Coping with Feeling Unheard
Find the source of your pain. Ask yourself what kind of emotional reaction you have when you don’t feel heard. For instance, you might feel resentful that other people don’t care about your ideas, or you might feel insecure because people don’t seem to approve of you. Tracking down the source of your emotional pain will reveal the underlying problem you need to fix. Label it by jotting down what you feel when this happens. Describe what's happening in your body, your thoughts, and your emotional experience. For instance, you might note, "When I'm ignored, I feel embarrassed. It's like everyone's in on a pact to ignore me. My face becomes flushed, and I have a sudden desire to punch or kick something." Later on, when you try to communicate your feelings to a partner or friend, it’s crucial to be able to name exactly why you’re feeling the way you do. Only then will the other person be able to fully understand and shift their behavior.
Ask yourself whether your expectations are reasonable. Think about how you’re approaching other people and what you’re seeking from them. Ask yourself if you would be able to respond to someone else the way you want others to respond to you. Consider that other people may have different personal boundaries than you do. Let's say you often try to get your husband's attention when he's watching a hockey game. This is notoriously a bad time and sets you both up for disappointment. “It can be helpful to ask yourself how important it actually is to focus on the negative emotions that you are experiencing,” advises clinical psychologist Michael Dickerson, PsyD. For example, Dickerson continues, “have you had these negative emotions in the past and, if so, did you eventually stop focusing on them and feel okay?”
Think about other reasons people might not be hearing you. Give other people the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that the reason you feel unheard by them may have nothing to do with you. The person you’re trying to talk to just might not be available to listen right now. Maybe they’re wrapped up in personal problems, or maybe they’re not skilled at empathizing with others. Don’t take it personally if someone you know is a bad listener. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t worth listening to. After a few attempts, consider not sharing as much with this individual. For example, your best bud might be going through a divorce, and you notice him zoning out when you're talking. His current situation at home could be interfering with his ability to be a good listener.
Take a look at your communication style. Evaluate your communication skills and your approach to talking to others. People who tend to communicate differently may struggle to feel understood. For instance, if you speak in a very soft tone of voice, people may not always hear you talking. Speak in a clear, assertive voice, and make sure you’re loud enough for people to hear you. Check to see what you are actually stating. You may be offended that people don't seem concerned about your opinion yet always decline to share when given a chance. When it comes to communicating your needs, try using “I” statements to express your feelings, like “I feel unheard when…” or “I’m struggling with…” For example, saying, “I feel like I don’t matter to you when you don't listen to what I have to say,” is less accusatory than “You obviously don’t care about me.” Set boundaries with the people in your life. If you’re struggling to communicate with someone, it’s okay to take a break, walk away, and return to the conversation at a later time.
Talk to someone whom you feel comfortable opening up to. Consider a friend, colleague, family member, loved one, or counselor in your life that you could talk about your feelings with. This should not be the person or people that are making you feel unheard. Rather, this person should be a positive person who you trust to listen to you and give you advice as you sort through your feelings. “Consider who you might feel is a comfortable and safe person to talk to who would be willing to listen and not be judgemental,” advises Dickerson. “It’s important to open up to people [you] feel comfortable and safe with in order to process [your] feelings and emotions,” Dickerson continues to explain, as keeping your feelings in “can potentially lead to increased mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, and possibly panic attacks.”
Model active listening and encourage others to be better listeners. When you listen actively to someone, they’ll be more likely to do the same for you. Focus on what the person is saying instead of just planning your reply as they talk. Practice mirroring to make sure you understand what they’re thinking and feeling. Mirroring means restating someone’s point in your own words. One example of a mirroring phrase is, “It sounds like you feel hurt because I didn’t come to see you last week. Is that right?”
Address the issue with the person who’s making you feel unheard. Schedule a time to talk with your partner or friend when there won’t be any distractions or time limit. Start with neutral language, like “I am not feeling heard. Am I doing something wrong? What can we do to change this?” Be concise and clear about the reasons you feel upset—if it helps, write down some bullet points ahead of time and refer to them during your chat. Be concrete about your needs and the natural consequences of them not being met. For example, say, “It’s really important to me that you hear this: I need you to stop interrupting me. When you don’t acknowledge my distress, I don’t want to be around you.” Ask the person to repeat back what you’ve said until you feel like you’ve been heard without any miscommunication. If they become frustrated or angry, walk away and try again later. Someone who deeply cares about you will try to understand your feelings and come to a resolution—if they don’t seem to care about your concerns, it may be time to move on from this relationship. In a professional group like an office setting, organization, or social circle, it’s best to talk to the leader of the group directly.
Avoid reacting with accusations or anger. While it’s natural to feel upset or angry, be careful not to take your feelings out on the other person. They probably won’t hear anything you have to say if they feel like you’re attacking them. Express yourself calmly, and avoid calling names or making accusations. Avoid bringing up any past events or disagreements that don’t have to do with the topic at hand. Reopening old wounds can distract from the more pressing issues and cause the other person to become defensive. Similarly, avoid giving the other person the silent treatment. If you give them the cold shoulder rather than communicating with them directly, they’ll never be able to understand exactly what they did to make you feel unheard.
Focus on yourself and your needs. At the end of the day, you’re the only person that you can control. Know your worth, and remind yourself of your good qualities. If you have positive relationships in your life, nurture them. Reach out to the people who always listen to you or help you, and limit the time you spend around unsupportive or negative people. Get into the habit of using encouraging, positive self-talk instead of talking negatively to yourself. Start practicing daily affirmations or keep a list of things you appreciate about yourself. Find small ways to take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health, like reminding yourself to eat breakfast or deciding to go to bed an hour earlier than usual. Express yourself through a creative outlet you enjoy, like drawing, writing poetry, or taking a dance class. Build up your confidence by stepping outside of your comfort zone and “gradually taking more social risks, such as talking to people, initiating conversations, etc,” recommends Dickerson. “What was once uncomfortable,” says Dickerson, “will now seem more comfortable due to increased confidence from knowing you’re capable of being social around people.”
Possible Reasons You Don’t Feel Heard
Your communication style is different from other people’s. Some people are more emotionally vulnerable when communicating, while others struggle with this communicative skill. Similarly, you may have a more passive communication style while the other person really needs direct communication to take in what you’re saying. Especially with a romantic partner or close friend, it’s important to understand that person’s communication style and communicate with them in a way they’ll understand. For example, if the other person doesn’t have a high tolerance for strong emotions, it may be useful to speak calmly to them and present an evidence-based list of ways you’re feeling unheard.
Your perspective differs from the people around you. Sometimes, your partner or friend’s perception is totally different from your own. Or, they may be taking in what you’re saying but aren’t sure what to do with it. This difference in perception can make you feel invalidated and like this person isn’t really hearing what you’re saying. Remember that this other person’s perspective may be just as valid as yours, but that doesn’t mean either of you is “right.” They may be just as emotionally overwhelmed or confused as you. Try having a conversation with them where you express your feelings directly and give them an opportunity to do the same.
You’re encountering the same problem over and over. If you’re speaking to someone in your life about a behavior of theirs that’s bothering you and they do nothing to resolve it, it can make you feel like they’re not hearing or understanding you. Or, you may feel like they simply don’t care. No matter the case, this situation can make you feel lonely, unheard, and unsupported. This is especially frustrating when a friend, partner, or family member expresses remorse for hurting you and seems to understand what you’re saying at the moment. If they don’t change their behavior, however, it can make you feel like they don’t care enough to treat you like you deserve or that they didn’t really listen to what you shared with them. Try talking to this person again about their behavior and how you don’t feel like it’s being addressed. At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words, and people will show you if they’re willing to do the work to stay in your life and treat you with kindness.
Your feelings are being invalidated by someone else. While feeling unheard may sometimes result from a simple difference in communication style or opinion, it can also happen due to one person emotionally invalidating the other. Emotional invalidation happens when one person dismisses the other’s thoughts and feelings. For example, someone may say, “Your feelings are wrong,” “That never happened,” “I don’t know why you’re getting so upset,” or “It could always be worse.” Emotional invalidation can make you feel unimportant, irrational, and doubtful of your own feelings and perceptions. Some people purposefully emotionally invalidate others in order to manipulate them, while others may do it subconsciously when they feel personally overwhelmed or are even trying to comfort you (e.g., “That doesn’t sound so bad”). Try telling the person that the language they’re using is making you feel like they don’t care about your feelings. If they don’t try to change their behavior, then it may be time to walk away.
You’re dealing with symptoms of childhood trauma. Many people who have been diagnosed with complex PTSD or are otherwise managing the impact of long-term trauma struggle to feel heard. Their trauma may have given them feelings of worthlessness or detachment from those around them, so they are much more sensitive to perceived slights or feeling ignored. Heal your trauma response by regulating your nervous system when you feel triggered by someone in your life. Find a counselor who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder or other forms of childhood trauma. “Finding support from a trained mental health provider can be beneficial in order to learn cognitive and behavioral skills and techniques that you might have not been aware of,” asserts Dickerson.
Psychological Effects of Not Feeling Heard
Feeling unheard can erode trust between you and the people around you. When you don’t feel listened to or understood, you may feel like your feelings don’t matter or that the people in your life don’t have your back. Eventually, you may even struggle to believe your feelings and start invalidating yourself before even reaching out to others for help. Feeling unheard can feel similar to being gaslit. If someone close to you seems to completely disregard what’s going on in your life, you may start to doubt yourself and think, “Maybe I’m asking for too much," "I'm probably overreacting,” or “I’m only thinking about my own problems.” In relationships, feeling consistently misunderstood or unheard can lead to resentment and contempt. Sometimes, the person who feels unsupported may seek out a place or person outside the relationship where they feel more heard.
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