How to Deal With a Big Annoying Sister (for Teenagers)

Dealing With a Conflict

Try to resolve the issue with your sister. Even when you and your sister have set strict boundaries, you both will test each other’s baseline limits from time to time. When this happens, try your best to resolve the conflict before either of you reaches your breaking point. Let your sister know what the problem is, using “I statements.” For example, “I feel belittled when you talk to me like a little kid” or “I feel angry when you choose not to respect my clothing.” Avoid the word “but.” This negates everything you’ve said before. For example, instead of saying “I see where you are coming from but I think you’re wrong” try “We can’t seem to agree on this.”

Seek a compromise. If you can't resolve the issue, try to reach a compromise. Offer to change one thing about your behavior and urge her to do the same. Over time, these small concessions will have a big impact on your relationship. For example, you could offer to knock every time you want to enter her room and she could offer to say "Hi" to you at school.

Walk away from the situation, if needed. If the conflict escalates out of control, remove yourself from the situation. This is a great way to control your anger. Walk away from your big sister and cool off. When both of you are calm, you can try talking again.

Ask your parents to get involved. If you’ve failed to resolve the issue on your own, ask your parents to step in as mediators. Once you’ve both shared your side of the story, let them help the two of you reach an agreement. Take responsibility for your role in the conflict. This will show your parents that you are mature.

Changing Your Behavior

Examine your own behavior. Before you address your big sister’s annoying habits and mean words, take time to review your own actions. Whether you would like to admit it or not, you may not be completely blameless. Your sister may have started the fight, but your response might have prolonged the fight. Consider the following: Did you do or say anything to provoke your sister? Did you react out of anger? Were your actions and words intentional or unintentional? As tough as it is, ask yourself what your sister might be thinking or feeling after the fight.

Control your reactions. While it is tempting to “get even” with your sister, this often makes the situation worse. Instead of hurling insults back at your sister, put an end to the incident with a sincere response. If she continues to bother you, get up and walk away instead of resorting to physical violence. Don’t let her words affect you. For example, you could say “Maggie, what a funny story. I’d forgotten about that. Thanks for sharing.” Being the “bigger” person is always the best option. It will keep you out of trouble.

Be honest with your sister. When your sister hurts your feelings, don't react in anger. Instead, let her know how her actions hurt you. This is a great way to start a serious conversation with your sister about your relationship. For example, you could say “Maggie, please don’t tease me in front of my friends. It really hurts me and makes me uncomfortable.”

Control your interactions. No matter how hard they try, some siblings just can’t get along. If this describes you and your big sister, limit the amount of time you spend together. Not only with this reduce the number of fights you have, but the distance might make you two appreciate each other more. Spend your free time in separate parts of the house. If you share a bathroom, pack your items into a tote and get ready in a different room. If you share a bedroom, ask your parents if you can sleep somewhere else.

Setting Ground Rules and Boundaries

Identify your limits. Look back over the conflicts you’ve had with your sister. Identify the source of the issue and take time to think about how these conflicts could have been avoided altogether. Try to pinpoint the times that she has pushed you over the edge and consider how you could you have prevented the fight from escalating to that point. This information will help you identify your limits—the baseline and peak of your tolerance for your sister. Instead of manipulating you into doing something, you would like her to ask you for help or a favor. For example, when she starts to yell at you, will you walk away from the conversation? Or, if she bullies you, will you tell your parents?

Share your limits with your sister. If you feel comfortable approaching your big sister, you may find it helpful to talk to her about your boundaries. Make sure she understands that you are setting these boundaries because you want to have a healthy relationship with her. After you share your limits with her, ask if she can respect your boundaries. For example, you could say, "Linda, I want to establish some boundaries with you. I will not tolerate you bullying me any more. When this happens, I will let mom and dad or another adult know right away."

Respect your sister’s limits. Like you, your big sister will also have boundaries. Ask her if there is anything you can do to avoid conflict in the future. Remember, if you expect her to respect your boundaries, you must respect hers. For example, you could say, "Linda, do you have any boundaries for our relationship?"