Last week my mother threw another bombshell on me just as I was settling down to work, post Diwali. She asked me to take three days off! I somehow managed to sweet-talk my boss into granting me leave. The reason: my entire clan was descending on Mumbai for my cousin Binni’s wedding. I am the eldest, but it is Binni (that’s her nick name) who has finally beaten me to the altar!
We descended on the venue on the day of the engagement. I had missed the roka that happened three months ago. For the uninitiated, roka (literally meaning stopped or reserved) refers to the grand Punjabi ritual of booking a worthy male candidate of the human species.
Here are a few snapshots that my roving eyes clicked at the not-so-solemn proceedings:
1. The clan chases me: I think Indians take god’s word to go and multiply rather seriously! I never thought I had so many relatives. I had not seen them in ages. I met Binni after I don’t know how many years…perhaps two... maybe more.
And why can’t they just get a life? Uncles and aunts were after my mom advising her to find a groom for me. Gad! I think they need a life. I am sure they are jealous that I lead a free and happy life. My mom’s answer to all and sundry: ‘She is a maanglik and the pandit has said that she will only get married after 28!’ Yep! That’s the truth and thank god for that!
2. What I overheard: “Eh! The dulha looks fat and old”.
“He has blue eyes. They are not good. They signify evil”.
“His face reminds me of those two-faced Hindi film heroes, who are gentle on the outside and beat the shit outta their wives at home”.
“Why is mamiji always lying? Will she ever get over this? I got to know that it’s a love marriage while she has been going to town saying that he works for a multi-national! He works in the same company as her and they were seeing each other for long. Big deal! At least, she should gracefully admit that it’s a love marriage approved by them. Humph! I wonder how she can cook up such stories all the time. Doesn’t she get confused? Hehehehe!”
“On the mehndi night, I stayed at mamiji’s place and Binni was bitching about her mother-in-law with us. I was shocked. She said that the old woman was always hovering around her son. The b**ch!”
“You know that mamiji didn’t invite some of her relatives because they are not that rich and they may just spoil the whole affair with their presence”.
“One thing is for sure that it’s a love marriage. I got to know and I have observed it myself that the guy’s mother doesn’t quite approve of the girl’s family. And why not? Mamiji can scare anyone away with her loud mouth and loud behaviour”.
“The guy has no class at all. He looks cheap”.
“I have heard he is almost eight years elder to her”.
“It’s not enough to give a Honda City to your daughter as a wedding gift. Mamaji can’t change his wife’s cold behaviour. Can he? Where will he get a new wife at this age! Especially when mamiji is his second wife!”
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“I heard mamaji saying that he will just crack up when Binni finally leaves the house. He loves her too much. All this, when he has never really ever bothered to check on his four sisters! Hypocrite.”
3. The Groom: He was fair but not tall with a few extra kilos on him. I didn’t like his dressing style. Boring. And yes he did look old. The worst was that he danced non-stop on his own wedding and engagement. How uncool! He seemed deprived of fun. As if he had seen a DJ and a dance floor for the first time. I will run away from the wedding if my guy would do something as shoddy as that!
4. The Bride: She is pretty. But what the heck on earth they had done to her. Uffffff! That make-up on her engagement was so loud. Was making her look horrible and awful. I wish girls had more sense. She was looking much better on the day of the marriage. But what’s with the obsession with pasting fake hair buns and making a mountain on your head darling! God! It’s all the same after so many years!
5. The clothes: Loud, gaudy and tasteless. Badly cut and designed. Garish colours. The rule of less is more doesn’t apply here, I guess. Sigh.
6. Balle, Balle: My dad could not believe himself. A brahmin that he is hailing from the hills, he had seen sangeet on engagements but not this! There was DJ and dance on every occasion and the dancing would just not stop! My cousins pulled me in and there I was dancing to Bollywood music. A few English numbers were also played and that ‘Brazil’ number is still in the reckoning! Surprised!
7. The Baratghar: Nothing great. It was not an encouraging place in the least! Just one huge hall. The decorations were not bad though.
8. Food & Foodies: Oh! The food was excellent. Ummmmm… that’s the best part about Punjabi weddings. We also had non-vegetarian fare on the engagement. But I don’t understand the point of not having it on the wedding day when all of us actually eat non-veg otherwise. Guys, the gods won’t be much impressed with a day’s abstinence. Actually, the gods have nothing to do with it.
9. Sex or marriage: All this brouhaha to provide legitimacy to Sex! When marriages are no longer for keeps in today’s age. When we still hide the fact whether it’s a love marriage or an arranged one, and crap about relatives, how does marriage remain a sacrosanct social institution? I don’t know. Am a little confused. At least, it ain’t mah cup of tea as of now.
Shrug.
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