Setting Family Rules
Call a family meeting to brainstorm some rules. When you’re setting household rules, it’s important to make sure everyone is on board. Sit down with your partner or any other adults in the home who are involved in childcare. Explain that you want to come up with a few house rules for the kids to follow. Have a conversation about what you want to accomplish, which rules you all think are most important, and how you plan to enforce your rules. If you have older kids or teens in the house, don’t be afraid to get them involved in setting rules for themselves. Kids are more likely to accept and follow the rules if they have a part in creating them!
Set a small number of rules for younger kids. Don’t overwhelm toddlers and preschool-aged kids with a huge list of rules. If you’re coming up with rules for little kids, decide on the 2-3 most important rules you want to enforce and start with that. As your child gets older, gradually increase the number of rules you expect them to follow. Wait for them to master all the current rules before you add more. For example, you might start with a list like, “Say ‘please’ when you ask for something,” “Ask Mommy or Daddy before going outside,” and “Wash your hands before you eat.”
Write down your list of rules using clear, simple language. Once you’ve come up with a few basic rules, write them down. This will help everyone remember what they are. Keep your language clear and simple so that the rules are easy for the whole family to understand. For example, you might write something like, “Finish doing all your homework assignments for the day before playing video games. Then you can play for 30 minutes.” Avoid vague language, like “Behave yourself” or “Be good.” Set specific, clear rules so that your children can understand exactly what you expect of them. As much as possible, phrase your rules in a positive way. For example, instead of saying “Don’t leave a mess at the table,” say “Do clear away your dishes after you eat.”
Post the rules in a place where everyone can see them. Write your rules down on a big piece of poster board or a whiteboard and hang them up in an obvious place, like on the fridge or the living room wall. That way, everyone in the house can review them at any time. If the rules are posted for everyone to see, it’s less likely that your kids will try to argue about them. You can always point to the list! If your kids aren’t reading yet, draw pictures to help illustrate the rules, or ask them to do it. For example, if one of your rules is “Put away your toys when you’re done with them,” draw a picture of your child putting their toys in a toybox.
Review the rules occasionally and change them if they aren’t working. Every few months, sit down with any other adults in the household and talk to them about how well the rules are working. If you’re having trouble enforcing a particular rule, brainstorm some possible solutions. For example: You might need to change the consequences for not following a particular rule, or make sure that everyone is enforcing them consistently. As your children get older, you might need to change or update rules to reflect their changing needs and abilities. If you think your children are having trouble understanding the rules, look into redefining them or finding ways to explain them more clearly.
Enforcing the Rules
Come up with clear consequences if your house rules are broken. It’s natural for kids to challenge the rules and try to push their boundaries as they grow. To ensure that your children follow the rules and understand their importance, set specific consequences for when those rules are broken. For instance, if your child refuses to brush their teeth every morning and evening, the consequence might be that they can’t have sweets until they start caring for their teeth again. Try to keep the consequences relevant to the rule, and don’t set any consequences you aren’t prepared to enforce! For example, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to say you’ll get rid of all your child’s toys if they don’t eat their vegetables. Try something more relevant and less drastic, like “You can only have some ice cream if you eat all your broccoli.”
Explain the rules and consequences in advance so your kids know what to expect. Don’t wait for your child to break an unspoken rule and then unexpectedly spring a consequence on them. This will leave your child feeling confused and upset. Sit down with your child and explain the rules and consequences clearly before you start enforcing them. For example, you might say, “Okay, we’re getting you a new toy, but you have to share it with your sister. If you grab it away from her or don’t let her have a turn, we will put it away for 10 minutes until you are ready to play nicely.” Younger children might need frequent reminders about the rules. Try to give these reminders before entering a situation where you’ll need to enforce them. For example, “We’re going to the playground. Remember, if you throw sand at other kids in the sandbox, we’ll have to leave!”
Follow through on your consequences promptly and consistently. If your child breaks a rule, immediately enforce the consequence you set for them. This will help your child understand that they need to take the rules seriously. For example, maybe you told your 4-year-old that they’d have to leave the playground if they threw sand. The moment you see your child throwing sand, tell them it’s time to go and remove them from the playground. Explain that you’re leaving because they broke the rule. It’s not enough for just one person in the family to be consistent with the rules. Ask everyone in the family to enforce them the same way. For example, if you enforce a rule but your partner doesn’t, your child might only follow the rule when you’re around.
Praise and reward your kids for following the rules. Consequences don’t always have to be negative. Your kids will have an easier time following the rules (and will enjoy it a lot more!) if they get rewards and positive feedback for good behavior. With lots of positive reinforcement, they’ll also be encouraged to make better choices without having to be reminded. A reward could be anything from a hug or a high five to a special treat, like going out for ice cream. For example, if they put away their toys without being asked, reinforce your child’s behavior by giving them a high five and saying something like, “Wow, that was awesome how you picked up after yourself! That was super responsible of you, I’m so proud!” You can also try setting consistent rewards for following the rules. For example, you might agree to take your child out for ice cream at the end of the week if they do all their homework every night.
Set a good example by following your own rules. Kids have a strong sense of what’s fair. If they see you breaking the house rules, they’ll feel resentful and be less likely to follow the rules themselves. If you set rules for the family, reinforce them by following any rules that apply to you. For example, if there’s a rule that everyone says “Please” when asking for something, always say “Please” when you make a request of your kids. If you break a rule and your child reminds you of it, own up to it. Say something like, “Oh, you’re right! Thank you for reminding me. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have interrupted while you were talking to me.”
Choosing Appropriate Rules and Boundaries
Keep your rules age-appropriate. Kids have different strengths and abilities depending on their age, developmental level, and individual personality. Keep this in mind, and try to set rules that you know your child will be able to follow. You can modify the rules or introduce new ones as your child grows. For example: Keep rules simple and specific for preschoolers, and remember that you’ll probably have to help them follow the rules. For instance, you might set a rule that they can’t cross the street on their own, but you’ll still need to supervise them around streets. As your child gets older, set rules that will require them to take more responsibility. For instance, while you’ll probably need to help your preschooler with their daily hygiene, you can set an expectation for an older child that they’ll brush their teeth, wash their hands, or take baths on their own.
Assign family chores to teach responsibility. You can start establishing rules about which chores you expect your kids to do when they’re as young as 2 years old! Giving your kids chores to do will take a little bit of the pressure off of you and will also teach them basic life skills that will help them as they get older. In addition, doing chores will help your children feel like they have an important role in the family. Depending on your child’s age and abilities, you might set rules like: Put away your toys after you use them. Clear your dishes off the table when you’re done eating. Take out the trash in your room. Feed and care for your pets every day (e.g., take the dog for a walk, change the paper in the bird’s cage, or change the water in the fish tank). Help cook dinner for the family once a week.
Encourage good manners and respectful behavior. Strong household rules can also help ensure that your kids learn appropriate social boundaries and behaviors. Set rules about how you expect your children to speak and act around family members and guests, and set a good example by modeling those behaviors yourself. For example, you might set rules like: Let others finish speaking before you talk, or say “Excuse me” if you have something to say that can’t wait. Keep your hands and feet to yourself. Say “Please” and “Thank you” when asking for something. Ask someone before touching them or roughhousing with them. Listen if someone says “no” or asks you to stop doing something. Use your words to explain your feelings instead of hitting or yelling.
Create strong health and safety rules. Some rules are meant to keep your kids healthy and safe. When setting these rules, keep in mind that they’ll need to change and grow as your kids get older. For example: For younger kids, you might set rules like “No jumping on the couch” or “Stay out of the medicine cabinet.” As your kids get older and start doing more things on their own, these rules might expand to include things like wearing a helmet while riding a bike, calling to check in when they’re out with friends, and staying away from drugs and alcohol. You can also keep your kids healthy with rules related to diet, hygiene, and basic self-care. This might include rules like “Always brush your teeth before bed” or “Eat at least one vegetable with every meal.”
Use rules to limit screen time. Keeping your kids’ screen time under control can be a constant struggle. Setting a few basic rules can help, though. These rules might include daily time limits on screen time, rules about how your children can earn screen time (e.g., by completing homework or chores), or limits on what your children can watch, play, or do online. Your rules can also limit when and where your kids can have access to screen time (e.g., no screens at the dinner table or within half an hour of bedtime). For instance, if your child has access to a tablet, you might make it a rule that they get your permission before downloading a new app. As your kids get older, you may need to set rules to help them stay safe online, such as never giving out personal information to strangers on social media. When your kids are younger, you can use parental control apps to help reinforce a lot of these rules. You might make a "no device" rule for certain places, like restaurants.
Example Rules
Safety Memorize your parents' phone numbers and know who to call in an emergency Don't answer the door for strangers Ask permission before leaving your home, school, or friend's house Wear a helmet when riding a bike, scooter, or skateboard Cross the street carefully Stick to the boundaries your parents set when playing outdoors Wear your seatbelt in the car Don't take rides, drinks, or food from strangers Be home by curfew Only take medicine if your parents give it to you Don't tell people that you're home alone Get help and tell your parents right away if someone threatens you or touches you inappropriately Never play with fire
Manners and Respect Keep your hands to yourself and don't hurt others Wait for someone to finish talking before you speak Use an inside voice Sit on the furniture instead of jumping or climbing on it Say please and thank you Knock before entering someone's room Ask permission before using something that doesn't belong to you Speak politely and respectfully to others (no name-calling or talking back) Tell the truth Clean up after yourself Apologize when you hurt someone Be kind and helpful Do your chores without complaining
Electronics and Online Safety Stick to the screen-time limits your parents set Take good care of your devices Don't make a social media account until you're at least 13 years old Avoid giving anyone your online passwords (except for your parents) Don't tell people you meet online your full name, address, phone number, or other personal information Only post appropriate photos of yourself and others Show respect and kindness to everyone you interact with online Let your parents know if someone is being rude, mean, or inappropriate or if they make you feel uncomfortable Never agree to meet someone you met online in person unless your parents know and approve Ask your parents before downloading new software or apps, or before making an account on a new website. Put privacy settings on your accounts Only "friend" people you know, not strangers
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