- If your friend is an experienced liar, the common signals that someone is lying (hiding their mouth, turning away, avoiding eye contact, etc.) may not be good ways to determine if they’re lying.[1]
- Try asking your friend a follow-up question regarding the suspected lie; if they pause for a long time to think about the answer, they fumble over their words, or they look away when they’re talking, they’re probably lying.[2]
- Take what you know about your friend into consideration—if you’ve always known them to be straight up with you, try to cut them the benefit of the doubt.
- Asking yourself, “What do they have to gain by lying?” will often help you deduce whether they’re trying to pull one over on you.
Telling Fact from Fiction
Ask questions. Asking questions and taking time to find out the answer will mean you will be able to understand and empathize with what your friend is talking about, if it is true. If your friend is lying, they will probably try to avoid eye contact, dodge the question, stutter for a minute before answering, change the subject quickly, or come up with an answer that makes no sense. If your friend talks about getting a bunch of positive comments on a social media app that you don't have, maybe ask them what all of the comments say. If he or she gives a vague answer such as, "They all say I'm really pretty or whatever" or "I got so many, I can't keep track," then they're probably lying. Just remember that some people do a lot of these things normally, so it really depends on the person.
Consider whether it happens often. While everyone has incredible experiences, if your friend is always telling you about those VIP passes she got to the movies, or how her mom is cousins with the president, it's safe to say your friend's making most of these things up.
Ask their relative. Whether a sibling or parent, a relative is likely to know all of this stuff. Ask nonchalantly by bringing up the suspected lie like this in conversation, "It's so cool that Adam's play is on YouTube! I can't believe it got 200,000 views!" Relatives will be honest in most cases on whether or not it is true. Just remember to be a courteous house guest instead of focusing all of your time on this. If you do this more than a few times, though, they will probably get suspicious of you and think you're trying to accuse your friend.
Look for suspicious signs. Everyone has certain "tells" which are certain ways they act when they are lying. Learning to recognize tells can help you distinguish fact from fiction and spot a lie easily. Some of these telltale signs include: When someone is lying to you, they may begin to breathe heavily They may repeat words or phrases in order to convince you.
Change topics. Say something like "Cool" as if you don't fully believe them (without being sarcastic) and switch to a different topic abruptly. If they immediately go back to the topic or tell you that they're not making it up, they're probably lying. Make it subtle that you don't believe them, so they'd have to be looking for it. Defensiveness is one of the telltale signs that someone's lying.
Dealing with a Lying Friend
Think about whether or not you want to be friends. While everyone's got quirks and friendships are about accepting both the good and the bad, if you feel your relationship is completely built on lies, it may be time to let go. If you are in a bad relationship but want to give your friend a second chance, tell them respectfully what they are doing that makes you so upset, rather than being passive aggressive, which will get you absolutely nowhere.
Understand their motives. There must be a reason for why they're constantly lying to you. Are they bullied in school? Do they have a hard time making friends? Are they jealous of your looks or your house or your significant other? All of these things (and more) can lead to a friend lying. Understand that your friend isn't perfect and they, like you, make mistakes.
Know that they're not the only one. While having a friend who lies can be annoying, frustrating, and even hurtful, understand that you probably lie as well. Even little "white lies" can be harmful. You're probably feeling the same way! Trying to lie to your friend as little as possible makes the relationship much more meaningful, and makes them lie less to you.
Talking to Your Friend
Think up some respectful ways to bring up the topic. Lines such as "You're one of my closest friends, and we'll be friends forever, but sometimes, I get the feeling that you lie." are good. Try to mention yourself and the fact that you lie too, sometimes, and you're working on not lying, but don't mention yourself too much. Make sure to have a rebuttal against some arguments your friend is sure to give.
Bring it up. Make sure to keep your voice even toned and not to get mad. Listen to what your friend has to say, but don't let the discussion become all about things you've done wrong. If your friend wants to discuss that with you, he/she can create a time, just like you did. Remind your friend that you're not angry, you merely want to talk so that this happens less. Make sure to go about the discussion in a mature way so your friend can fix their actions.
Steer the conversation away from turning into an argument. Let your friend know that you don't like being lied to in a respectful tone, even if they raise their voice. Try not to be super accusatory, or your friend will become defensive and angry. Ask them why they lie to me, and let them know that you don't fall for it, it only makes you feel stupid because they think you will fall for it.
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