Signs He May Not Love You
He doesn’t initiate contact. Healthy relationships require that both partners reach out to connect a roughly even amount. If you’re always the one texting first or trying to make plans, it could signify your levels of investment in one another are mismatched. Ask yourself: if you didn’t reach out to him first or try to plan a date or hangout, would he? If the answer is no, it may be a sign he’s not focused on making a relationship work.
You don’t feel like you’re a priority. It can be hard to juggle a relationship, family, work, friends, and personal passions, but if you’re a priority, you’re a priority, full stop. If he doesn’t make you feel like you’re as important as the other people or concerns in his life, he may not be in a position to commit, or he may not be invested. “If she needs him for something reasonable and he's not showing up,” Dating Coach John Keegan says, “if she wants to set up a date with him throughout the week and he'd rather be with his friends—these are obviously red flags that he's not all in on this, and that he's not really in love.”
He isn’t interested in taking the relationship to the next level. Saying “I love you” on a first date is generally a no-go, but if you’ve been together for months or even years and you feel like you don’t have a real sense of where the relationship is heading, it could mean it’s not really heading anywhere. For instance, if he resists saying “I love you,” doesn’t seem interested in meeting your friends or family after a few weeks or months, or refuses to give a concrete answer about what he’s looking for in a relationship, it may be a red flag. As Dating Coach Cher Gopman says, “[Are they] talking about, maybe not marriage, [but] vacation a few months from now? Are they talking about different things they want to do with you? All of those are signs [he loves you].”
He doesn’t share information about himself. Love involves sharing pieces of yourself, being vulnerable, and developing a solid connection built on mutual trust and honesty. If he avoids sharing personal information about himself—such as his history, his likes and dislikes, or his goals and fears—it’s a sign he may not be emotionally available, and therefore not in a position to be in a committed, loving relationship.
He doesn’t factor you into the future. Someone who loves you will consider you when making plans, whether they’re in two weeks or 20 years, and will discuss them with you. If being with you doesn’t seem to have any bearing on his future plans, it’s a sign he may not be invested in the relationship—or, at the very least, that he’s only thinking of himself. Similarly, if you try to make plans and he avoids committing, it’s a sign he doesn’t feel confident you’ll be together in the future, or that you’re not a priority.
He doesn’t put effort into the relationship. Relationships are two-way streets. If you feel as if you’re the only one making the effort to keep your connection strong or cultivate intimacy, it can be really lonely and frustrating. If your partner or crush doesn’t seem to be trying to make things work between you both, it could indicate he’s not interested in making them work.
He dismisses your feelings or ideas. Someone who loves you will not only pay attention and value your emotions and opinions—they’ll actively seek them out and show they’re curious about you as an individual. If he doesn’t seem interested in your feelings or if he rejects or belittles them, it’s a sign he doesn’t respect you, and respect is one of the cornerstones of love.
He doesn’t support you when you need it. Whether you’re still in the talking phase or you’re actively involved in a relationship, if he isn’t reliable when you’re sick or going through a rough time, it’s a sign he’s not committed. Reliability is a necessity for a relationship to function smoothly, and if he won’t take care of you when you’re sick or be a shoulder to cry on when you’ve had a tough day at work, he’s likely not the one. This is especially true if he seems to expect or demand support from you when he won’t or can’t offer it himself. “Are they listening to you…when you tell them ‘I have an important day coming up’ [or] ‘I have a big meeting’? Are they calling to see how that meeting went? They know that you love this certain meal—are they trying to make sure you have that? Are they doing the little things that are important to you…? Are they being very caring for you?” These are signs, according to Gopman, that someone is really invested and committed.
He insults you. A man who criticizes you—your personality, your body, your ideas—doesn’t deserve your time and attention. Real love means respecting your partner and celebrating who they are, even if they change over time. Criticizing isn’t the same as offering respectful critiques—after all, nobody is perfect, and in a healthy relationship, each partner is able to communicate hard truths to one another. What’s the difference between criticizing and critiquing? Critique is more balanced and objective, while criticism is more judgmental, personal, and intent on placing blame.
He doesn’t initiate physical intimacy. Almost every couple goes through sexual lulls, and it’s not inherently a problem. Stress, depression, or physical health concerns can all leave someone feeling less "in the mood" or less confident in themselves. But if you feel as if you’re consistently the only one initiating physical contact (whether sex or cuddling), it could mean he lacks (or is losing) interest in the relationship. Or, when you do have sex, if it's rare or feels perfunctory, it could be a sign he's not totally present. Keep in mind that not every relationship is 50-50 in every area—for instance, in some healthy relationships, one person is more likely to initiate sex or cuddling than the other, and it’s not always a problem. But if you feel like things used to be more even, or if this problem exists in conjunction with other signs on this list, it may indicate he’s not invested in the relationship. Consider bringing up the issue, if you haven't already: "Jay, I can't help but feel as if I'm the only one initiating sex lately, and I just want to check in. Is anything wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He doesn’t seem interested in your sexual pleasure. In a healthy partnership, both partners are considerate and attentive to one another’s needs, including sexual needs and desires (if you’re having sex). If he only seems to care about his own sexual gratification, it’s a sign he’s not respectful of your needs, desires, and comfort. If you and/or he is younger or sexually inexperienced, you may be able to chalk it up to ignorance: talking about sex is still, unfortunately, rather taboo, so there are a lot of people who don’t know how to talk about what they want or to check in to make sure their partner is enjoying what’s happening. But if he’s physically abusive, pressures you into sex, or ignores you when you ask him to stop or when you try to communicate what you want, or if this sign exists in conjunction with other signs on this list, it’s a red flag.
He shows interest in other women. It’s natural to have crushes, even when you’re madly in love with your partner. But if he prioritizes other women over you or shamelessly checks out or flirts with other women (especially around you), it’s a sign he doesn’t respect you. You deserve someone who only has eyes for you, and isn’t just waiting for “something better” to come along. Gopman says, “Are they really stepping up to the plate and being there for you, and not looking for the next best thing, but really focused on you? [If] they're really focused on you [and] they're not trying to date other people, those are all signs that they may be in love with you.”
He compares you to other women. Not only is flirting with other women a red flag, if he compares you to other women or tries to persuade you to behave or change your looks to be more like other women, he’s not the man for you. Real love means choosing the person you’re with, again and again and again, and celebrating them for who they are.
He tries to get you to change who you are. If he makes you feel guilty or embarrassed about being who you are, it’s a sign he doesn’t respect you and is rather controlling. You deserve to be truly seen and loved for all that you are, and if he makes fun of your interests or tries to pressure you into looking or acting out of your nature, it’s a pretty big red flag. There’s a difference between someone challenging their partner to be a better version of themselves versus trying to pressure them to change their character. For instance, if he encourages you to eat more fruit and vegetables to be healthier, this could be a sign he’s invested in your wellbeing (but it doesn’t mean he’s not overstepping), while a guy who encourages you to eat less to stay fit or look a certain way is likely being controlling and shallow.
He takes you for granted. In a healthy relationship, not everything is totally balanced, but duties and responsibilities are generally evenly split. If you feel your efforts in the relationship go unacknowledged or that the labor you provide isn’t reciprocated, it could indicate a lack of love and/or respect. However, it could also mean he’s just… clueless. Unfortunately, in our patriarchal society, men are often conditioned to take, while women are conditioned to give without complaint. If this dynamic sounds like it fits your relationship, it may require you to communicate that you feel the scales are unbalanced and that you feel ignored or taken for granted.
What to Do
Have an open and honest conversation with him. Whether you’re concerned the relationship has come to an end or you think it could be salvageable, it’s important that you communicate your feelings with him. Let him know how you’ve been feeling, rooting your emotions in “I” statements, and, if you believe things can be fixed between you, hear him out too. Maybe he is totally unaware of how he’s been coming off, or there’s something going on in his personal life that’s making him more distant or unable to focus on the relationship. Confronting him may be enough to jolt him back to reality, but it may also be a good idea to seek out couples therapy if the issues persist. “Dave, I’m really invested in us, but I’ve been feeling lately as if maybe you aren’t as committed. Can we talk about this?” “Jonah, I’ve been getting the sense lately that I’m not as much of a priority to you as you are to me. I don’t know if there’s something going on, or if maybe this means we aren’t on the same page, but I wanted to check in and see what you think.”
Consider ending the relationship. Some of the above signs are red flags—for instance, if he insults you, manipulates you, disrespects you, or is at all abusive, these are signs you should distance yourself from him. But others are just signs you’re just not a fit, and it’s nobody’s “fault.” “People can break up and people can still love each other, but they're not compatible,” Keegan observes. If you suspect it’s time for the relationship to end, let him know you’d like to part ways. Breaking up is never easy, but remember that it’s always better to end a relationship than to continue with someone who isn’t right for you—especially if they’re actively abusive. It may be helpful to remember that if you’re just not a good match, breaking up will not only serve you in the long run; it’ll also serve him. “Our time is so valuable,” Gopman says, “and if you don't see a future with that person…then it might be worth considering breaking up.” “Jared, I really care for you, but I just feel as if our relationship has run its course.” “Julio, we’ve shared wonderful times together, but I’m not sure it’s meant to be.” EXPERT TIP John Keegan John Keegan Dating Coach John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. John Keegan John Keegan Dating Coach There are a few subtle signs he's not invested. He doesn't want to have sex, he'd rather hang out with his friends, he's limiting the amount of time he sees you, he's not answering calls or texts like he used to, he's not being as playful as he was. Those are signs that the writing's on the wall, or that something needs to change. Quick.
Surround yourself with your support system. Whether you continue on in the relationship or call it a day, it’s important to turn to your friends and/or family for emotional support. Be sure to schedule in regular time with friends and remember you’re more than just the “you” that’s in (or was in) a relationship. Plan a night out to the movies or for drinks, or consider sharing what’s going on with a confidant you trust. You don’t have to air your dirty laundry to everyone, but it can help to confide in a trustworthy friend and get their insight into the situation and their encouragement.
Final Thoughts
You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are. If you saw yourself and your relationship in any of the above signs, it might be heartbreaking or even scary. Whether you think there’s hope for your relationship or you’ve realized it’s time to move on alone, know that you deserve nothing less than complete, selfless love, attention, and devotion. Don’t settle for anything less than that. As Gopman says, “Do they make you a better person? Do they make you happy? Do they make you better and stronger?...If the answer is no, then that might be a sign that it's time to break up, and breakups are never easy…. But the longer you're in a relationship that isn't right for you, the more [you’re] missing out on…your perfect person.”
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