What does "walking on eggshells" mean?
"Walking on eggshells" means you take great care not to upset someone. If you feel as though you have to walk on eggshells around someone, it typically means that their moods are unpredictable—you can never tell when you might say something to upset them. Because you don't want to upset them, you go out of your way to make sure you don't say or do anything that might set them off. Since their moods are so unpredictable, this typically means that you don't feel comfortable saying what you mean or communicating with the person clearly. When you're in a romantic relationship with someone like this, you can feel as though you're always on shaky ground because you never know what might set your partner off. "Walking on eggshells" is often associated with people who have personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), that cause their moods to be explosive and erratic. While the phrase is frequently associated with a romantic relationship, you might also feel as though you're walking on eggshells with a friend, co-worker, or anyone else you interact with on a regular basis who has unpredictable mood swings.
Signs You're Walking on Eggshells
The person gets angry seemingly out of nowhere. Because the person's moods are erratic and they seem to get upset out of nowhere or for no reason, you have to be really careful what you say and do when you're around them. You might not be able to figure out why the person got angry or what exactly set them off. Sometimes, the person themselves might not even know what made them angry or caused them to react the way they did. They also might completely understand why they got angry and think that it makes perfect sense or that anyone would get angry in that situation—even if that's not true.
The person frequently blows things out of proportion. What might seem like something relatively minor or inconsequential can become a huge deal. You might find yourself wondering why they're making such a big deal out of it or why it upsets them so much. This leads to walking on eggshells because when your partner is triggered by even the tiniest thing, it can seem like nothing is safe to say or do without them potentially freaking out. For example, they might start ranting and throwing things and talking about how the entire evening is ruined and the two of you are going to starve—all because they ordered food delivered and it's been delayed. As with a lot of these signs, this is something that happens often, or consistently—it's not something that only happens occasionally, or that can be explained by some other reason when it does happen.
The person argues with you often. Conflicts and disagreements have become the default in your relationship. As much as you try to avoid them, it might seem that every evening inevitably ends in an argument. You might feel as though your partner isn't content unless they're arguing with you. It's not uncommon for these fights to escalate to physical assault. If you feel unsafe around the person, do what you can to get away from them or limit your contact with them as much as possible. Barthmare advises that you "pay attention to how you are feeling when you argue or have conflict in your relationship. The feeling of being unsafe is different than being mad. Abusive relationships have a significant level of threat that makes conflict dangerous." "Feelings like being afraid, overwhelmed, terrified," she continues, "can signal abusive behavior patterns in a relationship."
You feel like you're constantly on guard around the person. When you never know what's going to set someone off, it's totally normal for you to feel as though they could erupt at any minute. You're not likely to feel comfortable fully relaxing or really being yourself around them. When things are going well, you might feel like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop—like even if things are great, it's only a matter of time before they get angry and lash out at you again. You might also feel like you're constantly tense or "on alert." You might find that you're often really jumpy or that you have a hard time relaxing even when you're by yourself.
You feel less confident and less sure of yourself. When someone is constantly disagreeing with you, it's totally normal to start feeling less confident about speaking up when something's bothering you or saying what you really feel. Over time, this feeling might expand into other areas of your life as well, making it really difficult for you to assert yourself with anybody, not just your partner. Your partner also might say things to belittle you, which can seriously erode your self-confidence. These types of things are typically said in private, but might be said in public too, such as to undermine you or something you've done. This can be especially difficult if you grew up in an abusive or chaotic home where you learned this behavior pattern of walking on eggshells. Just know that there are ways to boost your confidence so that you don't have to live in anxiety and fear anymore.
The person refuses to take responsibility for the pain they cause. Often, they make it seem like it's your fault. They might say that they wouldn't say or do things to hurt you if you didn't act the way you did or have the issues that you do. They might blame you even if they weren't even originally angry with you, or they might insist that your feelings were caused by something other than what they said or did. For example, they might tell you that they wouldn't have gotten angry at you for missing the exit if you had been paying attention in traffic instead of trying to change the music. They can make you feel as though you have to be perfect at all times to avoid setting them off, but the reality is that nobody's perfect and it isn't fair for anyone to expect you to be perfect. You might find yourself thinking, "If only I hadn't said this," or "If only I hadn't done that, everything would be fine." The reality is that it probably doesn't matter. If you hadn't said or done what you did, they would've found something else to get upset about.
Other people have also noticed this person's unpredictable moods. When you talk to trusted friends and family members, they might mention that they've noticed or been bothered by your partner's behavior before. It's also possible that they've lashed out at a close friend or family member of yours before. People with such erratic mood swings normally act that way around a lot of people, not just their romantic partner or their own family. For example, a friend might check to see what kind of mood your partner is in before they come over to visit. Or a family member might ask you what kind of mood your partner is in before they deliver news they think might be upsetting. It's also possible that your partner engages in pretty outrageous behavior out in public—sometimes just because of their erratic mood swings, but other times it could be just to attract attention or because they hope their behavior embarrasses or humiliates you in some way.
Dealing with Walking on Eggshells
Communicate openly with your partner about the situation. It's possible that your partner doesn't realize that you're walking on eggshells. It's also possible that your partner doesn't realize that there are things you're struggling to communicate with them and find yourself unable to do so. Clearing the air about this specific issue can help. Use "I" language so that your partner understands that you're talking about your feelings, not making accusations against them. For example, you might say, "When you lash out at me that way, I feel afraid to bring things up that might be bothering me. I'd appreciate it if you'd hear me out before you react in any way." You might even want to come up with trigger warnings that you can use to give your partner a heads-up when you're going to be talking about something that could potentially upset them.
Lean on your family and friends for support. If you're walking on eggshells around your partner, the people you love and trust can help you figure out what's going on and what you need to do. If you decide that you need to leave the relationship, you'll likely need help from your friends and family then as well, so it's always a good idea to keep them in the loop about what's going on in your relationship. Keep in mind that if your partner has been acting like this for a while, it's possible that some of your friends or family members might not like them very much—you might have to take some of the things they say with a grain of salt as a result. Even if your friends aren't the biggest fans of your partner, they still love and support you and want what's best for you. They can really help when you're dealing with a difficult relationship.
Recommend that your partner see a therapist. Barthmare emphasizes that it's important to "get professional help and support to make changes that will last." Your partner might not know why they react the way they do or they might have some past trauma that they need to heal from so they can have a healthy relationship with you. These often aren't issues that the two of you can resolve on your own. For example, you might say, "I see that you don't want to continue to hurt those around you, including me. A therapist can help you address the underlying issues so you no longer feel the need to react so unpredictably." Stress to your partner that the therapist can provide them with tools and resources that will help them have healthier relationships with everyone in their life, not just you.
Work with a therapist to find healthier ways to communicate. Barthmare recommends that you "ask your partner to come with you to get help without shaming them. A powerful dynamic has you both in its grip. You need perspective and time to untangle things." A therapist can also serve as a sort of mediator to help the two of you talk to each other and understand each other better. A therapist will help both of you feel safe and able to talk about how you really feel without worrying that something's going to happen or your partner is going to get angry. If your partner starts bringing up things from therapy after the fact and starting fights about them, that's a sign that therapy might not be working and it might be time for you to consider ending the relationship.
Get out of the relationship if nothing changes. Ultimately, you have to look out for your own well-being. It's great to give the person a chance, but if they promise to change and then things continue just as they always have been, it might be time to call it quits. If they're not interested in healing and having a healthy relationship with you then they are keeping you from someone who will treat you with love and respect. This applies to friends as well as romantic relationships. If you have a friend who you feel like you're walking on eggshells around, it might be time to end that friendship and cut ties with that person. Putting you in a situation where you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around someone is emotionally abusive behavior. Beyond that, many people who act like this also escalate their behavior to physical abuse. Do what you can to cut off contact with the person before they reach that point. Barthmare notes that "the end of a relationship, no matter what the reason, is difficult." She continues, "Talking to this person about how and why you want to leave can be helpful to both of you."
Walking on Eggshells Vs. Healthy Relationships
In a healthy relationship, a person's moods are predictable. A healthy relationship is built on clear and open communication, which is lacking if you feel as though you have to walk on eggshells. When you're in a healthy relationship, on the other hand, you know what might upset someone and what won't—you're not constantly worrying about it. Barthmare recommends that you "talk to others who you know and trust and share your fears. Get a gauge for how other couples are handling conflict and ask yourself: 'How far off are my partner's reactions and behavior from others?'" This can help you understand what a healthier relationship might look like.
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