Should you be concerned if your boyfriend still talks to his ex?
Your boyfriend being friends with his ex isn’t necessarily a red flag. Many people are able to maintain healthy platonic relationships with their exes, especially if they took some time apart after the break-up before becoming friends again. If your boyfriend and his ex parted ways on good terms and they’re still in touch from time to time, there’s a good chance that there’s nothing to worry about. Here are a few common reasons why exes may stay in touch (that have nothing to do with lingering romantic feelings): They started out as family friends or grew up together. If your boyfriend and his ex have been part of each others’ lives for a long time, it may have been easy for them to transition back into a platonic relationship. They’re in the same friend group. If your boyfriend and his ex share a ton of the same friends, they may want to stay on good terms to make things less awkward at social gatherings. They work together. If your boyfriend and his ex met at work, they likely need to be on speaking terms to collaborate on projects and maintain a cordial environment at the office. They share children. If your boyfriend and his ex have kids together, they need to be in contact with each other as parents, and it’s best for everyone if they have a positive, healthy relationship.
However, talking with an ex can be a cause for concern in some situations. For example, if you've been distant from each other lately and you don’t feel secure in the relationship, it may be more concerning that your boyfriend is communicating with his ex. Timing could be another issue—if he and his ex broke up right before he met you, and they never stopped talking to each other, there’s a bigger chance that lingering feelings are involved. Below, we’ll go over some red flags to look out for in more detail if you’re worried about your boyfriend’s communications with his ex.
Red Flags to Look Out For if Your Boyfriend Talks to His Ex
He’s secretive or defensive about it. Secrecy and defensiveness are common signs of emotional (or literal) affairs, so if your boyfriend acts this way about his communications with his ex, there may still be feelings involved. “A basic definition of cheating is when there’s an element of secrecy and emotional connection with another person,” explains Dr. Vossenkemper. “If the texting that’s going on entails that emotional intimacy and secrecy, then right away it falls in the affair category,” she says. For example, if you notice that your boyfriend hangs up his calls with his ex as soon as you walk in the room, or if he’s super careful to angle his phone away from you while they’re texting, these could be signs that something shady is going on.
They talk all the time. Being casually friends with an ex is one thing, but if your boyfriend is texting, snapchatting, dm-ing, calling, or FaceTiming them several times throughout the day, there’s a bigger chance that there are still romantic feelings involved. There are nuances to this, and there’s definitely a chance that your boyfriend and his ex are just really close friends. However, research does show that the more frequent the contact with an ex, the more likely the person is to be unhappy with their current partner. In other words, if he's talking to his ex night and day, it’s possible that this indicates an issue in your relationship.
They broke up very recently. If your boyfriend is friends with an ex-girlfriend he dated several years ago, there probably aren’t any lingering feelings between them. However, if he and this ex split right before he met you, the break-up is much fresher, and he may not have gotten over his feelings completely yet. Because of this, it may be a red flag if he’s in touch with a very recent ex.
You’ve been distant from each other lately. If there’s trouble in your relationship, your boyfriend’s communications with his ex may be more of a concern. Unfortunately, people who are unhappy in their current relationships are more likely to keep in touch with exes as a potential “backup,” should their current relationship not work out. If you’ve noticed that he’s pulling away from you or treating you differently, or if he seems less satisfied in your partnership, his communications with his ex may be a bad sign.
What to Do if Your Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex
Assess the situation to determine whether to confront him. It’s possible that your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex is entirely innocent, so you may want to assess things before confronting him. Dr. Vossenkemper recommends asking yourself if there have been any real signs of infidelity or dishonesty, or if you’re making assumptions. She also recommends assessing his behavior when you ask questions about his communications with his ex. Is he open and happy to explain, or does he act shifty and uncomfortable? Does he seem to be in contact with his ex for more harmless reasons, like sharing a friend group, working together, or being old family friends? Or, does his friendship with his ex seem more problematic (they recently broke up, they’re constantly talking to each other, he’s distracting himself from problems in your relationship, etc.)?
If his relationship with his ex seems harmless, focus on self-confidence. If it seems like there’s nothing to worry about and you’ve decided not to confront him, it could be a good time to work on your self-esteem. Your negative feelings about your boyfriend talking to his ex may stem from insecurities, so it may be helpful to show yourself some self-love and build up your confidence. Try reciting positive affirmations, like “I’m worthy of love,” or “I’m a kind, capable, and beautiful person.” Positive affirmations can help you feel more confident and secure in general, which may help you feel more secure in your relationship.
If you’re concerned or uncomfortable, communicate your feelings. It’s natural to feel wary or uncomfortable if your boyfriend is talking to his ex, and you’re completely justified in these feelings. If you’ve decided that something just feels off about the situation, tell him how you feel in a direct, honest way, so that you can work through it together. When confronting your boyfriend, Dr. Vossenkemper recommends using “I” statements about how you’re feeling, rather than pointing the finger or accusing him, as this can cause him to react defensively. For example, instead of saying, “You’re talking to your ex too much and you need to stop,” try something like, “I feel anxious and uncomfortable about how close you and your ex are. Can we talk about it?” Dr. Vossenkemper explains that this is called a “gentle startup,” and it helps you and your boyfriend communicate in a healthy way, rather than spiraling into an argument.
Comments
0 comment