Developing a Less Critical Mindset
Pause when you have a judgmental thought. Judgmental thinking is often automatic, so you will need to learn how to put the brakes on it now and then. Try to pay more attention to your judgmental thoughts and stop to examine them when you have them. When you notice that you are having a critical thought, the first thing you will need to do is acknowledge it. For example, if you notice yourself thinking, “I can’t believe she would let her child leave the house like that,” then stop and acknowledge that you are judging someone.
Challenge your judgmental thinking. Once you have identified a critical or judgmental thought, then you will need to challenge it. You can challenge the thought by thinking about the assumptions that you are making about people. For example, by thinking, “I can’t believe she would let her child leave the house like that,” you are assuming that the woman is a bad mother or that she does not care about her child. However, the reality might be that the mother had an unusually hectic morning and that she feels embarrassed that her child is wearing a shirt with a stain on it or that her child’s hair is messy.
Try to be understanding. After you have examined your assumptions about the situation, then you will need to find a way to practice compassion towards the person you are judging. Try to find some way to excuse the behavior. For example, you might excuse the mother with the messy child by thinking to yourself, “It is hard to raise children and sometimes things don’t go as planned. I know that I have had times where my child left the house with a messy shirt (or when I left the house with a messy shirt).”
Identify other people’s strengths. Focusing on the things that you like or even love about someone may also help you to avoid making snap judgments and appreciate the person instead. Try to think about the things that you admire about the people in your life to help prevent you from criticizing them. For example, you might remind yourself that your co-worker is kind and always listens when you want to tell her something. Or, you might remind yourself that your friend is creative and makes you laugh. Try to focus on these positive traits instead of focusing on the negative ones.
Forget about the things you have done for someone else. If you feel like people are indebted to you, then this can also contribute to a sense that you should be critical of them and cause you to feel resentful. Instead, try to forget about the ways that you have helped others and instead think of what they have done for you. For example, you might feel resentful towards a friend because you lent him money and he still has not repaid you for it. Instead, try to focus on all the good things a friend has done for you.
Find ways to clarify your goals. People sometimes fail to achieve their goals because the goals are too abstract and stopping all critical or judgmental behavior is a big goal. You might find it easier to work on some targeted aspects of this larger goal. Try to think about what aspects of judging and criticizing others you really want to change. For example, do you want to compliment people more often? Or do you want to find ways to offer constructive criticism to people? Try to make your goals as specific as possible to increase your chances of achieving them.
Becoming a Constructive Critic
Wait a while. Try not to offer criticism to someone right after he or she has done something. If possible offer some praise and then provide criticism a little later. This will give you a chance to think about the best way to phrase your criticism and increase the chances that it will be well-received. You may even want to wait to share criticism until it is absolutely necessary. For example, if you have some criticism for someone who has just given a presentation, then you might consider waiting until a day or two before their next presentation to share the criticism.
Provide your criticism along with two pieces of praise. This is often called the sandwich method of offering criticism. To use this method, you would say something nice, then offer the criticism, and then close with another nice comment. For example, you might say something like, “Your presentation was fascinating! I had a little trouble following the content sometimes due to the pace, but I think if you slow the next one down it will be amazing!”
Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. Starting your criticism with “you” can send the message that you are looking for an argument and put the other person on the defensive. Instead of leading with “you,” try to start your criticism with “I.” For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me when I am talking,” say something like, “I feel frustrated when I am talking and I get interrupted.”
Request different behavior in the future. Another good way to provide criticism to someone is to phrase your criticism in the form of a future request. This is not as severe as making a statement about something someone has just done or as asking someone to completely change their behavior. For example, instead of saying, “You always leave your socks on the floor!” you might say something like “In the future, can you please pick up your socks and put them into the hamper?”
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