How to Understand Your Girlfriend

• Recognize that understanding your girlfriend can take time, and you may learn new things about the way she sees the world months, or even years, into the future!
• Always look for opportunities in your conversations to explore your girlfriend’s underlying beliefs and feelings—expand on small talk with deeper questions, ask her to explain why she enjoys the things she does, and thank her whenever she opens up in vulnerable moments.
• Listening actively and avoiding distractions whenever the two of you talk will create an environment where she’ll open up to you, so don’t pull your phone out while she’s talking and be present.
• Most women want the same things that men want (respect, love, understanding, and appreciation), so be yourself and treat her as your equal.

Encouraging Open Communication

Get her opinion on different issues. It’s nice to feel like someone cares about what you think, so show your girlfriend that you value her opinion on various subjects. This can be demonstrated by getting her input before you make a decision or simply questioning her stance on an important issue. For example, when watching some news coverage, you might say, “Hey, hon, what’s your take on same-sex marriage?”

Take small talk deeper with open-ended questions. Take advantage of the many insignificant conversations you have with your girlfriend to go deeper and learn more about her values, beliefs, opinions, and passions. Open-ended questions are those that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer. For example, when your girlfriend says “I love this TV show!” you might say, “Oh, really? What do you like about it?”

Have a discussion about boundaries. Your boundaries are basically where you end and your girlfriend begins—your unique limits. A big part of a healthy relationship involves understanding and respecting those limits. If you and your girlfriend have not clearly stated your boundaries, schedule a time to talk about them. Start the conversation by saying something like, "I'd like us to talk about ways both of us could respect one another's limits. What are some ways I can show you respect?" Boundaries don’t include “always” or “never” language. They are roadmaps that tell you how to love and treat one another, such as “I’d like for you to ask permission before using my things” or “It bothers me when you insult my friends. Could you please not do that?” Take the time to figure out what your boundaries are and share them with one another.

Pay attention to what she complains about. For a healthy relationship, each partner must get their needs met. Problems may come up when a person doesn’t know how to articulate those needs well. Oftentimes, you can tie an unmet need to whatever a person is complaining about or criticizing. For example, if your girlfriend complains that you’re always on the phone, she may be indirectly telling you that she feels ignored. Instead of taking offense, respond with “You’re right. I’m sorry. Why don’t we silence our phones and have some one-on-one time?”

Learning Her Quirks

Identify her values. What makes your girlfriend tick? You can find out by learning what her personal values are. Figuring this out can help you better understand who she is. It also helps you make sure you are actually compatible with one another (because your values aren’t drastically different). To learn her values, ask her questions, such as: "What characteristics would describe as part of your most ideal self?" "What issues would you like to change about your community, nation, or the world?" "What would you save in a house fire if all living beings were out safely?"

Use your knowledge of her likes and dislikes to make her feel special. Pay attention to the comments your girlfriend makes about her favorite things, and try to notice the things she avoids. Once you're aware of her likes and dislikes, you can tailor dates, experiences, gifts, or even dinners to her taste, and show that you really care about her! For example, you might make her feel special by preparing her coffee or tea with the right amount of sugar and cream. You might show you're paying attention by bringing her favorite food when you come over to visit. Also, you might avoid tickling her if you know she dislikes it. You can simply observe your girlfriend over a span of time to learn these quirks or you can come out and ask her specifically.

Have a conversation about sexual consent. The best way to make your girlfriend happy and comfortable is to have an open and honest conversation about intimacy with her. Take the time to discuss each of your intimate needs so that you can show love and affection in the way that feels right for both of you. Ask her what she feels comfortable doing and share your own sexual boundaries. This can cover everything from kissing to PDA to touching and intercourse. Ask her consent before trying something new. For example, you might say, "Is it okay if I put my hand here?" before touching her thigh. You can also start a discussion before trying new things by asking open-ended questions, e.g., “How do you feel about oral sex?” Have an open and ongoing conversation about what each of you like and don’t like as well as how far you feel comfortable going. Doing so ensures that the relationship progresses at an appropriate pace.

Ask questions if you’re not sure about something. The trick to truly understanding your girlfriend: don’t make assumptions. Whenever you’re uncertain about her opinion or feelings about a particular situation, ask to find out. Doing so can save you the trouble of wrongly assuming and offending her, as a result.

Listening to Her

Remove distractions when you’re communicating with her. Distractions act as roadblocks in the communication process, causing you to misunderstand what your girlfriend is saying. When the two of you are having more serious discussions, power off your phone and television and give her your full attention. Distractions can also be mental or physical in nature. If you’re really tired or upset, for example, postpone the talk until you’re able to fully participate. Eliminating distractions is an important part of active listening, but other cues like eye contact and asking questions may make more of an impact. Reader Poll: We asked 219 wikiHow readers and only 9% of them agreed that the best way to show a girl you’re actively listening is by avoiding distractions. [Take Poll]

Paraphrase before responding. When you actively listen, you try to understand the message rather than focus on preparing your response. The best way to do that is by “testing” your understanding of the message with a summary. Paraphrasing means restating what you heard in a different way to verify the message. You might say, “Let’s see if I’m hearing this correctly. You’re saying…?”

Listen for feeling statements and provide validation. Pay close attention to your girlfriend’s message to see if you can spot any feeling statements. When you hear her describe her emotions, attempt to validate how she feels to show you understand. Your girlfriend might say, “My boss is giving me such a hard time. It seems like, no matter what I do, it’s never good enough.” Phrases like “hard time” or “never good enough” can give insight into her feelings. You might validate her statement by saying, “Sorry, sweetie, that sounds really frustrating.” Be sure not to invalidate your partner by making remarks like “Oh, you’re being too sensitive,” which might make her feel misunderstood.

Notice her body language. Your girlfriend communicates both verbally and nonverbally. Nonverbal cues like body language can tell you what she might be thinking or feeling just as her words do. Sometimes, a person’s body language may actually give more info than what’s coming out of their mouth. For example, if your girlfriend’s body is turned away from you, it may indicate that she doesn’t want to have the discussion or that she wants to leave. Slumped shoulders may suggest that she's feeling sad or hopeless. Crossed arms often demonstrate being closed-off, so she may do this when she feels attacked or offended.

Pause before trying to fix her problems. It’s common to want to immediately dive in and fix the problems of the people you care about. However, jumping to fix without validation (and making sure she actually wants your help) can work against you. Be sure that you have fully heard her out and demonstrated that you understand and feel for her situation. Then, gently ask if she wants help or advice by saying something like, “Do you want my help or would you like me to just listen?”