Give her some space.
Offering her space gives her a chance to miss you. As hard as it might be, wait for a few weeks after your breakup to text her, unless she messaged you first. She’ll need time to process what happened, as will you. After a few weeks have passed, it’s okay to get in touch, so long as she didn’t tell you she wanted to go no-contact after you broke up. If she doesn’t want to text after the breakup, accept her decision. Breakups are hard, and she deserves to heal in whatever way she thinks best. Keep yourself busy during this time so you aren't focused on your breakup. If she takes a day or so to respond to your messages, do the same—it’ll keep you from seeming overeager.
Remind her of a happy memory.
A reminder of the good times can be really meaningful. After a breakup, feelings can be pretty raw, and sometimes people dwell on the bad memories. By sending your ex a message about the good times you had together, you can try to change how she sees the relationship. Try sending her a message like: “I was just walking past the restaurant we had our first date at. Remember when I spilled water all over the waiter? Stupid. Anyways, it just reminded me of how special that night was.” “Went to the beach the other day, and thought about the trip we once took there. I remember it as being a pretty perfect day.” “Just watched the new Marvel movie. Remember how excited you were to watch The Avengers? It makes me laugh thinking about it—I had a great time that night.”
Send her an apology.
Saying sorry shows accountability for your mistakes. Accepting the role you played in the breakup is an important part of demonstrating to her that maybe the relationship deserves a second chance. Be specific about the mistakes you made and tell her that you’ve learned from them. For example: “I’m sorry that I got so caught up in my friends that I didn’t treat you with the priority you deserve. I realize now that our relationship was special and needed to be treated with more care.” “I’m sorry that I didn’t care for your emotional needs in the way you deserved. I understand why you felt ignored and hurt during our relationship.” “I’m sorry that I was disloyal to you during our relationship. I had somehow thought that texting other girls was innocent, but I was completely wrong. It was completely disrespectful to you, and I understand that now.”
Let her know you want the best for her.
An honest reflection can show her there are no hard feelings. It can be pretty awkward post-breakup when you don’t know where you stand with your ex. By reassuring her that you still want what’s best for her, she’ll feel more comfortable speaking with you. Tell her something like: “Just wanted to say I loved being with you, and wish you all the happiness in the world.” “I know we ended things rough, but I want you to know that your happiness is still really important to me. I hope you have it with whatever you do in the future.” “If our breakup was what you needed, I accept it. I still think you’re an amazing person who deserves everything the world has to offer.”
Ask her for advice.
Show her that you value her thoughts. Asking someone for advice is a sign that you care about what they have to say, and can often be pretty flattering. Asking your ex for advice is a much better way to start a conversation than a simple “How are you?” since the conversation has a purpose. Try saying something like: “Wanted your input on something: can you think of any good gift ideas for my little cousin?” “Quick question: I want to take my uncle out to a good restaurant tonight. Any ideas?” “Any study tips? I’m really nervous about my French exam tomorrow.”
Talk to her about something exciting.
A buzzy message can ease the tension. If something is happening in your workplace, school, or news, sending her a message about it can break the ice. Talking about things other than your past relationship can make you both feel at ease. Try saying something like: “Did you watch the interview last night? That was so crazy.” “Did you hear that the English teacher got fired? Heard some pretty crazy details about what happened.” “Did you hear that the boss is leaving? Who do you think they’re going to replace her with?”
Ask her for a favor.
Your ex might enjoy the feeling of helping you out. If you need an extra pair of hands or eyes for something, try seeing if your ex would be willing to help out. Have a backup plan and don’t take it too hard if she says no—she might still need some space. But if she does say yes, it’s a great way to rebuild your relationship. Try saying something like: “I’m trying to write a cover letter for this job—could you take a look at it? You’re the best writer I know.” “Any chance you could drive me to the airport this weekend? No worries if you’re too busy, but I was wondering if you’re available.” “I’m heading out of town for the weekend—do you think you could take care of the dog for me for a little? I’m happy to return the favor.”
Tell her someone else mentioned her.
Remind her that she’s been an important part of your life. Everyone likes knowing when they’ve been talked about, so sharing this information with her will definitely pique her interest. It’s also a less pressure-filled way of saying that you’ve been thinking about her. Say something like: “My mom couldn’t stop talking about you at dinner last night. I think she really misses you!” “Was hanging out with some friends last night and they kept talking about how good you were at Mario Kart. I think they want a rematch.” “My English teacher told our class about your essay. She said it was one of the best she’s read in her entire teaching career.”
Show her that you’ve changed.
Give her a sign you’re not the same person you used to be. If she’s considering giving your relationship another chance, she’ll need to know that the same issues that drove you apart last time won’t happen again. Let her know that you’ve been working on the things that she disliked about you by saying something like: “You were right—I have been kind of a slob. Wanted to show you this photo of the house freshly cleaned. Thanks for giving me the kick in the pants I needed.” “Went to the mountains for the hike last weekend—here’s a pretty cool photo I took. Thought I’d share it with you, since you were always the one who encouraged me to be more active.” “Just wanted to say thanks for motivating me to have more ambition. I’ve got a job interview lined up tomorrow—would mean a lot if you’d wish me luck.”
Be honest about your feelings.
If you’ve gotten deep over text, open up to see how she feels. Wait until you’ve already established yourselves as friends again before telling her how you feel about her—otherwise, it could feel like too much pressure after the breakup. But if she’s given you signs that she’s okay with talking about your relationship on a deeper level, being honest about your feelings gives her a chance to do the same, and maybe bring you together again. Say something like: “I know that we’re still working on being friends, but my feelings for you still haven’t gone away.” “I know that you might still need space, but I still love and care about you.” “You’ve always been an amazing person, and no surprise, but I still have feelings for you.”
Ask her out again if she seems interested.
If the texting has been going well, try asking for another chance. If she’s been really positive about your attempts to get back in touch with her, and she’s been initiating contact herself, it might be time to broach the subject of getting back together. Getting back with an ex isn’t uncommon, and hopefully you’ve both learned enough from the last time you were together to avoid the same pitfalls. Keep your request simple and pressure-free, and accept her decision if she says no. Say something like: “I know last time didn’t work out so well, but what do you say about trying again? Could I take you out to dinner on Friday?” “I’ve really loved talking to you again, and am happy that we’re on pretty good terms. Would you want to start spending time together again?” “I’m not sure how you feel about this, but I’ve plucked up enough courage to ask. We’re getting along pretty well now, so what do you say to taking another shot at a date?”
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