How to Live As an Agender Person

Choose what “agender” means to you.

“Agender” doesn’t have a universal definition in the gender-diverse community. Some people use the word agender to identify as someone who doesn’t fit within the male/female gender binary, while other individuals use the label to represent a complete absence of gender. Think about what parts of the label really vibe with you, and why you think it’s a good fit for your gender identity. Feel free to chat with your agender friends and acquaintances to see what the label means to them.

Dress so you feel comfortable.

Choose a hairstyle and clothing style that represents you. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to dress as an agender person–it completely depends on your feelings, attitude, and comfort level. Try on different outfit combinations and see what feels most authentic and comfortable to you. You can also look up pictures of different hairstyles and see if any resonate with you. Brands like Nicopanda, Telfar, I and Me, RICH MNISI, Riley Studio, Wildfang, Entireworld, and Collusion are well-known for their “genderless” clothing options. Remember: you don’t have to choose a set hairstyle and clothing style if you don’t want to! If you’re already comfortable with your clothing and hairstyle, you have no obligation to change things up.

Change your name if you want to.

Pick a name that supports and validates your gender identity. Members of the trans and gender-diverse community have chosen their names in a variety of different ways, from online pseudonyms to their personal heritage. Look for a name that really resonates with who you are as a person, and that you’d feel comfortable with other people calling you. Remember–while you’re more than welcome to change your name, you don’t have to if you don’t want to!

Pick your pronouns.

Pronouns help you feel comfortable in your day-to-day life. You can stick with binary pronouns, gender-neutral pronouns, or a mix of both! What matters most is that your pronouns validate and uplift you, rather than bring you down. Here are some examples of both gender-binary and gender-neutral pronouns you can choose from: Gender Binary She/her/hers: She is talking right now. He/him/his: He is talking right now. Gender Neutral They/them/theirs (singular): They are talking right now. Ze/hir/hirs: (pronounced zhee, here, heres) Ze is talking right now. Ze/zir/zirs: (pronounced zhee, where, zheres) Ze is talking right now. Xe/xem/xyr: (pronounced zhee, zhym, zhyre) Xe is talking right now. You can use multiple sets of pronouns, too, if that makes you feel more comfortable!

Remind people what your pronouns are.

Your pronouns are an important part of your identity. Think about the situation or conversation you’re in, and consider who you’re speaking with at the moment. If you feel safe and comfortable, offer a gentle reminder about what your pronouns are so the person remembers for next time. You might say: “Just an FYI, but I use they/them pronouns, not she/her.” “In the future, would you mind using he/him or they/them pronouns to refer to me?” “Could you use xe/xem pronouns when talking about me?”

Decide if it’s safe to come out to other people.

You have no obligation to come out if you don’t want to. Coming out is an incredibly personal process, and you’re not obligated to do it at any specific point in your life. Think about the people you’re considering telling, along with the pros and cons of sharing that part of your life. If you feel comfortable and safe opening up, here are some things you might say: “I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity lately, and I don’t feel like I fit inside the gender binary. I think I identify as agender now.” “I identify as agender, and I’ve decided to use they/them pronouns.” Some people find it easier to first “come out” to a non-human audience member, like a houseplant or a family pet. Coming out to trusted friends and relatives can actually be a huge peace of mind, and help you build a valuable support system.

Explore different labels.

There’s no right or wrong to express your gender identity. Maybe the term “agender” felt right to you a few months ago, but it just doesn’t feel correct anymore. That’s absolutely okay! The gender-diverse community is constantly growing and evolving, and there are plenty of different labels out there that you can try. Here are just a few to consider: Genderfluid: A person who has a shifting gender identity. Gender nonconforming (GNC): A person who doesn’t identify or follow societal gender norms. Bigender/Trigender/Pangender: A person who identifies as multiple genders simultaneously, or who shifts between these multiple gender identities. Demigirl/Demiguy: A person who identifies with some aspects of femininity or masculinity, but not all of them.

Join an online community.

Social media is full of friendly, accepting, gender-diverse communities. Are you a fan of Facebook groups, or is Reddit more your speed? You can find gender-diverse and agender communities all over the internet, depending on where you look. Here are a few places you can check out: Facebook groups: Genderqueer, Agender, Neutrois, Genderfluid, and Non-binary discussion; Genderqueer/NB Gender and Gender Fluid Parents and Partners; Nonbinary People of Color (BIPOC); Bigender Support; Aces, Aros and Enbies; and more Subreddits: r/Agender; r/Androgyny; r/Genderfluid; r/Nonbinary; r/Ennnnnnnnnnnnbbbbbby; r/Neutrois; and more Discord servers: Binary b gone; Enby Folk; Enby Pride Treehouse; Umbrella Zone: A hangout for all people under the non-binary umbrella; and more

Participate in community events.

Joining events is a great way to meet new friends and allies. Search online for festivals, events, or any kind of get-together held by a member of the trans or gender-diverse community. Think about going if it’s within traveling distance–those events could be a great way to make meaningful friendships and connections. Ask a parent, guardian, or other trusted adult to drive you to the event if you don’t have your driver’s license yet.

Celebrate LGBT holidays.

Agender Pride Day falls on May 19. Take some time to reflect and think about what being agender means to you, and how proud you are to be part of the community. There are plenty of other LGBT and gender-diverse holidays you can celebrate as well, like: Day of Silence: April 12 International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia: May 17 LGBTQA+ Pride Month: June

Speak out for trans and gender-diverse individuals.

Advocating for others is a great way to live your truth. Unfortunately, there are a lot of intolerant people out there who do and say hateful things to the trans and gender-diverse community. Don’t worry–there are plenty of ways to advocate from the comfort of your home, such as: Liking an advocacy page on social media Correcting false information you see online Creating a blog dedicated to trans and gender-diverse issues

Contact a help site or helpline for support.

A listening ear is only a click or phone call away. Your gender identity journey can come with a lot of ups and downs–but you aren’t alone. There are online helplines and support sites that can connect you with a kind, empathetic, and trustworthy professional. Here are a few places you can try: The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/ LGBT Foundation: https://lgbt.foundation/helpline Kids Helpline: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling/

Meet with a counselor for support.

Look for a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues. Maybe you’re struggling with dysphoria, anxiety, or some other issue that affects your day-to-day life. A therapist can give you the tools to work through these problems in a safe, validating setting, and can help you feel stronger and more confident in your identity.