What is friendship anxiety?
Friendship anxiety is a sense of worry and stress about friendships. Similar to social anxiety, friendship anxiety encompasses feelings of intense worry when interacting with or thinking of your friends. You may worry about losing your friends or fear that they secretly don’t like you. Friendship anxiety is specific to platonic relationships and doesn’t affect romantic or familial relationships or interactions with strangers.
Signs You Have Friendship Anxiety
You have difficulty trusting others. Even if your friends have always been there for you, it’s hard for you to fully open up and allow yourself to get close to them. You may worry that you’ll be too much for them and that they’ll abandon you if you show them who you truly are. Remember that your friends like you, even if your brain is telling you otherwise. They want you to trust them and they want to get to know you better. They’ll likely be flattered and grateful if and when you choose to open up to them.
You experience physical discomfort after interactions. If you think you’ve upset your friend, you may experience physical symptoms of anxiety, like nausea or a rapid heartbeat. The mere thought of your friend being mad or anything going wrong in your friendship makes you physically uncomfortable. If you feel yourself getting anxious, try to take deep breaths. This may help slow your heart rate and allow you to gain better control over your thoughts.
You overthink and replay your interactions over and over. If you have friendship anxiety, there’s a high chance you relive your conversations daily, looking for any little thing you could’ve said that might have upset your friend. You overthink your hangouts, wondering how you could’ve behaved differently, and you go over hundreds of different scenarios and outcomes. Odds are, you didn’t do anything embarrassing, and even if you did, your friends won’t judge you for it. In fact, they probably don’t even remember it! Try to remember this the next time you feel yourself getting stuck in a loop.
You’re afraid your friends will reject you. You do everything you can to avoid rejection, which often means being a people-pleaser. You avoid conflict at all costs and often choose not to confront your friend if they’ve done something to hurt or upset you, as you’re afraid they’ll stop being your friend. It’s very difficult for you to have a healthy disagreement. It’s natural to want to get along with your friends and avoid confrontation, but remember that no relationship is perfect. If you spend enough time with someone, you’re bound to get into an argument eventually. Think of all the friendships and relationships that have survived for years. If one argument didn’t cause them to break up, odds are, you and your friend can move past it. If you do need to confront your friend about something, remember to use “I feel” statements. This way, you’ll avoid accidentally placing blame on them, which could make your anxiety worse.
You need constant reassurance in your friendships. If you have friendship anxiety, you might find yourself asking your friends questions like “Do you hate me?” or “Are you mad at me?” even when you’re not in an argument. Your friends may tell you they care about you, but you need to double-check to make sure they haven’t changed their mind. While everyone needs reassurance now and then, trust your friend to tell you if something’s bothering them. If they haven’t told you they’re upset about something, it’s likely just your anxiety.
How to Handle Friendship Anxiety
Communicate openly and honestly about your anxiety. While it may be difficult to open up to your friends about how you’re feeling, it’s one of the best ways to confront your anxiety. Telling your friends about your feelings helps build trust in the friendship and provides them with space to reassure you. You never know—your friends could also be experiencing friendship anxiety, and this is a great way for you both to tackle it together. Remember, when it comes to anxiety, the worries you have are often based on internal feelings rather than the actual situation. It’s unlikely your friend will be upset if you tell them how you feel. If anything, they’ll be glad you trusted them enough to share your concerns and they’ll do what they can to help you.
Set realistic expectations about your friendships. Friendships can provide social and emotional support, but it’s important to remember that they can’t meet all of your needs. It’s possible you’re experiencing friendship anxiety because you’re trying to get too much fulfillment from your friendships. Be realistic about what you want from your friendships and what they can actually provide and look for other ways you can be emotionally fulfilled. For example, if you’re often bored when you’re alone, try taking up a new hobby you can enjoy without your friends. Learn to be more comfortable doing things alone, as well. For example, if you want to go to a concert none of your friends are interested in, go by yourself!
Reflect on your personal struggles. In most cases, friendship anxiety stems from internal, emotional challenges. Think of any difficult experiences you might have faced, like being betrayed by a friend in the past. Consider how these experiences may have affected you and the ways you think and behave, then reflect on ways you can improve yourself. To self-reflect more deeply, learn about attachment styles and discover what yours is. This way, you can learn more about how to feel secure in your relationships.
Be yourself. While it can be difficult to open up to others, pretending to be someone you’re not will make you feel even worse. Try to live and interact with your friends as authentically as possible. Your friends are your friends for a reason—they like you! They won’t judge you for any quirky hobbies or personality traits. If anything, it’ll just make them like you more. By letting them see the real you, you can begin building trust and overcoming your anxiety.
Focus on quality over quantity when it comes to friends. Sometimes, people with friendship anxiety worry about whether or not they have enough friends and constantly try to make new connections. However, this often leads to more stress. It’s better to have one or two friends who truly care about you than a group of “friends” you’re not actually that close to. Choose friends who have your back and want the best for you.
Practice mindfulness. When you feel yourself starting to get anxious, there are a number of activities you can do to help calm yourself down. Practice mindfulness by journaling about your thoughts and fears, meditating, or repeating positive affirmations. These activities are effective ways to soothe yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Give yourself time to overcome your feelings. You likely won’t conquer your friendship anxiety overnight, and that’s okay. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you struggle with any of these steps. Accept yourself for where you are now, and remember that progress is progress, no matter how small it may seem. Having friendship anxiety doesn’t make you a bad friend—if anything, it shows how deeply you care about your friendships. You’re putting in the work to make sure you can support your friends as much as possible.
Seek professional help, if necessary. In many cases, sharing your feelings with your friends and loved ones will provide enough support to help you begin to overcome your anxiety. However, there’s nothing wrong with seeking a little extra help when you need it. Find a therapist who specializes in anxiety and/or relationships to help you learn how to build healthy connections.
Causes of Friendship Anxiety
Past experiences with toxic friends While there are many reasons someone might experience anxiety, one of the most common is having negative experiences in the past. Perhaps a close friend betrayed you a few years ago and you’ve had a hard time trusting anyone since, or maybe you were very shy growing up and had difficulty making friends. Any kind of strong, negative experience could impact the way you build relationships.
Obsession with social media Social media often distorts the way we see the world. People usually only post the best parts of their life online, which can make us feel like they’re much more successful than we are. When it comes to friendships, you may see people posting all the fun things they do with their huge group of friends, or maybe you see your own friends hanging out with other people. These situations may make you feel insecure about your own relationships, which can increase friendship anxiety. Remember, it’s okay for your friend to have friends other than you. It doesn’t mean they like you any less!
Lack of in-person interactions In the modern age, more and more people have turned to digital interactions, like using dating apps. Online, it’s much easier for people to avoid uncomfortable situations by ghosting or blocking others. This alone can lead to an increase in social or friendship anxiety, and it can also make it more difficult to navigate in-person interactions. COVID-19 also led to a decrease of in-person interactions and contributed to the growing loneliness epidemic.
Friendship Anxiety vs Social Anxiety
Social anxiety applies to general social interactions, not just friends. While friendship and social anxiety have some overlapping characteristics, like overthinking interactions with others and experiencing negative physical symptoms, social anxiety is more broad than friendship anxiety. Someone with social anxiety may experience anxiety around friends, family, and strangers, while friendship anxiety is specific to friends. Those with friendship anxiety might not have social anxiety otherwise. They may be okay interacting with family, coworkers, or strangers, but worry strongly about their friendships.
How to Help a Friend with Anxiety
Listen to them without judgment. It can be really scary to open up to someone about anxiety, so show your friend you truly care about what they have to say by practicing active listening. Give them your undivided attention and let them get everything off their chest. Ask questions to help you understand what they’re experiencing, and acknowledge their emotions. Don’t try to downplay what they’re feeling or use cliche phrases like “You’ll get through this” or “You’re okay.” Remember to thank your friend for sharing their feelings with you. This will help them see that they can trust you and that you care about them.
Ask how you can help them. It’s better to ask than assume; people experience anxiety differently, so what works for one person may not for another. Let your friend tell you what they need from you, and do your best to be there for them. This way, they’ll understand that you want what’s best for them and you’re not just trying to calm them down for your own sake. For example, if your friend needs space, don’t crowd them. Let them calm down on their own and approach you when they’re ready. Or, if your friend tells you they need reassurance, provide it. This may mean telling them how excited you are about hanging out or letting them know you’re not angry if they think they’ve done something to upset you.
Check in regularly. It’s easy for people with anxiety, especially friendship anxiety, to bottle up those feelings rather than tell someone what’s bothering them. If you suspect or know your friend has anxiety, check up on them now and again to ask how they’re feeling. Don’t push them if they don’t feel like talking, but let them know you’re there for them. This lets them know they can trust you so they’ll be more likely to open up to you in the future.
Set boundaries for your own health. Even when helping someone else, it’s important to take care of yourself. While you want to be there for your friend, it isn’t healthy to care for them 24/7 and doing so may eventually harm your relationship. Set boundaries with your friend so you have time for yourself, your hobbies, and your other friends and loved ones. It can be difficult to say no to someone you know is struggling, but there are ways to let them know you still care about them. For example, if they want to talk but you’re busy, say something like “I can’t talk right now, but I’m free at 4:00 and would love to see you then,” or “I’m busy today, but we can hang out this Saturday if you’re available.”
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