more like roommates who share sexual chemistry, but don’t necessarily prioritize spending time together. Some nesting partners may not have sex at all, or may only engage in sex in specific situations, such as with a third partner. In polyamory, there are no hard rules for when sex is or isn’t allowed (apart from setting boundaries, practicing safe sex, and getting consent).

A person can have one nesting partner, or several. Throuples—a.k.a., three-person couples—might cohabitate, sleeping in the same bed and sharing the same space. Larger polyamorous groups, known as polycules, can share a house with multiple bedrooms. And even casual partners can live under one roof as nesting partners if they want to. Having multiple nesting partners doesn’t mean that everyone is romantically or sexually involved with everyone else. For example, three nesting partners can live together in which one person dates the other two, but those other two do not date each other.

Nesting partners can be married, but they don’t have to be. Some married couples transition from monogamy to polyamory, becoming nesting partners by default. Other poly people choose to marry and live with one of their partners—even if other partners live with them too. But some nesting partners aren’t married and don’t want to be. Nesting partners might get married for the same reasons monogamous people do: love, family, finances, and social respect. But it’s not a requirement.

Nesting partners can raise kids together. Some nesting partners might live with their children, raising them together as a family. In such cases, their kids might have more than two parents or see their parent’s partners as immediate family members. Polyamorous parents benefit from having more support in raising their kids. Having extra partners means the work is divided among more people, giving everyone more time to rest and take care of each other.

Nesting partners can also be primary or anchor partners. A primary partner is a partner you prioritize over others. For instance, you might be more romantically involved with a primary partner or see them much more often. Meanwhile, an anchor partner plays an extra-important role in your life, such as being a co-parent to your children. If you choose to live with a primary or anchor partner, they would also be a nesting partner. Primary partners are found in hierarchical polyamory, where certain relationships are considered more important than others. This is distinct from non-hierarchical polyamory, where all partners are considered equally important and nobody is your “primary” partner.

Is a nesting partner right for you?

Examine your feelings for signs that you want a nesting partner. For instance, do you find yourself imagining living with romantic partners? Are you comfortable sharing finances, discussing boundaries, and resolving conflicts by talking things through? Do your partners feel the same way? If so, then having a nesting partner—or several—might work well for you. Before moving into together, it’s important to make sure you’re all on the same page. Talk to your partners openly about finances, living arrangements, and so on. Communicate boundaries and rules for bringing other partners home, and for dating in general.

Make sure you’re on good terms with everyone you’ll be living with. For instance, will you be living with one partner, or two? Or three? Are you all romantically involved with each other, or are you platonic with some but not others? Think about how these dynamics will affect your day-to-day life and your relationships with your nesting partners. Remember that relationships change over time. Partners grow closer, break up, move in, move out, and so on. You’ll have to work closely with your partners to adjust to changes as they occur.

Make sure that everyone agrees on a relationship structure. Will you be practicing hierarchical or nonhierarchical polyamory? Will your nesting partners be primary partners? How will you accommodate new partners, casual encounters, and so on? Are you raising children, or planning to have any? What about STIs, pregnancy, and safe sex? Think about these questions and more, and always be honest with yourself and your partners. Read more about polyamory to help you set expectations, resolve disagreements, and navigate your relationships. There are some excellent books to help with this.