Noticing Changes in Their Behavior
Compare how they treat you. When you two are spending time with your mutual friends, see if they treat you differently than how they treat other people they are friends with. They may be more affectionate with you, try to talk more to you, or make comments about your relationship. When your best friend treats you the same as any of their other friends, it's unlikely that they're interested in you romantically. A friend that treats you like they treated their exes may be interested. This can help you determine whether they are just being their normal friendly selves or if they are interested romantically in you.
Notice when you're spending more time together. Naturally, you're going to spend time with your best friend. However, ask yourself whether the things that you do together seem like dates. For example, do you go out to dinner and a movie? If so, is it usually just the two of you? When someone starts to become interested in someone romantically, they'll want to spend more and more time with them. If you notice that the two of you are spending way more time together than you normally do, and that those hangouts start to feel like potential dates, they may be interested in you. You should also notice if they start to tell you how much they enjoy spending time with you one on one. This might be a way for them to try and tell you that they're looking for something more than just friendship.
Listen to how they speak. Listen to how they speak about you to other people and how they speak when they are talking to you. When people are attracted to someone, they may speak in a special tone of voice reserved for that special someone. They may also be a little nervous around you and blush. Pay attention to how much they laugh at your jokes or things that you do. If they laugh more frequently than usual, it might be because they like you. Friends aren't awkward with one another, so if you start noticing that they seem shy and bashful about certain topics, it could be a sign that they're interested in you. For example, they may become shy when you bring up school dances or dates that you've been on.
Listen to what they say. They may be trying to tell you how they feel in a subtle way. They may try to bring up romantic subjects or ask whether you are interested in someone right now. They may also try to deepen your connection by asking you very deep questions about your life, dreams, goals, and desires. Since this is your best friend, they probably pay attention to what you say already. But, you may notice that they start to remember small details about your life that they would otherwise forget, like when you have a test or a special appointment. They might show you that they remember these things by wishing you luck or commenting when the day is here.
Look for flirtatious behavior. Flirting can signal that they are attracted to you, or it could mean that they are a naturally flirtatious person. You'll need to distinguish what their flirting means, but you have the benefit of knowing their personality already. Look for signs of flirting like: They compliment you frequently. They smile and gaze at you when they talk about you. They touch their hair or face when speaking to you. They laugh at all your jokes, even when they aren't that funny. They gently tease you or playfully poke fun at you.
Look at how they present themselves. You may notice that they start to pay more attention to their appearance when they know they are spending time with you. For instance, they may wear nicer clothes or clothing that they know that you like or wear makeup and do their hair. When someone is attracted to someone, they often try to present their best selves. If you start to notice that they consistently seem to be spending more time on their appearance when the two of you are together, they may be interested in you.
Looking at Their Body Language
Look for body language cues for attraction. When people are attracted to someone, they often display this attraction through their body language. There are a number of different body language cues for attraction, and when you notice your best friend displaying them consistently it can signal that they're attracted to you. Look for signs like: They maintain eye contact and gaze at you. They smile subconsciously while they're talking about you. They try to be physically close to you by initiating physical contact. When you talk, their feet are pointed towards you. They mirror your body language when you two are speaking. They touch their hair and face while you're talking.
Notice increased physical contact. When someone is interested in you, they will try to initiate physical contact more frequently. The two of you might go from not hugging frequently to hugging every time you see each other. The type of physical contact that you have may start to be different as well. Rather than punching you on the arm affectionately, they may initiate a hug. Or, they may start to touch your knee or your arm.
Notice when they initiate physical contact. Physical contact between friends is normal and healthy, but you may start to notice that they are initiating contact much more frequently than they normally do. They may try to be physically affectionate by hugging you, putting their arm around your shoulder, or touching your hand. They may try to “accidentally” brush against you when the two of you are close. This could mean that they are nervous to initiate other kinds of physical contact, like a hug, but they want to be near to you. If you feel uncomfortable with the amount of physical contact, you should let them know in a gentle and kind way.
Assessing Your Relationship
Determine how you feel. Are you romantically interested in your best friend? Ask yourself whether you would be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with this person if they did like you. How you feel about them as a romantic partner will influence your reactions towards their behavior. If you are interested in them romantically, try to be honest with them about how you are feeling. If the signs are there, they might be interested in you as well. You could try to hint that you have a crush on someone to see how they react, or ask them if they are interested in anyone. For example, you could say "Jen, I've been thinking about our friendship a lot, and I think we could be really great together as more than friends."
Look at how you're acting. You may be giving them signals that you are interested in them without you realizing it. For example, you could be flirting with them, being more physically affectionate, or opening up more to them emotionally. If you are not interested in your friend as a romantic partner, you should try to stop these overly affectionate behaviors, since they could be giving them mixed signals. If you are interested in them, you can continue giving them signs that you are interested.
Talk to your friends. You may still be confused about whether your best friend really does like you in a romantic way. You can talk to a close friend to ask their opinion and to see whether they know if your friend has a crush on anyone. Do this carefully, you don't want word to get back to your best friend that you're talking about them behind their back. Only talk to friends that you really trust and who have a good perspective on the situation. You could also casually talk to one of their friends to see if they know whether your best friend is interested in someone. You could say something like, "Hey, I noticed that Zach hasn't been talking about Caroline anymore. Do you know if he's interested in someone new?"
Talk to them. If you're still not sure, just ask. This is the only reliable way to figure out if they are interested in you romantically, but it can come with some risks. For one, the person might not want to jeopardize the friendship, and so will feel uncomfortable telling you. Be sure you want the relationship to move onto a romance before asking. If you don't, it's better to just avoid the question and let the feelings slowly pass. If the best friend suddenly makes a move or comes out and tells you, then you can address it. If you want to ask, say something like, "I don't want to weird you out, but I've noticed things changing a little between us lately, and wondered if it's because our relationship has shifted a little bit." This will give them an opportunity to share their feelings.
Approach the topic carefully. If your friend doesn't open up, or says something dismissive like, "No way, what, are you crazy? We're friends, that's all", you should let it go. You can diffuse the situation by saying something like, "Hey, no problem, I was just curious. It's cool, either way." If your friend is scared to tell you, or is wrestling with their feelings, it may take some time for them to come clean about it to you. Be patient and compassionate, and don't pressure your friend.
Tell them how much you value their friendship. Let them know that your friendship is important to you and that you care about them as a person. Whether you and your best friend end up together or not, your friendship is special and you don't want to lose them. If they are interested in you romantically, and you don't share the same feelings for them, they may need to take a break from your friendship. This will hurt, but they need time to process their own feelings and move on. Tell them that you do care about your relationship by saying, "Ben, your friendship means a lot to me. You're a great friend and I'm glad that I have you in my life. I don't have romantic feelings for you, but I hope that we can still be best friends." EXPERT TIP Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Alicia Oglesby is a Professional School Counselor and the Director of School and College Counseling at Bishop McNamara High School outside of Washington DC. With over ten years of experience in counseling, Alicia specializes in academic advising, social-emotional skills, and career counseling. Alicia holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and a Master’s in Clinical Counseling and Applied Psychology from Chestnut Hill College. She also studied Race and Mental Health at Virginia Tech. Alicia holds Professional School Counseling Certifications in both Washington DC and Pennsylvania. She has created a college counseling program in its entirety and developed five programs focused on application workshops, parent information workshops, essay writing collaborative, peer-reviewed application activities, and financial aid literacy events. Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Address romantic interest with kindness. If a friend likes you romantically but you only see them platonically, address this kindly but clearly. Note their positive qualities while conveying your feelings honestly. Explain why you value their friendship but don’t share romantic feelings so you both feel comfortable moving forward.
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