What to Do at a Jewish Funeral for Non-Jews (Gentiles)

• Wear dark, formal clothing (a suit and tie or a modest dress or skirt). Men typically wear a yarmulke, and women may be asked to cover their hair.
• Keep conversation to a minimum and wait until the family is sitting shiva (a mourning period after burial) to offer them your condolences.
• Follow the rabbi’s instructions at graveside ceremonies (you may be asked to help bury the casket, but this is not always open to non-family members).

Be prepared to clear your schedule when you get the news.

The deceased's body is typically buried within 24-48 hours of death. Jewish law requires burial as soon as possible after death, preferably within 24 hours. This means the funeral service usually happens on short notice (unlike Christian funerals, where there may be up to a week between death and burial). Cancel your immediate plans and make quick travel arrangements (if necessary) once you hear about the death. Be sure to arrive at the service on time. Traditional services usually begin as planned with little or no delay to wait for mourners. Do not send flowers or other gifts to the family or funeral home. Flowers are viewed as living, celebratory things that are inappropriate for solemn affairs like funerals. The burial might be delayed to avoid a service on Shabbat (the Jewish day of rest from sunset on Friday to nightfall on Saturday) or for legal or logistical reasons.

Wear formal, dark-colored clothing.

Jewish funerals are somber affairs, so avoid bright colors or patterns. While close family members of the deceased may wear black, it isn’t required for other mourners. Feel free to wear dark colors like gray, brown, or navy. Opt for a suit and tie if you’re a man, or a modest dress or skirt if you’re a woman. Slacks or dress pants are also acceptable for women to wear unless the funeral is at an Orthodox synagogue, in which case a dress or skirt is more appropriate. Wear comfortable shoes suitable for walking on grass if you’re invited to attend a graveside service. A traditional Jewish funeral is very simple and reflective. There are usually no flowers, music, or bright decorations to distract mourners from the memory of the deceased.

Wear a yarmulke (men) or cover your hair (women).

Head coverings are traditional, though not always required. In most cases, male attendees will wear a yarmulke (also known as a yamaka or kippah)—a cloth skullcap worn by Jewish men during prayer—regardless of their faith. If you don’t have a yarmulke, the synagogue or funeral home will often provide you one. Orthodox synagogues also require women to cover their hair with a scarf or lace head covering, though this is far less common in most practices. If you must cover your hair for the funeral, use a simple, dark-colored headscarf, bonnet, or even a hat like a beret that covers most or all of the top of your head.

Grab a seat quietly when you arrive.

Keep conversation to a minimum and wait to talk to the family. Jewish funerals are quiet and mournful, and casual conversation or “catching up” with other attendees is frowned upon. From death until the funeral, the close family of the deceased is in aninut—a period of intense mourning and funeral preparation when it’s assumed they’re too busy to interact with others. During this time, only speak to the family if they address you directly first. Wait until the family is in shiva (a period of structured mourning after burial) to offer your condolences. If you’re unsure how to act at the funeral, follow the lead of others around you.

Participate in prayer if you feel comfortable.

A rabbi or family member will lead prayers with some calls and responses. The prayers may be in English or Hebrew, and as a guest, you aren’t required to say anything or participate. If you do choose to take part (such as saying “amen” at the end of a prayer), do so softly and respectfully. If you’re unsure what to say or do, simply sit quietly and listen or look at what other mourners are doing. A typical funeral lasts 30 to 45 minutes and consists of prayers, Psalms, and eulogies (similar to funerals in many other traditions). Although there are group responses in some prayers, the main responsibilities for mourners are to listen and reflect on the life of the deceased. Jewish bodies are not embalmed, so there will be no open casket viewing during the service.

Help bury the casket at graveside ceremonies.

Mourners traditionally add a shovelful of dirt to pay their respects. Whether you participate in this ritual depends on the ceremony and your relation to the deceased. Some ceremonies begin in a synagogue and move to the graveside—in this case, it’s acceptable to attend the indoor service and skip the graveside service (it’s assumed to be more private). If you attend the graveside ceremony, you may be asked to help the family shovel earth over the casket after it’s lowered. Close family will shovel first, and then attendees may add a shovelful afterward. If you’re unsure what to do, follow the directions of the rabbi or funeral director. They’ll tell you if it’s acceptable to help shovel or whether to stay seated.

Offer condolences to the family during shiva.

Shiva is a 7-day period of mourning for the deceased’s close family. Shiva begins after the burial service is complete. The family typically spends this time in the deceased’s home to process their grief and bereavement while others look after them (the family does not work or prepare food, and they sit in low chairs or stools to express mourning). Visit the family to offer your sympathies or provide a meal during this time, or send a condolence letter if you’re unable to visit in-person. Do not send flowers or gifts during shiva, as they’re seen as a distraction from the family’s grief. Instead, send a fruit basket or meat platter, plant a tree in honor of the deceased, or make a donation to a charity indicated by the family.