How to Handle Jealousy

Handling Your Own Jealousy

Understand the emotion of jealousy. Jealousy is a complex emotion that can include many others: fear, loss, anger, envy, sorrow, betrayal, inadequacy, and humiliation. If you are feeling jealous, understand that there are many other emotions that can occur with jealousy, but jealousy might be the emotion you notice first. Spend time thinking through your emotions. Write out how you feel. If you are a visual person, make a chart or a drawing that represents all the different emotions you feel and their connection to jealousy. Notice the way your body is registering your emotions. Fear sometimes feels like a dropping or clutching sensation in your chest and stomach, while anger often manifests itself as a burning, tight sensation in your head and arms.

Tackle your feelings. Learn to question your jealousy every time that it emerges. For example, say to yourself: "Is this jealousy because I feel afraid or angry? Why am I feeling fear or anger here?" When you begin to question what makes you jealous in the moment, you can begin to take positive steps to manage the feelings constructively, without the cloud of negative emotion that typically accompanies jealousy.

Get to the root of your jealousy. It can be hard to admit that you are having negative feelings, and it might be tempting to blame them on another. Avoid this by taking a compassionate look at your own jealousy. Look at all the emotions you feel within your jealousy, and think about a cause for each of them. For instance, if you feel jealous of your partner's friend, think of all the ways those emotions might fit in a sentence. You might feel fear because you don't want to lose your partner (and perhaps because you have lost a partner in the past), sorrow at the thought of the loss, a sense of betrayal because you feel your partner owes you full attention, and a sense of inadequacy because you aren't sure you're worthy of love. Write down memories that may have aggravated these feelings. For instance, you may feel fear at losing your partner because your last breakup was really painful, and you're frightened of going through a similar experience. You may feel unworthy of love because you had a neglectful parent.

Choose to believe. Trust the people you love. Choose trust over distrust. Unless you have hard evidence that someone lies to you, trust. Do not go snooping for evidence, but take your loved one at his or her word. Jealousy can hurt your relationship only if you bury it and blame your feelings on others.

Apologize and explain. Say something like: "I'm sorry for bothering you about your friendship with J. It's not that I don't trust you—I was just feeling insecure. Thanks for listening to me." This will often be sufficient to give both of you the space to discuss what has just taken place––recognition of your insecurities and the need to be more open together about what you're going through.

Open up about your jealousy. Sharing your true feelings with your friend or partner can help you build a stronger relationship. It will also empower him or her to point out when you make unreasonable jealous demands. Though it can be vulnerable to admit to feelings of jealousy, a relationship built on honesty is going to be stronger than one built of subterfuge. Avoid passing on blame to the other person. He or she did not cause your feelings, and you alone are responsible for your behavior. Stick to "I" statements rather than saying anything that smacks of "you make me feel…" Instead of saying, "You shouldn't have done that," say, "I feel terrible when we're in a public space and I can't communicate how I feel to you." Be aware that how you perceive situations may be completely at odds with how the other person saw them. Commit to listening when your partner speaks, even if you disagree.

Get help. If you have physically harmed, yelled at, berated, or stalked your partner, separate yourself from them immediately and get professional help. Ask your doctor for a referral to see a therapist or take an anger management class.

Handling Another's Jealousy

Learn the difference between love and jealousy. Jealousy is not love and feeling jealousy does not mean that you are in love. Some people mistake jealousy as an act of love, when it's really an act of insecurity and/or a lack of control. People who get jealous tend to be insecure and to have feelings of shame as well.

Draw boundaries with a jealous partner or friend. If your partner is acting out due to jealousy, draw lines. Do not answer questions you are not comfortable answering. Do not cancel plans with your friends, or cut off contact with someone who matters to you. Gently and firmly explain: "I will answer your questions, but only once. I will not give you the same answer over and over." "I will listen to how you feel, but I will not isolate myself from the people I love." "If you throw things or yell, I will leave the house and spend the night at my parents' house." "If you do not tell me how you feel, but you sulk or give me the silent treatment, I will tell you how that makes me feel and then I will leave the house until you call me."

Don't accept abuse. Do not assume responsibility for things you did not do. It may be easier to apologize and blame yourself when you are blamed for another's behavior. However, you know your own motivations. Don't let anyone convince you into believing that you were flirting when you weren't flirting, or that you "provoked" jealousy and subsequent bad behavior. Listen calmly to your partner if he or she can use "I" statements, but do not subject yourself to a barrage of accusations. If your partner physically restrains you, hurts you, or breaks things, leave him or her.

Get help. If you feel in any way threatened by a partner or other person who is jealous of you, get away from them if you can. Jealousy is the leading cause of spousal murders, and is a typical component of spousal battery. Get out of the house if your partner is physically aggressive, and call 911 or a domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-522-3304

Handling Childhood Sibling Rivalry

Encourage their individuality. Jealousy between siblings is inevitable, as they will have conflicting needs and a natural worry about being treated unfairly. Explain to them that their needs are different, and that not everything can be "equal," because their strong needs will appear at different times and need different treatment. Give your children space and time that is just for them. If you can give your children separate rooms, do. Let your child pursue activities they love. Older siblings should have time alone or with friends without having to always include a younger sibling. Demonstrate that the individuality of each child matters. Devote family time to things that one child enjoys and another child doesn't. Spend one-on-one time with each child when you can. For example, if one child enjoys biking and the other does not, make time for your biker to take a spin in the park. If you have two children who need supervision at all times, get a sitter or split duties with your partner or a family friend.

Make schedules. If your children often fight over whose turn it is to use a family-owned item, such as a laptop or game, make a schedule showing when each child can claim it. Similarly, if your children demonstrate jealousy of your attention, make one-on-one dates with each of them in which you participate in an activity of their choice.

Teach your children to be assertive. Teach your children to state their own emotions in a straightforward, assertive way, rather than acting out or blaming others for how they feel. Explain to your children that when a sentence begins with "you," it might make matters worse. Instead, teach your kids to start sentences with "I" and explain how they are feeling. If your child expresses that he or she feels jealous, then try to find out more. For example, if one of your kids expresses jealousy towards an older sibling, then you might ask, “Why do you feel jealous?” You might learn that your child feels jealous because he or she thinks the sibling is more loved or more talented. This will give you an opportunity reassure and encourage your child. If one of your kids expresses jealousy about a sibling’s talents, then encourage your child to think about his or her own talents instead of making comparisons to the sibling. If your child feels like he or she does not have any talents, then encourage your child to take up a new hobby to start taking pride in him or herself again.