Reaching out to Your Friend
Make the first move, even if it’s scary. After a fight, it can be tough to be the first person to reach out. Try to swallow your pride and be the person to make contact, even if it’s hard for you. If you wait around for your friend to reach out to you, it might never happen. By making the first move, you can ensure that you start along the path to making up.
Plan out what you’d like to say to your friend. You might be feeling a lot of different emotions, and that can result in some jumbled words. Take a breath and think about what you want to convey to your friend when you reach out. Try something like, “I know we had a disagreement, but our friendship means a lot to me. I’m reaching out to see if you’d like to talk about what happened.”
Call or text your friend to get the conversation going. If you don’t live near your friend or you aren’t going to see them in person soon, it’s fine to reach out via a phone call or a text. Plus, calling or texting someone is a little less nerve-wracking than showing up at their house. While calling and texting is great to get the conversation going, you probably don’t want to have an entire conversation over the phone. Try saying something like, “I’d like to talk about what happened so we can repair our friendship.”
Ask if you can meet up in person to talk. Emphasize that you want to meet face-to-face to hash out your problems. Talking with someone in person is always easier than doing it over the phone, so try to find a time that you two can meet up.Tip: Your friend might not want to meet up with you, and that’s okay. Give them their space and let them know that you’re ready to talk whenever they are. You can say something like, “I think talking face-to-face would be better than over the phone. Do you have any time in the next few days to chat with me?” If you live far away from each other and can’t meet up, that’s okay. Consider doing a video call so you can see each other’s faces as you talk.
Find a time and place where you two can talk in private. You can meet up at one of your homes, or you can pick a spot in public where you won’t be interrupted. Try a coffee shop, a deli, or a park so you can have some privacy to hash out your issues. Try to go when you aren’t in a rush so you and your friend can take all the time that you need. Talking in private is the only way you’ll both get to say exactly what you need to say. If there are other people around, it can put pressure on you both.
Resolving the Conflict
Apologize for your part in the fight. It takes two to tango, and the same is true for fighting. Even if you didn’t start the fight, you can apologize for getting angry or escalating it. Only apologize for what you’re truly sorry for so your friend knows you’re sincere. You could say something like, “I’m sorry for yelling at you during our argument last week. I got too angry too quickly, and I shouldn’t have escalated the situation.” You could also say something like, “I’m really sorry for talking about you behind your back. I know that doesn’t feel great, and I shouldn’t have done that.” Reader Poll: We asked 298 wikiHow readers how they would apologize to a friend, and only 6% said take them out to their favorite restaurant or activity. [Take Poll] So, if that doesn’t work, try apologizing and reassuring them.
Explain why you felt hurt or angry. Most fights stem from an action or a situation that you or your friend felt hurt by. Spell it out clearly so your friend can understand where you’re coming from and why you got upset. Try to stick with “I” statements, rather than “you” statements, so your friend doesn’t feel attacked. Try something like, “When you invited everyone in class to the study group except me, it made me feel excluded. I felt sad that you wouldn’t think to invite me even though we’re good friends.” You can also say something like, “I was upset because you talked to Melissa about our friendship before you talked to me. It hurt to know that you didn’t feel like you could talk to me about our issues.”
Ask about your friend’s perspective. Now it’s time for you to listen. Let your friend share their response and tell their side of the story. Think about their perspective and what they might’ve been thinking during the conflict. You can say something like, “I’d like to hear about your perspective, if you feel open to sharing.”
Keep an open mind as you listen to your friend speak. It’s easy to blame your friend entirely for your conflict, but a fight is rarely one person’s fault. Try not to interrupt your friend and be open to the possibility that you made a mistake. Your friend might say something like, “I didn’t invite you to the study group because I thought you had already studied for the test. I wasn’t thinking about how it might hurt you or make you feel excluded.” As long as you two both get a chance to speak, you should be able to resolve your conflict.
Ask your friend how you can mend the friendship. Make sure your friend gets to have some input on how your relationship can change in the future. Listen to what your friend says and try to adjust your behavior moving forward. Your friend might say something like, “In the future, I’d really like it if you didn’t talk about me behind my back. It really hurt my feelings, and it was hard to hear about it from other people.” Try not to get defensive as your friend talks. They listened to you, so now you can listen to them.
Make a plan for avoiding conflict in the future. Talk to your friend about how you two can communicate better in the future to avoid fights like this again. Maybe you need to ask more questions, talk about your schedules, or set clear boundaries for your friendship before you move on. For example, you could say, “I think in the future, I’d like to be invited to any gatherings you plan, even if you think they aren’t my thing. That way, I won’t feel excluded, and I can make a decision on my own whether or not I want to come.”
Forgive each other and move on. Now that you’ve talked about your issues, it’s time to move past them. Accept each other’s apologies and resolve to continue your friendship how it was before your argument. You can say something like, “Now that we’ve made a plan, I hope we can move on and be friends again. I really value your friendship so it means a lot to me.” If you haven’t reached a good resolution or you don’t feel satisfied with your friend’s apology, it will be hard to forgive them. Keep talking about your issues until you feel okay with moving on from the disagreement.
Walk away if you two can’t resolve the issue. Sometimes, fights get so big that it’s hard to talk about them so soon. If you two can’t talk to each other without yelling or you feel like the conversation isn’t going anywhere, take a step back and meet up another time. It’s okay to put a pause on your conversation if you feel like it’s unproductive.Tip: If you need help resolving your conflict, reach out to a parent or a teacher to help mediate your conversation. You can say something like, “All we’re doing is making the fight worse, and I think we both need to cool off. Let’s talk again in a few days when we both are a little more clear-headed.” Walking away doesn’t have to mean that your friendship is over. All it means is that you need to reach out again when your emotions aren’t so high. If you can, plan to meet up in a few days when both of you are feeling more calm.
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