Common Signs of Narcissism in Men

• Common traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in men include an inflated sense of self, a charming persona, an excessive need for praise, and low self-esteem.
• While NPD presents similarly in men and women, men may be more prone to envy and struggle more to experience empathy for others.
• In a relationship with a man with NPD, practice setting strong boundaries and prioritize your needs. It’s possible for people with NPD to change, but don’t count on this.

Common Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Men

A grandiose sense of self Perhaps the most noteworthy characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, people of all genders who suffer from NPD tend to experience a grandiose or unrealistically inflated sense of their own self-importance. A narcissistic man may consider his experience and viewpoint “more important” than others, and may crave external attention to validate that perception. This exaggerated sense of self may lead him to be arrogant or rude or to present an idealized version of himself and his accomplishments. For instance, he may take credit for someone else’s accomplishments, or he may exaggerate an anecdote to make himself seem more impressive. Men may constitute 50-75% of people with clinical NPD. However, most men and women experience NPD in the same way.

A charming persona A man with NPD's ability to spin stories to make himself seem more impressive may make him seem interesting and charming. Men with NPD tend to “love bomb” romantic partners in the early stages of a relationship. This involves being ultra charming and seductive and luring his partner in with excessive attention. Love bombing is typically associated with people with low levels of self-esteem and high levels of narcissism: it’s a way to attract a partner without being vulnerable. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Jay Reid says, "There's usually a very intense initial stage of an idealization where the...partner...feels...as though this person is...their soulmate," but love bombing tends to fade "once the bond has been established and the narcissist feels that a gradual and subtle campaign of criticism and derision can occur." According to psychotherapist Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW, narcissists tend to “attract people who are very insecure…. [T]he narcissist sort of presents…this grandiosity, which maybe makes [their partner] feel safe in a way,” but the charming exterior is just a facade.

A struggle to experience empathy Because men with NPD tend to be self-focused, this can lead to a deficit of sympathy or empathy for others. Men with NPD may not immediately realize the effect they have on others, or they may not consider their effect meaningful. Both men and women with NPD tend to experience symptoms in similar ways, but an empathy deficit tends to be magnified in men.

Low self-confidence It may seem paradoxical that a charming man with an inflated ego could have low self-confidence. In truth, many men with NPD wear a charming “mask” and have an inflated sense of their own importance because, deep down, they don’t feel lovable or worthy. This lack of self-confidence may make a man with NPD more prone to envy and jealousy. While most men and women with NPD express their symptoms in similar ways, men with NPD tend to experience envy more severely than women with NPD do.

Perfectionism Men with NPD often don’t have a clear sense of themselves or their worth, which leads them to be perfectionists in many cases. They may need things to be “just right” and get unnecessarily upset when they make a mistake and unfairly punitive when someone else does. This tendency towards perfectionism causes some men with NPD to be controlling towards others, including in romantic relationships. They may get easily upset, seemingly over nothing, and may expect their partner to act in certain ways without being instructed.

Resistance to criticism Because their sense of self is so fragile and rigidly constructed, men with NPD tend to be easily upset by criticism or perceived slights. They may respond by becoming angry or doling out the silent treatment, and often struggle to take responsibility for their behavior. Indeed, they would often rather blame others than be held accountable for their actions. Men with NPD tend to have trouble managing their emotions and behavior, and any slight (or perceived slight) can seem like an attack on their person. Because they may struggle to have empathy for someone they have wronged, it may feel as if the “attack” came from nowhere.

A need for excessive praise Because men with NPD tend to lack self-esteem underneath their confident mask, they often desire excessive external validation. Low self-esteem can lead to depression on its own, but not getting the attention or admiration they crave can lead to further disappointment and confusion. A narcissistic man's need for validation may lead to disappointment in his professional and personal life, as he doesn’t always get the attention he craves.

A desire for special favors A narcissistic man's grandiose sense of self may lead him to feel entitled to special treatment, either in his personal life or professional life. He may expect undeserved promotions or may get upset when he's expected to do things he doesn’t want to do. Due to this sense of entitlement, he may be more prone to taking advantage of others or manipulating others for his own use, but not everyone with NPD is manipulative.

How to Date a Narcissistic Man

Set strong boundaries. It’s possible to have a successful and fulfilling relationship with a narcissistic man, but it’ll likely take lots of patience and the ability to uphold strict personal boundaries. Tell your partner exactly what you expect from him and what you won’t tolerate, and be sure to follow through with what you say you’ll do. For instance, if your partner is in the habit of insulting you to make themselves feel better or more important, tell him, “It really hurts when you insult me, and I’ll walk out of the room the next time you do. I won’t tolerate it anymore.” Be sure to follow through if he does it, or else he'll realize your boundaries are negotiable.

Try to keep your expectations realistic. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Jay Reid advises knowing what clinical NPD looks like when you enter a relationship with a narcissist, and realizing that your partner "may be incapable of meeting [your] expectations. Then ultimately, it is up to [you] to decide whether or not the amount of needs or expectations that this other person can meet is satisfactory.” This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect to be treated with respect or be loved: you should, and you deserve these things from a partner. It simply means realizing that people with this condition don’t operate or view the world like most other people do, and that the risk of hurt is higher in a relationship with a narcissist.

Validate and encourage respectful behavior. Because men with NPD tend to be resistant to criticism and drawn to praise, it can help to respond to and acknowledge positive behavior with a compliment or gratitude. If your partner struggles to manage his symptoms of NPD, reinforcing non-narcissistic behavior may help him learn to be less narcissistic over time. This doesn’t mean inflating his ego with empty compliments or offering undeserved praise. Acknowledging praiseworthy behavior and withholding unnecessary or undeserved praise may help him learn to distinguish between “good” and “bad” behavior. For example: “You cleaned the kitchen—thank you so much! What would I do without you?” “It means a lot to me that you asked how my day was. You’re so sweet.”

Prioritize your needs. Men with NPD can learn to manage their behavior with effort, but try not to count on this happening. You can be patient and help him by enforcing your boundaries, but at the end of the day, it’s important to prioritize your needs over his, no matter how much he may try to persuade you to do the opposite. Particularly entitled people with NPD may anticipate that you’ll meet their needs before your own and even be confused or upset when you don’t, as they may view it as a sign that you don’t really love them. Dedicate time to personal self-care: spend some quality time alone and with friends, away from your partner; exercise and eat well; and devote energy to your hobbies and passions. Your partner may feel ignored, but don’t feel guilty.

Be prepared to walk away from the relationship. If you continue to set boundaries, and if your partner seeks therapy and perhaps medication to manage his behavior, your relationship has potential to thrive. But no relationship is easy, especially a relationship with someone with NPD, so be prepared to leave if you’re unhappy or if your partner mistreats you. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller advises using “I” statements to end your relationship, even if it’s largely due to your partner’s behavior: She says, “[I]f you point out a narcissist's flaws…it's only going to blow up. So I think it's going to be a lot of ‘I’ statements (‘I feel this relationship just is not working for me or my happiness’) rather than getting into the specifics and details about why the narcissist isn't a good partner.”

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

NPD is characterized by an unreasonably high sense of self-importance. People with NPD crave attention and external validation, and this fosters a tendency towards egotism and a lack of empathy. They may present as confident, but their egotism is largely due to an extremely fragile sense of self; they’re often upset by criticism and may have some controlling tendencies. While everyone is narcissistic from time to time, only a licensed therapist can diagnose clinical NPD. Keep in mind that though NPD can foster controlling or entitled behavior, not everyone with NPD is toxic or abusive, and many people with NPD manage their symptoms with therapy and/or medication.