Recognizing Social Anxiety
Understand symptoms of social anxiety. There are some common symptoms or experiences of social anxiety. Common markers of anxiety disorders include: Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations that generally others would not find overly stressful. Extreme worry about social situations for days, weeks, or even months beforehand. Intense fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you do not know. Avoiding social situations to a degree that limits your activities or disrupts or otherwise negatively impacts your life. Fear of humiliation. Fear that others will notice that you are nervous and react negatively.
Understand physical symptoms. While experiencing anxiety affects the way you feel emotionally, your body creates triggers to clue you in on how you’re feeling. People with social anxiety may experience: Blushing Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing Nausea, or “butterflies” Shaky hands or voice Racing heartbeat Sweating Feeling dizzy or faint
Learn to recognize your triggers. Different people with social anxiety have different triggers, although many are pretty common. By knowing what causes you to react with anxiety, you can start to process these experiences in a more positive manner. It may be obvious, or sometimes seemingly random. Sometimes keeping a journal can help pinpoint common experiences. For example: Do you feel anxiety when you walk into a classroom? Is it the same for math class as it is for art class? Do certain people, like your boss or coworkers, trigger anxiety when you interact with them? Do you feel anxiety in social situations? Is it the same for a restaurant as for a concert? Is a group of close friends different than strangers?
Pay attention to situations you tend to avoid. Do you always sit by yourself at lunch, rather than asking to sit with others? Do you always turn down invitations to parties? Do you avoid family get-togethers? Do you avoid using public restrooms? Some other common triggers include: Meeting new people Being the center of attention Being watched while doing something Making small talk Being called on in class Making phone calls Eating or drinking in public Speaking up in a meeting Attending parties
Facing Your Fears
Face your fears. Many people who suffer from social anxiety tend to avoid their fears rather than facing up to them. Although this can help to alleviate social anxiety in the short-term, it can actually make the anxiety worse in the long-run. Facing your fears is always difficult and requires a lot of bravery and determination, but if you want to cure your anxiety it is something you must do.
Write a list of situations that trigger social anxiety. Once you’ve identified your triggers, write them down. Then, look at your list and arrange the triggers from least threatening to most threatening. At the bottom of the list might be making eye contact while speaking, in the middle may be asking a stranger for directions; the top of the list might be asking someone to a dinner date or singing karaoke. If you struggle to rank your fears, try assigning them numbers. Give a 1 to "scary" triggers, a 2 to "quite scary," and a 3 to "terrifying."
Start tackling your list. Make a goal to tackle one list item every week. Start with the items you gave a “1” rating, and work up the list. You want to start with the more manageable items first and build your confidence as you attempt more and more challenging items. Remember that you get credit for just trying--you may need more than one attempt to succeed. Every 'failure' is one step closer to succeeding. People with anxiety tend to take an "all or nothing" approach--either you summon up the courage to ask to sit next to someone at the coffeeshop, or you fail forever. If you did not do it today, try again tomorrow or next week. You may have to break down big goals into little goals. For instance, if you are finding it difficult to ask to sit next to someone at the coffeeshop, you may need to find a smaller, related goal. Maybe smile at a stranger at the coffeeshop? Or sit kind of close to a stranger? For some people, it may be to even go in the cafe at all! Start with small, easily reached goals. It may be too daunting to even start at a "1". It is better to gain confidence through baby steps than to try to bite off too much at once. Treat the list as cumulative. If you start feeling stressed and anxious, then take a short break before moving on. It’s okay to re-evaluate your goals and move at your own pace.
Social Anxiety Tips and Tricks
Practice relaxation techniques. If you're struggling to feel comfortable in new social situations, learn ways to relax yourself. Meditation and exercises like yoga and tai chi are techniques you can use to calm down and prepare yourself to face your challenges calmly. If you carry tension in your muscles, tighten your whole body for three seconds (including your hands, feet, jaw, neck, etc.), then release. Do this two more times and feel the tension leave your body. Learn to recognize your body overreacting to feelings of anxiety and immediately practice calming yourself in those situations.
Use breathing techniques. People who suffer from social anxiety often find themselves in situations where their panic gets the better of them and they have difficulty breathing. In this situation, one of the best ways to regain control and calm your mind is just to focus on your breathing. Inhale deeply through the nose for six seconds. Feel the breath moving down through your chest, into the pit of your stomach. As you breathe focus solely on the movement of air in and out of your body. Exhale slowly through your mouth for another six seconds. Repeat this exercise until you begin to feel calm again.
Pick a mantra or a "pump-up" song. Recite a comforting prayer, line of poetry, or famous quotation, something that inspires you and that you can return to when feeling anxious. Find a song that inspires confidence you can listen to as you drive to a social gathering or before a big presentation. Even something as simple as "I can do this" will help you center yourself and feel confident. EXPERT TIP Adam Dorsay, PsyD Adam Dorsay, PsyD Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008. Adam Dorsay, PsyD Adam Dorsay, PsyD Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Remind yourself that, even though you're scared, you're safe. For some people, just the word "safe" can really remind them that they're going to be okay.
Change your diet. Stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine can increase anxiety symptoms. Alcohol can also trigger anxiety attacks, so be careful when drinking. Know the difference between drinking to calm nerves and drinking in excess.
Changing Your Mentality
Identify negative thoughts. When you experience social anxiety, chances are your thoughts are to blame in creating negative experiences, so start to observe the thoughts you have, then begin to challenge them. Some common thought patterns include: Being a mind reader – You assume you know other people’s thoughts, and they are thinking negatively about you. Fortune telling – You attempt to predict the future by assuming a bad outcome. You “know” that something bad will happen so you feel anxious even before anything happens. Catastrophizing – You assume the worst situation can and will happen to you. Making it about you – You assume that others are negatively focusing on you or assume that what other people are doing or saying is about you.
Challenge your negative thoughts. Once you have learned to identify your negative thoughts, you must begin to analyze and challenge them. Ask yourself questions about the thought and test whether or not it's really true. Use logic and evidence to disprove these automatic, negative thoughts. For instance, if you are afraid to go to a party because everyone will notice that you're nervous and sweating, try something like, "Wait a minute. I was invited to this party because these people are my friends and they want to see me and spend time with me. There will be tons of people there, do I really think I'm going to be the focus of their attention? Will my friends even care if they notice that I'm nervous?"
Use positive affirmations. Instead of engaging in negative thoughts, replace them with positive thoughts. When a negative thought pops up, follow the same protocol of first challenging that thought with evidence to the contrary, then give yourself a positive message to say to yourself. For instance, if you think, "No one really wants me to come to the party," you can challenge that with: "They invited me, so obviously they want me at the party. The hostess even texted me yesterday to say she really hopes I can make it." Then look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself: "I am funny and fun to be around, and anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend." Other positive affirmations for someone dealing with social anxiety might be: "I am working to feel more comfortable with social situations every day. I know with practice and patience I will feel more comfortable in social situations." You can also write positive messages on sticky notes and put them around your house or stick them to your mirror.
Decrease your self-focus. To reduce the concentration on yourself, engage with your surroundings. Observe the people around you and your environment. Focus on listening to what is being said, and stay away from engaging negative thoughts. When you notice yourself focusing on your thoughts or what people think of you, flip your attention away from yourself.
Assign less value to the responses of others. Lots of anxiety comes from feelings of being judged. Other people may not always agree with you or respond to you, but this is not a reflection on you or your abilities. Everyone experiences social interactions where they get along with other people great, and times where they don't hit it off. It's just part of life, and has nothing to do with how likable you are. You're working toward comprehensive confidence, so what matters most is that you're working on your list. You're trying!
Using Good Social Skills
Ask questions. One of the easiest ways to get more comfortable in one-on-one conversations or group discussions is to ask questions. You'll put others at ease if you ask sincere and open-ended questions. Start with general questions, such as “What have you been up to today?” or “How did your presentation go?” Open-ended questions allow the responder to say whatever she wants to say, without being confined to a simple yes or no. If you ask, “Do you want to see that movie?” it may not elicit as much of a response as “What do you think about that movie?”
Listen actively and curiously. This can make all the difference in the world. When you listen, you show that you are engaged in what someone is saying, and that’s it’s important and interesting to you. Listen to what someone else says and then respond to her comments. Think about what she’s saying, and allow her to finish her statements without interrupting. Pay attention to your body language. This is a big factor in conversation, even though it is unspoken. Instead of looking over someone's head, try to make eye contact. Listening intently also prepares you to ask good follow-up questions.
Communicate assertively. This style of communication means you are able to express feelings, thoughts, beliefs, needs and opinions while still respecting the rights of others. When you are assertive, you respect yourself and others. Learn to be okay with saying "No." It can be very difficult for some people to say no, but saying yes or agreeing to something you can't or don't really want to do can cause stress and resentment. Take care of yourself and say "No" when you need to. Be direct, keep a neutral tone of voice and body language. Make your needs clear, and understand that being assertive doesn't necessarily mean getting exactly what you want. If you’re within a group at a meeting or at a party, try talking in a moderately louder voice than you usually do. Make eye contact and speak decisively. This projects confidence and will command presence.
Putting Yourself Out There
Prepare for social situations. Practice relaxation beforehand, and read a paper to have talking points to engage with people at social events. Prepare a comment to make at a meeting, or have a topic from the radio to discuss over lunch. If you have to stand up in front of a large group of people to give a presentation or speech, being prepared will give you extra confidence. Try learning your speech by heart. This will help you to avoid forgetting any important points on the day itself.
Ask your friends or family for support. Especially as you begin to tackle more and more daunting fears, reach out to your support network to help you. If you have to attend a large event, such as a party or conference, bring a close friend or family member along with you for support. Just having a familiar person close can make a huge difference in your confidence levels. If you start to feel overwhelmed, turn to your friend and try to keep your mind off your nerves.
Expand your social circle. People who suffer from social anxiety can find it very difficult to put themselves out there and meet new people. However, this is an essential part of overcoming anxiety and moving forward with your life. Think of an activity that you enjoy, whether it's knitting, horse riding, or running, and find a group of people in your area who share this interest. You will find it much easier to strike up a conversation with people who have similar interests to your own. If you get invited to a party or event, make sure you say yes. People with social anxiety tend to shy away from group gatherings, but this can cause you to feel even more isolated and unhappy. Make an effort to go to any social gathering (even if it’s only for half an hour). You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone if you want to get better.
Take a social skills or assertiveness training class. Taking a class to gain skills is a great way to learn and practice your social skills and assertiveness. Get to know the people in your class and practice your skills with them.
Make an appointment with a therapist. If, after working on confronting your anxiety triggers for a while, you're still having trouble moving down the list and still suffering from severe anxiety, or if your anxiety is debilitating, talk to a professional.
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