- Conversational narcissism occurs when one person dominates a conversation.
- Conversational narcissism is not the same thing as narcissistic personality disorder, which is a formal diagnosis involving multiple symptoms.
- Signs of conversational narcissism include excessively steering the conversation back to oneself and showing disinterest when the other person speaks.
What is conversational narcissism?
Conversational narcissism is when one person dominates a conversation. This person will excessively self-focus, leaving no room for anyone else’s contributions. They’ll likely talk a lot more than you’re talking, and when you do try to talk, they’ll find ways to cut you off and regain control of the conversation. They might also be dismissive or disinterested when you’re speaking.
Conversational narcissism isn't the same as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is a mental health condition that requires a formal diagnosis by a professional. It’s normal to show some narcissistic tendencies occasionally, and this doesn't necessarily indicate NPD. For example, someone could struggle with conversational narcissism without meeting the full criteria for NPD. Conversational Narcissism on its own would not be enough to indicate that someone has NPD. A formal diagnosis of NPD requires multiple severe, frequent, and long-lasting symptoms.
Conversational narcissism could be a sign of NPD, however. At least 5 NPD symptoms need to be present in order to meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis. These include an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of understanding for other people’s needs and feelings. Narcissists also lack intersubjectivity, meaning that they think their reality is the only reality. If you think someone in your life might have NPD, check out this guide on how to identify a narcissist. If you’re having a hard time with someone who's been diagnosed with NPD, check out this guide on how to deal with a narcissist. Most narcissists are unaware of their behavior, and they would never classify themselves as narcissists. This can make it tough to confront them.
Signs of Conversational Narcissism
They're talking a lot more than you are. Conversational narcissists have a hard time taking turns in a conversation. They’ll likely hog the floor, leaving little room for your input or contributions. If you’re only able to squeeze in an “Uh huh” here and there, rather than real, thoughtful responses, you’re likely dealing with a conversational narcissist. Pay attention to how much they're talking, and think about whether or not they're giving you time to respond. If it feels like they're monologuing and you’re just a supporting character, they might be a conversational narcissist.
They aren’t encouraging your responses. Conversational narcissists underuse a tactic called the support-response, which encourages the other person in the conversation to talk. Inviting you to give your opinion or asking about your own experiences are examples of support responses. If the person you’re talking to doesn’t encourage you to participate in the conversation, it could be a sign of conversational narcissism. Look out for the presence or absence of support responses. Here are some examples of what they might look like: “Have you ever experienced something similar?” “I’m not sure what to do about it. Do you have any advice?” “So that’s my opinion—what do you think?”
They’re always steering the conversation back to themselves. Conversational narcissists use something called a shift-response to make sure the attention is always on them. The shift-response involves constantly steering the focus of a conversation back to oneself. If you tell a story about your life, they’ll somehow find a way to relate it to their own experience. They might even interrupt you while you’re speaking, so they can get a hold of the reins and keep talking. Do they always find a way to “relate” to something you’re saying, even if they haven’t experienced it themselves? Do they use this to regain control of the conversation and get themselves talking again? If so, you're probably dealing with a conversational narcissist.
They try to one-up you. When you tell them about something you accomplished, they say that they’ve actually done something way more impressive. When you share a difficult experience you’ve been through, they say that they’ve survived something a lot tougher. If the person you’re talking to consistently one-ups you or puts you down, they’re showing signs of conversational narcissism. Assess the ways your conversation partner responds to your statements. Do they ask you for more information and affirm your feelings? Or do they find a way to make it about themselves and belittle you? If the conversation is feeling like a competition, conversational narcissism might be to blame.
They seem bored or disinterested when you’re talking. It’s common for conversational narcissists to glaze over when someone else speaks. This is because they’re just waiting for their chance to start talking again, rather than truly ingesting what you’re saying. If someone consistently looks like they’re bored or zoning out when you’re speaking, this could be a sign of conversational narcissism. Study their body-language. Are they making eye contact, or looking off somewhere into the distance? Are they nodding and reacting to what you say, or are they wearing a blank expression?
How to Respond to Conversational Narcissism
Stand your ground. If a conversational narcissist tries to interrupt you, simply keep talking until you’ve finished your thought. This may feel a little awkward at first, as there will likely be a few seconds of talking over each other. Remember, conversational narcissists can be oblivious to their frustrating behavior, so it might take a few tries for them to get the hint. Try not to raise your voice or express anger or agitation. Instead, calmly finish speaking as if you haven’t heard the interruption. If you feel uncomfortable continuing without acknowledging the interruptor, say, “One second, I’m still finishing my story.” Then continue on.
Confront the speaker. You might be tempted to ignore or excuse their behavior because you don’t want to be rude, but it’s actually rude of them to dominate the conversation. You’re completely justified in calling them out. If you’re talking to someone who consistently shows signs of conversational narcissism, talk to them about it confidently and directly. Use “I” statements to address the situation without making them feel attacked. “I feel frustrated because I can’t get through the story I’m trying to tell. The interruptions make me feel like you don’t care about what I’m saying.” “I’m trying to contribute to the conversation, but I don’t feel like you’re interested when I’m talking.” “I’ve enjoyed hearing your perspective, but the conversation feels a little one-sided, and I’d like to share my perspective too.”
Be honest. Sometimes, in the middle of their monologue, a conversational narcissist might ask, “Am I talking too much?” If this happens, be honest and gently tell them that they are. You might be tempted to excuse them to avoid any awkwardness, but at the end of the day, this doesn’t help either of you. They won’t know that they need to change their habits, and you’ll be stuck in a one-sided conversation. Remember, a healthy conversation is a two-way street, and you deserve to say your piece, too! Here are some ways you can respond when they ask if they’re talking too much: “Thank you for asking! I love your enthusiasm, but yes, maybe just a little bit.” “Actually yes, thank you for bringing that up. I do feel like I’m struggling a bit to get a word in.”
Assert boundaries. If someone close to you is a conversational narcissist, establish boundaries to promote healthy conversations. It's easy to feel powerless when dealing with someone who exhibits narcissistic behaviors, but it's important to remember that you have the power to define the relationship, too. Tell them you’ll end conversations in the future if they engage in frustrating behavior, like one-upping, belittling, or interrupting you. If you run into them in public, set a time-limit on your conversation. Tell them you only have 10 minutes to talk, and when the time is up, kindly (but firmly) tell them you have to go.
Reduce your responsiveness. If you’re not comfortable using one of the more direct methods, you could be less responsive in conversations to get your point across. If they’re telling a long winded-story, give shorter, more disinterested responses, rather than asking them for more details. Remember, a conversational narcissist wants to keep talking, and they likely can’t regulate their own behavior. You might be tempted to show interest and give animated responses to be polite, but they’ll see this as a green flag to keep talking. A short “uh huh” or a blank facial expression could help them get the hint that they’re talking too much.
Invite someone else to join the conversation. Bringing another speaker in might spread the attention around, which could combat the conversational narcissist’s attention-seeking efforts. If you’re at a social gathering, call out to someone else and bring them into the conversation. Here are some things you can say to flag another person down: “That’s really interesting—I wonder what John thinks of that. John, we were just saying…” “Katie actually told me a similar story recently. Katie, weren’t you just telling me about that time…”
Leave the conversation. If your efforts to redirect the conversational narcissist are unsuccessful, you might need to end the conversation. It can be tiring to talk to a conversational narcissist, and it’s completely normal to run out of steam. If you end the conversation, it doesn’t mean you’re being rude. Remember, it’s okay to take care of your needs! If you're at a social gathering, excuse yourself and say that you’re going to say hello to someone else. If you're one-on-one, say that you have to get going to make it to an appointment, or simply say you’re tired and heading home.
How to Avoid Conversational Narcissism in Your Own Life
Practice active listening. Since it’s normal to show narcissistic behavior occasionally, anyone is capable of falling into conversational narcissism from time to time. If you want to avoid conversational narcissism in your own life, work on your active listening skills. Active listening involves using engaged body language, asking questions, and making sure you take turns speaking.
Use engaged body language to show that you’re listening. Make eye-contact, face the person you’re talking to, nod your head, and react with animated facial expressions. These physical signals show that you’re paying attention to what your conversation partner is saying. If you’ve been looking off into the distance, focus on maintaining eye contact. If you feel like your face has gone blank, focus on responding to what they're saying with your facial expressions. Smile if they’re saying something positive, or show concern if they’re talking about something serious.
Summarize and repeat what they’ve said. After your conversation partner finishes speaking, incorporate details from what they’ve said into your response. This shows that you’ve been listening attentively, and it helps convey that you’re interested in what they have to say. Here are some examples: “So what happened after you left the grocery store? Were you able to find what you needed for the recipe somewhere else?” “It’s so wild that you ran into your old roommate. Did you have a good time catching up?” “It sounds like you were frustrated that your sister couldn't make it to your party. Did you end up working things out?”
Ask thoughtful questions. Asking for more detail encourages the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. This shows that you’re interested in what they’re saying, and it helps combat any tendency you might have to shift the conversation back in your direction too early. “Wow, that sounds scary! How did you deal with it?” “I can imagine how tough that was. Are you feeling alright now?” “That sounds like such a fun day. I’d like to visit that place sometime! How did you hear about it?”
Pay attention to how much you’re talking. One of the most noticeable signs of conversational narcissism is a tendency to take up all the space in a conversation. If you find that you’re talking a lot more than your conversation partner is, it’s time to reel it in and give them a chance to speak. Remember, healthy conversation involves taking turns. Make sure you’re both able to offer your thoughts, opinions, and stories so you can have a great conversation If you realize you’ve been monologuing, shift the focus back to the other person in the conversation by asking for their opinion or perspective. If you notice that you’ve been interrupting the other person a lot, apologize and focus on waiting for them to finish their thought before you respond.
Comments
0 comment